euu typedd*: blog

Tuesday, July 31, 2007
10:27 PM

I'M REALLY WEAK...

i sux at practically everything... academic studies is total crap nowadays... go every single lesson nvr do tutorial, nvr do hw, dun understand a single s*** the tchr is talking about... n now my phy tchr changed frm michael tay to ______ who totally sucks cos he's so boring and slow and can't teach... haiz... 1 element down many more to go... played like s*** for the strings concert rehearsal... all the low notes no sound at all!!! cindy and ying rui still say i sound gud!!!! haiz... flute oso gone case... harp? dun even need to talk about it... ma rui dun prac oso 10 times beta than me when i heard her today... i totally suck at it despite practising so damn B***** hard!!!! it just only reminds me that there's no such thing as newton's 3rd las in this world... den today tried to chair a meeting but ended up like crap... my lesson ended slightly later... went in there less than 1/2 of the ppl i called for where there... those who were there were hoping mad cos i was late and dily daly (i would not if i could help it ok?!?!)... haiz... u ppl really voted the wrong person for bm... oh well got a hell lot more to do tis wk... this sunday i'm performing for the strings carnival of animals n if u ppl sick of mugging for just 1 evening (yes MAMA!!!!) just go for the concert... i'll be on the picc for about a min... which means AT LEAST 1 min of pure noise for u... haiz... wish me luck... (if i ever had it...)

to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, July 29, 2007
2:14 PM

life goes on...

oh well... i'm still in a state of lamenting over the passing out of my seniors, esp guo and saw... haiz... i tink even guo could tell ytd i was really reluctant to let her get off the bus... cos we knew after she gets off it really means the end... yes of course both of them would come back and try to maintain contact and stuff... but how far do you think you can maintain this relationship so strong in this cruel world of harsh realities? yet i can't live on memories alone... it's nobody's fault but just how this world is made to be... haiz... mama and saw, i'll really miss u both and the days the chicken section were together...

well ytd was v nite... and sadly cindy was unable to be with us, if not the chicken section j1s would be complete... so just for cindy i'll explain WHAT'S V NITE ALL ABOUT!!!! it's not a nite of ballroom dancing (just as Anthony and I thought so)... it's a nite of MAKING FUN OF YOUR JUNIORS!!!! well started off with the j1s being blindfolded and brought all around the school taking really embarasing and funny pictures.. i tink i had a total of 2 proposing photos and uncountable hugging photos, even with guys... well was fun lah... after that had fashion show and guys were supposed to pick a partner each n do the cat walk... n guess what? I PICKED MARUI!!!!! ok shant elaborate what i did... nex was the race at I&E hub where it was full of noise and scares... to think i was dumb enough to just sit there for 5 minutes and do nothing (COS I REALLY COULDn'T C A PATH!!!!) end up when i found the way i just rushed through and lucky picked the correct path at the forked paths and got out super quickly... den was the splendid dinner... the pictures shall tell the story... den it was dressing up game and i had to half strip cos i was supposed to be little mermaid... all in the name of fun and laughter...

well here's some pictures to give u a clearer idea...

well a bit outdated but i'll still post some of the etude photos... really missing those days...

to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Friday, July 27, 2007
11:25 PM

life really sux...

i've nvr been back to my normal self... ever since preparation from etude... now that all my seniors have passed out... dear lisa and dear mama guo... i really miss them... haiz... being bm really sucks... i really am not cut out for this... n i admit i'm a bit sore to not being the pp cos i really wanna conduct again... miss tan just ask me not to waste her efforts in nurturing me... now not only let down myself also let down so many other people... i really hope guo and saw loved the presents we gave them... quality is not that good but really put in lots of effort... just so miss them... and i tink xy feels very left out now... how to bring her back into the section?

now going for lessons is as gud as going to slp... i really cannot concentrate... feel very bad going for mr low's lessons without doing anything... i tink he gave up on me liaoz... haiz... i'm really degrading to nowhere liaoz... someone help me...

i miss my section...

to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Thursday, July 12, 2007
11:41 PM

getting better... but not fully recovered...

haha trying to be crazy today... but still feel some sense of soreness within me... went to my frend's blog today n took this quiz on http://www.musicquiz.com here are my results:

Your Existing Situation

Insecure. Seeks roots, stability, emotional security, and an environment providing greater ease and fewer problems.

Your Stress Sources

Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which he feels separates himself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. He therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on him and insists on being free and unhampered.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.

Feels that he is receiving less than his share and that there is no one on whom he can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions and a certain egocentricity make him quick to take offense, but he realizes that he has to make the best of things as they are.

