Tuesday, October 30, 2007
6:11 PM
6:11 PM
Go the Distance!
Go the Distance, the song from Hercules, is really beautiful!!!! it almost brought tears to my eyes even though there was nothing special!!!! I think my most favourite line is this:
"But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart"
For a hero's strength is measured by his heart"
So this is to dearest mama and lisa: 加油!!!! All the way!!!! Don't give up!!!! Your chicky juniors will always be there for u!!!! (of course not for cards!!!! not at this time, when u gotta MUG!!!!)
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On another note, i realise i owe my chicky section many many things!!!!
1. Owe big boss and mama i great big sorry for screwing up etude!!!!
2. Owe big boss, mama, and aunt a great big thx and many chickens for helping out for my common test prac!!!!
3. Owe the whole chicky section for helping me up when I was down!!!!
4. Esp poor aunt, who always has to keep listening to my complains!!!!
5. Owe a great big sorry to xy for unconciously forgetting about her and leaving her out for so many things!!!!
6. Owe a great big thx to ant and xy for making the chicky section so fun and enjoyable!!!!
7. Actually, everybody for making the section fun and enjoyable to a stupid geek like me!!!!
8. Owe mama my life!!!! (cos she give birth to me!?!?!)
9. Owe aunt (and 马马
10. Owe big boss a great big sorry for causing so much trouble at the beginning of the yr!!!! (not that i didn't cause trouble after that!!!!)
11. Owe aunt SO MUCH MONEY for the cab fare!!!!
12. Owe the whole chicky section sorriES for causing so much worry and misery with my stupid emo-ness!!!!
13. Owe mama SO MANY FREAKING BOTTLES OF GREEN (GRIN) TEAS!!!! have not given her for days already!!!!
14. Owe ant a great big thx for providing the chicky fund to buy chickens!!!!
15. Owe xy also a great big thx for being so random!!!!
16. Owe mama a third great big thx in a row for letting me learn the harpie and teaching me how to play!!!!
17. But also a great big sorries cos i dun prac and suck at it totally!!!!
18. Owe xy more attn!!!!
19. Owe ant more food!!!!
20. Owe aunt more sorries for always bothering u over msn!!!!
etc.
the list is NOT exhaustive, so u can c how much i really do owe them... practically, my entire life would probably be not enuf to repay them what i owe!!!! i'm such a jerk!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Monday, October 29, 2007
11:59 PM
11:59 PM
heartache, heartache and more heartache...
i've been doing funny things these niteZ... last night i watched a hell lot of youtube videos til super late at nite... mostly leonard bernstein's stuff... now i really understand what miss tan was trying to achieve... den today i went on some blog reading spree... no not the most recent entries... but the mainly the super duper duper old entries... only made me feel much more crappier after crappy fluting... the empathy and sympathy for the blogger... the reflection on my totally failure life... the certain things that has turned into fact that made me very very sad... i don't think i'm thinking too much... i keep asking myself - am i overly or under straining myself? the answer i keep getting is that i'm still not pushing myself hard enuf... but then i try... and try... and try... look at what i've become now... dunno wanna talk anyore... heartache, heartache, and more heartaches...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, October 28, 2007
10:15 PM
10:15 PM
u dun need someone to tell u u suck... when u suck, u noe u suck... and it's really suck... the nicer ppl ard u will try to put it through in a nicer way or say the exact opp just to comfort u... but only makes u feel more crappy... but i rather not they do otherwise, cos it's really too hurting... either way, I SUCK!!!! den ppl accidentally reveal that actually u suck when all along they have been saying u're good!!!! that the MOST HURTING PART ever!!!! den some will first say u suck, den after c-ing ur sulky face, change words and say U ROCK!!!! such hypocrisy, though the intentions r of good nature... at the end of the day, i'm trying to say I SUCK!!!! cos i simply know i suck!!!! but i dunno how i would want to receive it - the straightforward way or the hypocrite way!!!! either way, it's really very hurting... i dunno... i ever thought of changing totally, but i simply can't... some ppl can just leave it behind, others work extra hard and c their efforts being repaid, but i got neither option available even though i have tried both... screw me... screw my life... SCREW EVERYTHING!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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3:54 PM
just completed ff9 today again...
yes i noe it's a super old game... but it's my most favourite game ever... not that i'm much of a hardcore gamer... super meaningful and touching game... esp towards the end... super 感动 ending... nice nice... i play it like almost every long holiday lah!!!! the last time i played it i tink was last dec hols aft o's... but everytime i play it again, i dun get sianz at all... i learn so many lessons about live (YES THROUGH A GAME, NOT THROUGH THOSE IDIOTIC BOOKS OR STUPID PROJECT WORKS!!!!)... the main thing about ff9 is wat it really means to live... to find ur true purpose of existence... it has the most real lessons and most touching scenes ever... haiz i realise many anime and video games all have impt lessons and touching moments... yet adults keep thinking they're crap... yes i'm a child... n i really want to remain as one... i rmbred that the first time i got so moved to tears when watching smth was when i watched pokemon the first movie!!!! YES, NO JOKE!!!! NEITHER IS IT VERY FUNNY!!!! just shows how real they can be too... i think i can really add that point to my pw... haiz... oh well... the game is over again... shall wait til the next long hols... which i doubt will b very soon... cos next yr's a's so long hols r as good as gone!!!! den comes ns very soon aft a's... i dunno whether i'll still b playing it when i grow up...
