music practical has ended...





after so many days of B***** hard work...





it was a F***ing screw up!!!!!






the worse is...







i realise i don't just screw myself up...






i totally suck as a friend...





practised for this prac for barely 2 wks... took up so much of their time... their precious time to mug... made them so tired... made them so irritated and frustrated and upset... made them think they screwed up my prac when I WAS THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY COCKED THE WHOLE THING UP!!!! made them so busy for nothing... made them feel so anxious and so sorry... SORRY FOR WHAT?!?!?!?! I'M THE ONE WHO'S SUPPOSED TO SAY SO!!!!!! i dunno... i hope i won't have to call upon ur help anymore... not cause i don't want to... i dun wanna drag anymore ppl down... made them stay til so late doing nothing and getting so tired... n in the end they had to come up with all ways to get my attn away from that... i'm really... really sorry...

i'm upset not because i know my marks will suffer... as a true musician... u know there is no such thing as a perfect moment... music is never made... it's always in the making... n more often then not miracles always occur in rehearsals not performances or exams... the marks are of secondary importance... the most important thing is i didn't make my mark... i didn't match up to what i could... i knew very well i could have practised much harder and done much more and better... but i just didn't do it... it wasn't my best at all... far from it... totally far... it just so hurts because i knew that was rubbish i played... total crap... the band broke down after syf not because we didn't get a gwh... but because we knew we could have done much better... n now it not only affects me... i've brought down 2 other ppl with me... in the midst of their promos... in the midst of the very important time of the year... i'm really an asshole... wasted their time... wasted their energy... they had to mug at unconventional times in unconventional environments...

also read lhh's blog today... he was complaining about me and llh... realised i such a jerk... sometimes the things i most feared would occur in me has already occurred... i'm just trying to be as nice a person as possible... but perhaps there is no such thing as true kindness and beauty of character... deep down inside i still am that selfish, arrogant, inconsiderate bastard... he is probably rite... i act a 'mr nice guy' (if u even consider me nice) on the outside but ain't no nice guy on the inside... every since sec3 i knew very well all who work with me would probably end up hating me to the core... i dunno but somehow i can feel it... even if it's not hate... but the sense of closeness is never there anymore... DT... lhh... xy... no more there... sometimes i just sense something is wrong... very wrong... n i noe it's not because of them... cos the fault all lies with me... n probably this blog is even a facade... a face... a platform for me to gain pity... to gain sympathy... to... for the benefit of my selfishness... i'm still some 2-faced f-ing bastard asshole deep down under...


stabat mater is really a heart wrenching piece... some ppl can just sacrifice for the whole world yet i can't even do anything for some dear friends but instead drag them down...