Your Desired Objective

Intense, vital, and animated, taking a delight in action. Activity is directed towards success or conquest and there is a desire to live life to the fullest.

Your Actual Problem

Fights against restriction or limitation, and insists on developing freely as a result of his own efforts.

Your Actual Problem #2

The fear that he might be prevented from achieving the things he wants leads him to play his part with an urgent and hectic intensity.

come to think of it it's actually quite true. though not 100%, but really pointed out the sore areas of my life... but that means my life is totally crap... it's not lived yet... haiz...

less than 2 more wks... i will miss u guys... our first and last concert together... let's go in and kick some asses, and bust some butts, n show'em what we've got!!!! chicken section all the way!!!! i dun noe if i'll cry on etude day... nvr did for my frends... but this bunch of chickys which is one of the shortest time frends and yet the closest, i dun noe... it's a gud thing we end with machu picchu... yuxin will forever be rmbred on the harp as well as our dearest chicky too... lisa as the wacko and perverse poker cards addict and great sl... y am i saying this? oh well... such is life... i really will miss u guys... the section will b so much quieter without u all... i hate it when something just comes smashing on u when the other has gone...

to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Wednesday, July 11, 2007
11:32 PM

i'm sorry... i really am...

i dun noe what's wrong with me today, but i really can't help it! i hate being such a whiny ass and making other people's day such a disaster... pls forgive me... i dunno what's happening to me... i'm confused... i just seem to have regretted and hated everything in my live... somehow i put in lots of effort but nothing comes out... actual performances always turn out a complete failure despite so many much better rehearsals...

mayb hong hu was rite, there's no such existence of the newton's third law in this world... effort nvr produces resutls, neither does kindness beget kindness... i hate myself for mot being able to c past that n wallowing in despair and self-pity at every single setback... sometimes i really do admire lisa, how she manages the section SO well, facing pressure from everywhere, frm band (unneccessary ones like the CHAIRS), frm studies, and also frm her parents, yet still appears most of the times so cheerful and wacko! i dun noe... mayb i'm just not cut out for a bm... this bm thing is driving me crazy although it's only the beginning... not the workload, but my incapability in organising things efficiently, getting things going, inspiring instead of forcing... how to bond the very divided new exco, how to gather faith of the band in us, how to retain the people leaving... i cannot do anything against these... i'm feel so helpless now... yes there is the exco, but i can't seem to get it up and going... i dun think i'm expecting too much of myself cos soon etude's gonna b over n lots of projects going on for the band despite the change in leadership... how to turn the chaos into uniformity, how to make this band 1 big family... it was all just empty talk... i really cannot promise anything... i dun c where else i'm heading for other than failure...

n yet at this time something else seems to be going wrong too... i make an effort to come early (at least on saturdays when i can) to practice and warm up... i practice as much as i could during enrichment week... i really tried... but somehow it gets worse, and worse... and combine rehearsals are even worse, all my solo's screwing up, having no tone neither articulation or anything at all... i can't adapt to the long tone warm up system cos i never believed in it, although i have no choice now n am trying extra hard to make long tone warm ups effective... i am trying... but am heading no where... everytime my tone gets worse, n i dun even feel like playing anymore... diaphragm power no longer existent... i set standards on others, yet i dun meet them myself... i judge others, yet i myself break all my rules... where am i heading... i'm really sorry to my chicken section, n i know i not only destroyed the music but made life very gloomy and downcast today... i sorry... mayb i just need a slp, mayb i need a change... change in environment? my music have already destroyed my sec sku band, giving them that silver that is going to haunt them for ages and affect many cca records... how long more b4 i stop harming and start doing some good?

a leader? can i really be a leader? will i just lead them along the path of self-destruction? a musician? could i really b a musician? am i making music or still making noise? for most of my live, i've grown to learn that music should be close to one's heart, yet now i dun even noe where's my heart... what's the use of daniel lim giving me a baton when i would just be beating time instead of conducting music? what's the use of getting good flutes when i destroy what music that comes to my hand? what's the use of... ...me telling others what they shud do when i dun even noe what i'm doing?

i'm really grateful to my section for showing concern about me, for bothering to send smses, for... everything. i really dunno what force moved me to join the band but i'm glad it did, if not i wouldn't have come to know such a wonderful section and bunch of chicky friends... i noe i'm childish, i noe i'm bad-tempered, i noe i kick up a fuss over small things... just leave me b... let me think through again... let me understand, or at least briefly grasp, what i'm going through now... there's gonna be much more to come in life, let me try my best to mature... in the meantime, please bear with me... cindy, i'll always rmbr (or try my best to rmbr) 明天会跟好(ming tian hui geng hao)！

thx...