i'm really sorry for causing so much misery and pouring a wet blanket over everything and making so many ppl worry... i dunnp what's wrong with me... there're some things which i cannot bring myself to face positively... and the worse is, 1 moment i think i have recovered, the next moment i realised i actually am still being bogged down by it... and everyday i have to face it yet again... somethings things i just can't take it lying down, thanks to my sucky competitive attitude... trust me, when u noe me well enuf, u'll nvr like me ever again... mayb u might not even want to talk to me at all...
yes i noe it's a super old game... but it's my most favourite game ever... not that i'm much of a hardcore gamer... super meaningful and touching game... esp towards the end... super 感动 ending... nice nice... i play it like almost every long holiday lah!!!! the last time i played it i tink was last dec hols aft o's... but everytime i play it again, i dun get sianz at all... i learn so many lessons about live (YES THROUGH A GAME, NOT THROUGH THOSE IDIOTIC BOOKS OR STUPID PROJECT WORKS!!!!)... the main thing about ff9 is wat it really means to live... to find ur true purpose of existence... it has the most real lessons and most touching scenes ever... haiz i realise many anime and video games all have impt lessons and touching moments... yet adults keep thinking they're crap... yes i'm a child... n i really want to remain as one... i rmbred that the first time i got so moved to tears when watching smth was when i watched pokemon the first movie!!!! YES, NO JOKE!!!! NEITHER IS IT VERY FUNNY!!!! just shows how real they can be too... i think i can really add that point to my pw... haiz... oh well... the game is over again... shall wait til the next long hols... which i doubt will b very soon... cos next yr's a's so long hols r as good as gone!!!! den comes ns very soon aft a's... i dunno whether i'll still b playing it when i grow up...
i'm really sorry for causing so much misery and pouring a wet blanket over everything and making so many ppl worry... i dunnp what's wrong with me... there're some things which i cannot bring myself to face positively... and the worse is, 1 moment i think i have recovered, the next moment i realised i actually am still being bogged down by it... and everyday i have to face it yet again... somethings things i just can't take it lying down, thanks to my sucky competitive attitude... trust me, when u noe me well enuf, u'll nvr like me ever again... mayb u might not even want to talk to me at all...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Saturday, October 27, 2007
8:45 PM
8:45 PM
'We are all something, but none of us are everything.''
-Blaise Pascal
i think he made a mistake there - some of us just aren't anything...
-Blaise Pascal
i think he made a mistake there - some of us just aren't anything...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Friday, October 26, 2007
11:27 PM
11:27 PM
if i had only brains...
i'm such a jerk!!!! idiot is really the right word!!!! makes ppl's life a havoc and upsetting turbulence!!!! cmi and failure at EVERYTHING!!!! screws my life up!!!! nvr improve no matter how much effort put in!!!! need ppl's comforting (yet not necessarily true) comments just to help me up!!!! i really should contemplate killing myself, cos my life only brings about more miseries!!!! what a jerk am i!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Thursday, October 25, 2007
1:14 AM
1:14 AM
what is done has been done
oh well... the outcome is such... my worries finally manifested into truths and facts... now staring back right at my shocked face... but what can i do now? no point being so upset about it when even he is not right? maybe it's really the best option for him, instead of letting him otherwise which might lead him to waste all his time... he facing it well, and so should I then... I just have to hope that this is only 1 isolated event and there would be no follow-ups whatsoever...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Tuesday, October 23, 2007
2:49 PM
2:49 PM
on death and dying
woke up of slp this morn with death lingering in my mind, i dunno y... when ahead with usually early school life in the morn was still thinking about death along the way... i was thinking (sorry, no intention of cursing at all), what if any of u ppl die (u noe who lah), how would i react? and, if i die, how would u all react? i seriously haven't got an answer after so long thinking... i dunno... was listening to pieces on death on the way... american elegy... stabat... den reached sku, went to confirm results... the aep ppl were qutie sad getting crappy results... actually not really crappy, but just could be much beta!!!! that was when another unpleasant news was broken to me... oh well... y i everybody dying nowadays? this is not a joke... there are quite a bit of happenings around me this year that involve death... that rjc triathelete, formerly cat high guy... although i didn't know him, but still a sad story... then after coming back from london 2nd day my grandfather passed away... i regretfully haven't seen him since cny i guess... den the recent spate of events that come so quickly and suddenly... no time... no time at all...
i think it still all boils down to what exactly death means... i dunno... it's just a perception, but makes a big difference on how u c death... to me, it seems not like the loss of somebody... not the absence of somebody... but rather the loss of some character along with that somebody... no one will be there anymore to speak with that tone of language... no one will be there anymore to act like that crazy... no one will be like that person anymore... that face... those beliefs... that behaviour... those words... all no longer exist...
yet death requiems and pieces so many end with beautiful endings... cos many believe it doesn't end there... if fact many believe it's the start of a new chapter, possibly even a liberation... a liberation from the sufferings of this world... a liberation from all evil... a liberation from the dark and cold world... a better life awaits u, so y are we sad for? we should be glad... glad that they have moved on... glad that they won't need to be stuck by these evil grips of realities... but seeing the face in the coffin again, u noe something is not right... u noe he/she is supposed to be moving... u noe he/she is supposed to get up to scold u, to joke with u, to suan u, to play with u, to ... my mum was calling out everytime she went near my grandfather's coffin b4 she breaks down... every single time... i could not resist my tears... not at all... i really dunno... would i cry if boss/mama/ant/aunt/xy dies? (no offense at all) given the hard hearted me, i really dunno... more like, i don't wanna think about it at all... to be cruel, i rather have forgotten them or die earlier than them than to c them die... i am evil...
anyway on a brighter note, my 2nd couZ found the keys back... really God's grace... cos i was telling cao lao shi about it the other day... and she said just pray and wait... yupp i prayed... waited... by the 2nd day it did come back... not coincidentally but by God's grace... he actually boarded the same bus where he lost it and his FRIEND realised the keys still there and so they found it... thank God!!!!
i think it still all boils down to what exactly death means... i dunno... it's just a perception, but makes a big difference on how u c death... to me, it seems not like the loss of somebody... not the absence of somebody... but rather the loss of some character along with that somebody... no one will be there anymore to speak with that tone of language... no one will be there anymore to act like that crazy... no one will be like that person anymore... that face... those beliefs... that behaviour... those words... all no longer exist...
yet death requiems and pieces so many end with beautiful endings... cos many believe it doesn't end there... if fact many believe it's the start of a new chapter, possibly even a liberation... a liberation from the sufferings of this world... a liberation from all evil... a liberation from the dark and cold world... a better life awaits u, so y are we sad for? we should be glad... glad that they have moved on... glad that they won't need to be stuck by these evil grips of realities... but seeing the face in the coffin again, u noe something is not right... u noe he/she is supposed to be moving... u noe he/she is supposed to get up to scold u, to joke with u, to suan u, to play with u, to ... my mum was calling out everytime she went near my grandfather's coffin b4 she breaks down... every single time... i could not resist my tears... not at all... i really dunno... would i cry if boss/mama/ant/aunt/xy dies? (no offense at all) given the hard hearted me, i really dunno... more like, i don't wanna think about it at all... to be cruel, i rather have forgotten them or die earlier than them than to c them die... i am evil...
anyway on a brighter note, my 2nd couZ found the keys back... really God's grace... cos i was telling cao lao shi about it the other day... and she said just pray and wait... yupp i prayed... waited... by the 2nd day it did come back... not coincidentally but by God's grace... he actually boarded the same bus where he lost it and his FRIEND realised the keys still there and so they found it... thank God!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Monday, October 22, 2007
9:49 PM
9:49 PM
the hourS of fateS
oh well got back all my papers today... like FINALLY!!!! on the whole 1A, 2Bs, 1D (not sure about that one yet), and 1E!!!! not too happy with most of them... first: Maths - A. Happy cos i improved from 89 last time. But very disappointed with myself, cos i really made alot of careless mistakes!!!! and THANK GOD half the paper was proving questions, if not i would have lost more marks to carelessness!!!! so angry with myself lah!!!! idiot me!!!! if not i would have like gotten 99 for the promo paper itself!!!!! zZzZzZzZz!!!!
second: physics - B. ok lah, i should b quite happy with myself cos it's like the first time i've studied physics in a long while!!!! half the topics i only started reading just b4 promos itself!!!! considering that, i think B is not that bad liaoz!!!! again very sad because 5 marks lost for carelessness in MCQ!!!! on the whole promo paper 81/120 which i think could be done much better but i'm contented with it liaoz OK?!?!?!
third: music - B. this one i'm really very disappointed with myself.. first it's supposed to be my other strong area apart from maths, but i'm like really very upset.. first prac!!!! zZzZzZzZzZz... ok face it, i just SUCK lah!!!! brought down my friends with me and still play like shit.... i think i really should go kill myself or smth, for being such an insensitive idiot!!!! secondly, history paper, which was an utter failure!!!! ok yes blame me again!!!! i gave up in the end, cos i realised it wasn't possible to squeeze so much into my tiny pea brain last minute and i really felt like just killing myself even when studying!!!! arggggg.... on the whole, music is really a disappointment... i think i really should consider whether i should really continue in music... yes i do have some passion for it... but... cmi means cmi lah... no matter how u squeeze out still cmi!!!! face it, idiot!!!!