Watchman, tell us of the night. For the morning seems to dawn;
Traveler, darkness take its flight; Doubt and terror are withdrawn.
Watchman, let thy wanderings cease; Hie thee to thy quiet home.
Traveler, yes; it brings the day. Healing wholeness now has come!

to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, July 8, 2007
12:58 PM

back again... not on a very pleasant note...

yupp i noe... it's been exactly 1 month since i've blogged... can't help it... so many things going on during the hols... cannot be even counted as hols... oh well... some happy memories, some bad moments... i'm just glad everything has passed by... will miss the gud times though...

first, LONDON trip!!!! very good trip!!!! was worth all the expenses and time!!!! basically was a cultural trip - watched lots of concerts (les miserables, lieder concert, merchant of venice, lso, death in venice), did quite some sight seeing (parks, mount snowdonia), went on museum tours (national gallery, tate museum), and shopping for lots of music stuff (scores, cds)!!!! on the whole, a fantastic trip!!!! highlights were the hike to snowdon, les miserables, lso and shopping!!!! snowdon for the scenery (really beautiful, just that my camera and photography skills were far too sucky to capture all the good stuff!!!! :-[ ) les miserables was really interesting cos it's the first musical i've ever watched, n it was good too (other than marius that nite) lso (it's london symphony orchestra) was AWESOME!!!! it was OMG!!!! rich and powerful!!!! i bet sso can never ever produce that kind of musical standards in a lifetime!!!! anyway, the trip as a general whole was a success n my most appreciated overseas trip ever!!!!

reached back home on 21st june... Grandfather passed away on the next day... i wasn't very affected, but seeing my mum always crying in hysteria just makes it difficult to concentrate in mugging for cts, esp when i'm already so rushed for time... well kept alternating between his wake and home, mugging at both venues... mainly mugged maths cos i decided that was the only subject with the most hope... well quite a manageable paper... while the rest of the cts were pure screwing... i tink my grades might b just like joe's - ASSES!!!!

oh n i simply lurve my chicken section!!!! haha they celebrated my bdae for me!!!! here's a pic of the cake:

haha if u still don't recognise it, it's a chicken bought from cold storage!!!! so nice of them!!!! beside it is one of the presents they gave -the mini big bird!!!! haha freaking cute lah!!!! but so small lah!!!! oh well really appreciated their efforts!!!! after that we cut it and ate it by hand... the only thing was not everybody was happy cos of the cts... quite obvious... oh well i doubt everybody is like me - happy that i quite screwed my cts... anyway still lots of thx to u ppl!!!!

den returns back to band practice!!!! oh i so miss band prac!!!! but having not touched my instrument for almost a month, i really sound like shit, even until today... oh well... i tried practising as hard as possible... but there are still limits to how much one can gain within such a short period of time... somebody help me!!!! well started off on a very bad note ytd for band prac, well it's just part and parcel of preparation for etude!!!! DUN GIVE UP ANYTHING, NEITHER DO U FEEL BAD!!!! IT'S JUST A GIANT PILE UP OF WORKLOAD AND ACTIVITIES THAT WE FACE FROM TIME TO TIME!!!! WELCOME TO JC LIFE MANZ!!!! haha i sound like some communist activist!!!!

oh ytd was CHMA!!!! i practically went crazy, shouting off many insensitive comments, like *** *** **** sucks!!!! haha cat high ppl shud noe who is it!!!! somemore i was in nj uni!!!! oops!!!! hope i didn't get too much attention!!!! on the whole it was gud!!!! the solo vocal and instrumental champs were quite expected cos they were a cut above the rest in the first place!!!! oh but yun song is really gud too!!!! he has improved alot since i last knew his music!!!! so sensitive to all the nuances and phrasing!!!! the bands to me was pure noise other than the champs!!!! the sound system was really too blasty!!!! can't stand it!!!! i tink my ears are damaged and not as sensitive anymore!!!! anyway still a good concert as a whole!!!! mark tan was great!!!! the speech by e RV principle (i tink) was really anti-climax... he was like reminiscing the past in the midst of a high atmosphere!!!! we were like END FASTER!!!!! wah really couldn't stand it!!!! haiz... den went home all alone... called for nex exco meeting!!!! we still got lots to do now!!!! GO ON!!!! DUN LOOK BACK!!!!

to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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