fourth: GP - D, i tink... cos my combine ct and promo is 45... i doubt my va will be that bad so at least can push me up to a D... but oso very disappointing lah... c lah, pon lessons somemore lah... AQ so easy to mark ah? 1 stroke and that's it - 1... screw gp lah... i so just not a language person... but that's not an excuse i guess... education does prepare u for life afterall!!!! but it just sucks!!!!! because LIFE SUCKS!!!!
fifth: chem - E. ok this mark is confirm push up one because i tried calculating and there's no way i could possibly get 11 out of 10 for VA!!!! hey it's NOT BAD ok?!?!?!?!? wanna blame, blame the chem dept for finding so much trouble for themselves... really no pea brain ah... it ain't that bad considering i'm the 4th in class and the highest is only 60 in my class so... u get the idea...
hmmm... have i finished all the subjects???? i guess so for the time being... today seems just like a roller coaster ride... started with crappy GP (low point), then moved on to nice maths (high point) , then to crappy chem (low point), and finally to better-than-average physics (high point)... can u see the shape of the ride now? saw many different faces today... actually not really many, just 2 different kinds, exhilarated or emo!!!! sze, CHEER UP!!!! come'on, u know u did well for gp, u just have high expectations of yourself!!!! yea aunt was super happy, i guess, cos she doesn't have to retain!!!! haha ur sms really funny, dun have to report to ... ok shan't remind u about it... yea nephew's happy for ya too!!!! now quite worried 'bout ant... hope he's doing fine and has promoted... i hope all that i heard were all rumours... please, let it be... den we can be back as 1 chicky section!!!! jean cried, for no apparent reason... she said she wasn't sad, but i guess deep down she still is... i think many r oso holding back their tears... oh well... a typical s'porean student will be happy to have promoted... a typical nj mugger will nvr be contented with his/her marks!!!! i shall be in btw!!!! yea congrats to all who have promoted!!!
second: physics - B. ok lah, i should b quite happy with myself cos it's like the first time i've studied physics in a long while!!!! half the topics i only started reading just b4 promos itself!!!! considering that, i think B is not that bad liaoz!!!! again very sad because 5 marks lost for carelessness in MCQ!!!! on the whole promo paper 81/120 which i think could be done much better but i'm contented with it liaoz OK?!?!?!
third: music - B. this one i'm really very disappointed with myself.. first it's supposed to be my other strong area apart from maths, but i'm like really very upset.. first prac!!!! zZzZzZzZzZz... ok face it, i just SUCK lah!!!! brought down my friends with me and still play like shit.... i think i really should go kill myself or smth, for being such an insensitive idiot!!!! secondly, history paper, which was an utter failure!!!! ok yes blame me again!!!! i gave up in the end, cos i realised it wasn't possible to squeeze so much into my tiny pea brain last minute and i really felt like just killing myself even when studying!!!! arggggg.... on the whole, music is really a disappointment... i think i really should consider whether i should really continue in music... yes i do have some passion for it... but... cmi means cmi lah... no matter how u squeeze out still cmi!!!! face it, idiot!!!!
fourth: GP - D, i tink... cos my combine ct and promo is 45... i doubt my va will be that bad so at least can push me up to a D... but oso very disappointing lah... c lah, pon lessons somemore lah... AQ so easy to mark ah? 1 stroke and that's it - 1... screw gp lah... i so just not a language person... but that's not an excuse i guess... education does prepare u for life afterall!!!! but it just sucks!!!!! because LIFE SUCKS!!!!
fifth: chem - E. ok this mark is confirm push up one because i tried calculating and there's no way i could possibly get 11 out of 10 for VA!!!! hey it's NOT BAD ok?!?!?!?!? wanna blame, blame the chem dept for finding so much trouble for themselves... really no pea brain ah... it ain't that bad considering i'm the 4th in class and the highest is only 60 in my class so... u get the idea...
hmmm... have i finished all the subjects???? i guess so for the time being... today seems just like a roller coaster ride... started with crappy GP (low point), then moved on to nice maths (high point) , then to crappy chem (low point), and finally to better-than-average physics (high point)... can u see the shape of the ride now? saw many different faces today... actually not really many, just 2 different kinds, exhilarated or emo!!!! sze, CHEER UP!!!! come'on, u know u did well for gp, u just have high expectations of yourself!!!! yea aunt was super happy, i guess, cos she doesn't have to retain!!!! haha ur sms really funny, dun have to report to ... ok shan't remind u about it... yea nephew's happy for ya too!!!! now quite worried 'bout ant... hope he's doing fine and has promoted... i hope all that i heard were all rumours... please, let it be... den we can be back as 1 chicky section!!!! jean cried, for no apparent reason... she said she wasn't sad, but i guess deep down she still is... i think many r oso holding back their tears... oh well... a typical s'porean student will be happy to have promoted... a typical nj mugger will nvr be contented with his/her marks!!!! i shall be in btw!!!! yea congrats to all who have promoted!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, October 21, 2007
11:59 PM
11:59 PM
a tribute to my dearest chicken section
hmmm... i'm feeling really weird now... guess i'm missing my section so i shall blog about them!!!!
Name: Lisa Saw Swee Lin
a.k.a Big Boss, she is famous for her obsession with cards and would nvr let loose on any chance to play cards whenever we're free!!!! highly random, though not the MOST random... she also loves spongebob and being a ponstar!!!!! often ridiculed for her name (lisa SAW swee lin? SAW LOSER?!?!) well, she's the best sl i've ever met and i'm really grateful to all she has done for the section for the past year!!!!! I guess we'll love her foreva and will miss her in time to come!!!!!
Name: Guo Yuxin 果鱼心
a.k.a my MAMA!!!!! yea i love my MAMA to bits manZ!!!! she's like one of the best MAMAs on earth (of course second to my real mama)!!!!! commonly known for her HARPIE and blistered fingers (ouch!)!!!!! poor mama!!!!! must be me nvr take care of my mama well enough!!!!! she loves drinking green tea!!!!! (and so influenced me too!!!!!) yea and she really cares about me (yea that super long letter written at 1) and i'm really grateful too!!!!! and i'm HAPPY to have such a mama!!!! too bad i keep letting her down!!!!! sorry mama!!!!
Name: Anthony Chua Hong Bin
a.k.a ant, cindy's bast son!!!!! those 2 photos are the best impression of him - eating and sleeping!!!! he can practically eat and slp anywhere anytime (of course not simultaneously)!!!! well other than that he's a pro piccoloist and a very loving b.f. (if only i were like half of him!!!! wait til i get a g.f. first lah!!!!!) when he choings, he'll b where he wants!!!!! he's super pro and a super filial son to his mama!!!!! haha my cousin!!!!! nvr fails to make jokes and random ideas!!!!
Name: Cindy Lum Lye Teng
a.k.a my aunt!!!!!! often ridiculed for her name (Lump) and hair (darth vader look-alike)!!!! yes as the pic suggest she was the one to introduce poohs as a section icon!!!! poohs, not to cuddle, but to shake legs!!!! (eh or was it saw? oops) but nevertheleess she's a super-pro flautist, whole day whole life say she sux but then actually she's at godess mode liaoz, den make lousy ppl like me so wanna kill myself for being so sux!!!! ni shi zai de lor!!!!! semi-blind, highly random, no-life librarian, 2nd supporter of cards!!!!!
Name: Tan Xiang Yin
a.k.a XY!!!!! haha sounds like math!!!! so when u wanna say like anybody, dun was XYZ, cos it's super sensitive!!!! super high and random!!!! deface scores with random comments, like somewhere over the rainbow (drawing a rainbow and writing somewhere over it), meh meh eat grass, moomoo, mep mep etc. doesn't like to prac but is super pro for someone who doesn't prac!!!! sorries if we seem to neglect u outta the section, but u noe we dun mean to!!!!! so continue being ur high and random self and stop being emo or worried about ur ip assesment!!!! u'll make it for sure!!!!
Name: Lisa Saw Swee Lin
a.k.a Big Boss, she is famous for her obsession with cards and would nvr let loose on any chance to play cards whenever we're free!!!! highly random, though not the MOST random... she also loves spongebob and being a ponstar!!!!! often ridiculed for her name (lisa SAW swee lin? SAW LOSER?!?!) well, she's the best sl i've ever met and i'm really grateful to all she has done for the section for the past year!!!!! I guess we'll love her foreva and will miss her in time to come!!!!!
Name: Guo Yuxin 果鱼心
a.k.a my MAMA!!!!! yea i love my MAMA to bits manZ!!!! she's like one of the best MAMAs on earth (of course second to my real mama)!!!!! commonly known for her HARPIE and blistered fingers (ouch!)!!!!! poor mama!!!!! must be me nvr take care of my mama well enough!!!!! she loves drinking green tea!!!!! (and so influenced me too!!!!!) yea and she really cares about me (yea that super long letter written at 1) and i'm really grateful too!!!!! and i'm HAPPY to have such a mama!!!! too bad i keep letting her down!!!!! sorry mama!!!!
Name: Anthony Chua Hong Bin
a.k.a ant, cindy's bast son!!!!! those 2 photos are the best impression of him - eating and sleeping!!!! he can practically eat and slp anywhere anytime (of course not simultaneously)!!!! well other than that he's a pro piccoloist and a very loving b.f. (if only i were like half of him!!!! wait til i get a g.f. first lah!!!!!) when he choings, he'll b where he wants!!!!! he's super pro and a super filial son to his mama!!!!! haha my cousin!!!!! nvr fails to make jokes and random ideas!!!!
Name: Cindy Lum Lye Teng
a.k.a my aunt!!!!!! often ridiculed for her name (Lump) and hair (darth vader look-alike)!!!! yes as the pic suggest she was the one to introduce poohs as a section icon!!!! poohs, not to cuddle, but to shake legs!!!! (eh or was it saw? oops) but nevertheleess she's a super-pro flautist, whole day whole life say she sux but then actually she's at godess mode liaoz, den make lousy ppl like me so wanna kill myself for being so sux!!!! ni shi zai de lor!!!!! semi-blind, highly random, no-life librarian, 2nd supporter of cards!!!!!
Name: Tan Xiang Yin
a.k.a XY!!!!! haha sounds like math!!!! so when u wanna say like anybody, dun was XYZ, cos it's super sensitive!!!! super high and random!!!! deface scores with random comments, like somewhere over the rainbow (drawing a rainbow and writing somewhere over it), meh meh eat grass, moomoo, mep mep etc. doesn't like to prac but is super pro for someone who doesn't prac!!!! sorries if we seem to neglect u outta the section, but u noe we dun mean to!!!!! so continue being ur high and random self and stop being emo or worried about ur ip assesment!!!! u'll make it for sure!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Saturday, October 20, 2007
3:21 PM
3:21 PM
facing reality is the toughest job!
and i thought i could just sink into deep sleep and forget about everything...
but NO, i had to wake up every now and then...
and be reminded of my most dreaded things...
i realised myself trying to just sleep for eternity...
and when i wake up...
i just sink into self-wallowing-pity and despair....
i am a WEAKLING!!!!
but NO, i had to wake up every now and then...
and be reminded of my most dreaded things...
i realised myself trying to just sleep for eternity...
and when i wake up...
i just sink into self-wallowing-pity and despair....
i am a WEAKLING!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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12:19 AM
'I want to keep on trying to be, in the full sense of that wonderful word, a musician.' - Leonard Bernstein
the problem is, can I?
maybe i'm just not suitable for this..
yet it has become a part of my life..
without it, i rather die...
the problem is, can I?
maybe i'm just not suitable for this..
yet it has become a part of my life..
without it, i rather die...
Watchman, tell us of the night. For the morning seems to dawn;
Traveler, darkness takes its flight; Doubt and terror are withdrawn.
Watchman, let thy wanderings cease; Hie thee to thy quiet home.
Traveler, yes; it brings the day. Healing wholeness now has come!
Traveler, darkness takes its flight; Doubt and terror are withdrawn.
Watchman, let thy wanderings cease; Hie thee to thy quiet home.
Traveler, yes; it brings the day. Healing wholeness now has come!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Thursday, October 18, 2007
10:32 PM
10:32 PM
let me tell u a joke...
ok... just now somebody (person a) smsed me.. complained that i didn't trust him/her... because apparently he/she received a sms from another person b... the person b was asking about something, which was part of person a's duty... ok so person a got worked up and fussed all over it.. so sent me an sms say i didn't trust him/her... then i smsed back, saying i didn't tell the person b to do person a's job... i genuinely only informed person a regarding the matter and did not do anything person a accused me of... but person a still did not believe me... so i told person a: WHO DOESN'T TRUST WHO? then person a said: yea i dun trust u and cited one of my previous mistakes which was like quite some time ago... person a also said i shouldn't use sms to convey important information... and so i told person a, my previous mistake was a genuine misunderstanding and i did correct it IMMEDIATELY when i learnt about the mistake... and i told person a i couldn't c them to tell them personally cos of the varied timetable and calling would be the most cost-incurring and inefficient method... and what's wrong with sms anyway? i always loved using sms because IT'S CLEAR IN BLACK AND WHITE!!!! oh then person a said it's the job requirement of a bm and he/she was a bm b4 and he/she did it... i didn't want to reply anymore... just a greater argument to follow... the thing is this...
1. if u were a bm b4 y aren't u a bm now? and being a bm b4 u should know better than to bear grudges of scores long ago cos u jolly well know nobody can work well with a broken relationship...
2. so what if u did it? does it mean i have to do the same? have u ever reflected on whether what u did was the best? and PLEASE don't tell me all other BMs do the same thing... so was it a habit to bind women's feet in the ancient chinese tradition, that painful torturous process... and so were women treated like dirt in the past cultures... and so u say it's traditional practice and so we don't do anything is it? if a heritage is detrimental, u don't just sit there and do nothing... and you, of all people, a musician, should know that better... when it comes to high levels, there's no right or wrong, or supposed-to or not-supposed-to... y do the top notch conductors ALL BREAK THE RULES?!?!
3. i was first introduced to leadership with this statement:
4. like pap loves to say: it is evident the people have given ME the mandate and their votes... then u jolly well go with me... u can voice out your disagreements, u can say your comments... but the final decision, like it or not, still lies in me... if u still are as naive as to think of a democratic system, of all places, in band, i'm sorry to disappoint u: it's nvr going to happen... good band and orchestras or ANY music group function only by dictatorship... u should know better that big ensembles always follow a hierarchical structure to maintain order... cos musicians being musicians all believe strongly in their own thoughts and principles... u don't like the system and please GET OUT OF IT!!!!! karajan was like that with the berlin phil... it IS dictatorship so trust me, if u really do piss me off, i WILL NOT HESITATE TO MAKE LIFE DIFFICULT FOR U AT ALL!!!! trust me...
anyway person a left me with the last words: don't get so worked up, yea? haha... i just feel like giving him/her a cold smile and ask: who's the one that is so worked up?
1. if u were a bm b4 y aren't u a bm now? and being a bm b4 u should know better than to bear grudges of scores long ago cos u jolly well know nobody can work well with a broken relationship...
2. so what if u did it? does it mean i have to do the same? have u ever reflected on whether what u did was the best? and PLEASE don't tell me all other BMs do the same thing... so was it a habit to bind women's feet in the ancient chinese tradition, that painful torturous process... and so were women treated like dirt in the past cultures... and so u say it's traditional practice and so we don't do anything is it? if a heritage is detrimental, u don't just sit there and do nothing... and you, of all people, a musician, should know that better... when it comes to high levels, there's no right or wrong, or supposed-to or not-supposed-to... y do the top notch conductors ALL BREAK THE RULES?!?!
3. i was first introduced to leadership with this statement:
if u think u are right, u ARE right.
if u dunno whether u are right, u ARE right.
the thing is like it or not people ONLY learn through mistakes and it's a fact... whether it's other's mistakes or ur own... even if i did make that mistake, i did my every effort to correct it asap, and am as sensitive and careful as possible whenever i deal with similar issues again... if u choose to remain in that time frame and not move on, then it's too bad for u... but don't push the blame on anybody else...if u dunno whether u are right, u ARE right.
4. like pap loves to say: it is evident the people have given ME the mandate and their votes... then u jolly well go with me... u can voice out your disagreements, u can say your comments... but the final decision, like it or not, still lies in me... if u still are as naive as to think of a democratic system, of all places, in band, i'm sorry to disappoint u: it's nvr going to happen... good band and orchestras or ANY music group function only by dictatorship... u should know better that big ensembles always follow a hierarchical structure to maintain order... cos musicians being musicians all believe strongly in their own thoughts and principles... u don't like the system and please GET OUT OF IT!!!!! karajan was like that with the berlin phil... it IS dictatorship so trust me, if u really do piss me off, i WILL NOT HESITATE TO MAKE LIFE DIFFICULT FOR U AT ALL!!!! trust me...
anyway person a left me with the last words: don't get so worked up, yea? haha... i just feel like giving him/her a cold smile and ask: who's the one that is so worked up?
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Monday, October 15, 2007
10:15 PM
10:15 PM
what to do?
hmm... what do u do when u can't get your way? would u just let it off in anger or demand all the way for what u think is right? yet what u think is right may not definitely be right... esp when someone older is against u... but sometimes adults just can't see clearly... sometimes people are put in too high a position that they can't see straight anymore... and when they fall, it's a great fall... but worse is when they don't fall at all... then the ones to suffer are not them... are the poor generations to come... they destroy almost every single one that comes into hand... from a gem to a stone... from a phoenix to a bird... from the fire to the ashes... yet they don't feel remorseful at all...
so much for student leadership... the system is so sad a system... designed to fail right from the beginning... functions more like student servants then leaders... set out a demand and expect the leaders to do... aren't leaders supposed to LEAD? NOT TAKE ORDERS!!!!! no doubt they are students and you can give advice from afar but not RESTRICT THEIR EVERY MOVEMENT!!!! expecting us to do a proposal after the meeting doesn't make us leaders!!!! leaves the leaders everyday asking what do you want what do u not want!!!! and WHO THE HELL SAYS A LEADER IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXAMPLE MODEL TO THE REST?!?!?! WHO SAYS LEADERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST PERFECT PEOPLE ON THE WORLD!?!? then HOW DO YOU JUDGE A LEADER?!?!?! U SAY LEADERS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HEROS - FINE!!! then you expect us to do everything you say!!!! leaders lead! they don't follow! then HOW DO YOU JUDGE A LEADER?!?!?!? BY THE RESULTS!?!?!?!? then you'll just produce another batch of LEE HAK BOON AND V. CHENG!!!! SO HOW?!?!?!?
oh well considering i've been in worse situations of being trapped in between personal conflicts and getting scolded for that, now is not that bad afterall... i'm just trying to do what's best for everybody, yet all one cares is about the school and it's image and it's rules!!!! we do work on different sides of the school but you are still responsible for everything here and you just like me have a responsibility over us and not only to your aboves!!!! haiz but considering you are who you are, i doubt anything's gonna change...
so much for student leadership... the system is so sad a system... designed to fail right from the beginning... functions more like student servants then leaders... set out a demand and expect the leaders to do... aren't leaders supposed to LEAD? NOT TAKE ORDERS!!!!! no doubt they are students and you can give advice from afar but not RESTRICT THEIR EVERY MOVEMENT!!!! expecting us to do a proposal after the meeting doesn't make us leaders!!!! leaves the leaders everyday asking what do you want what do u not want!!!! and WHO THE HELL SAYS A LEADER IS SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXAMPLE MODEL TO THE REST?!?!?! WHO SAYS LEADERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST PERFECT PEOPLE ON THE WORLD!?!? then HOW DO YOU JUDGE A LEADER?!?!?! U SAY LEADERS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HEROS - FINE!!! then you expect us to do everything you say!!!! leaders lead! they don't follow! then HOW DO YOU JUDGE A LEADER?!?!?!? BY THE RESULTS!?!?!?!? then you'll just produce another batch of LEE HAK BOON AND V. CHENG!!!! SO HOW?!?!?!?
oh well considering i've been in worse situations of being trapped in between personal conflicts and getting scolded for that, now is not that bad afterall... i'm just trying to do what's best for everybody, yet all one cares is about the school and it's image and it's rules!!!! we do work on different sides of the school but you are still responsible for everything here and you just like me have a responsibility over us and not only to your aboves!!!! haiz but considering you are who you are, i doubt anything's gonna change...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Friday, October 12, 2007
11:09 PM
11:09 PM
hmm... eventful day today... started with physics double... physics mcq returned... FEEL LIKE MURDERING MYSELF BRUTALLY!!!!! got 21/30 with 5 marks lost to CARELESSNESS!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! i'm SO gonna kill myself lah... then wasn't thinking straight for the rest of the day... went for maths lecture which sped through vectors 1 and completed it... then went for pe... last pe lesson of the year i guess... i mean for my fri slot... played captains ball and tried to trick miss tan into believing that we played a draw and both grps should get prices... after that she said last ball on a draw and we were like PASSING THE BALL AROUND WITHOUT SCORING!!!!! haha even passing to the opponent team and back... haha i think this is like 1 of the most enjoyable pe lessons in the year... i haven't really enjoyed pe lessons in ages... went for maths tutorials after that... also the last for the yr... really sad is we won't be taught by him again next year... he is REALLY GUD and effective and funny and approachable... oh well i guess we can just miss him... then was supposed to go buy the cake with aunt but ended up wasting my time away cos the side gate just wouldn't open and i had lessons after lunch at 110pm... music lessons was very bad... went through part of the music paper... felt as if i'm gonna get another U lah... can't blame anybody, but just felt down lah... went after that with aunt and cousin to buy the cake... too bad didn't bring a cam to take a pic of the cake... quite a cute one with the brownies falling off every now and then... plan to trick xy failed but i guess the celebrations wasn't much of a failure afterall... hope ya liked it!!!!! relax session for mama and big boss, and section bonding session once again in a VERY long while!!!! happy bridging and taidee-ing in lt4 til shut down then went off, and my RETARD aunt missed 2 buses... the first one forgivable cos the blind driver didn't c her... the 2nd bus came immediately after and she was prepared to go on the bus when she thought her wallet was missing... walked back a few steps, ransacking her back and finally found her wallet IN HER BACK!!! but the blind bus driver left again... oh well u really deserve and name of a RIT. (RETARD) AUNT!!!! oh well... hope everybody loved the time together today!!!! thx to mama and big boss for coming, making u all stay til so late... thx to aunt and cousin fall going together to buy the presents and paying for them... i feel so bad cos i like didn't do anything... oh well returned home really tired... lazed around til now...
oh well stress is building up on guo and saw... relax and MUG ON!!! ok somehow the statement contradicts... oh well... 加油 all the WAY!!!!! chicky juniors all behind u!!!! and last but not least HAPPY BDAE TO XY!!!! PEACE & LOVE FOREVER!!!!!
oh well stress is building up on guo and saw... relax and MUG ON!!! ok somehow the statement contradicts... oh well... 加油 all the WAY!!!!! chicky juniors all behind u!!!! and last but not least HAPPY BDAE TO XY!!!! PEACE & LOVE FOREVER!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, October 7, 2007
9:27 PM
9:27 PM
music
beautiful composition, beautiful music... all along i've always wondered why miss tan liked leonard bernstein so much... now i know... it isn't about his conducting style... it isn't about his name or fame or position... it's about him... all along whenever people commented on miss tan's conducting, it neither is about her beauty of conducting style... the word here is passion... they always marvelled at how passionate she was when making music... so was leonard bernstein... no doubt he has broken all basic fixed rules of conducting but he has made every aspect of the music MUSIC!!!! i really do miss playing under miss tan... i've really learned many things under her and i still wish to study under her once again... when music is really MUSIC!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Saturday, October 6, 2007
9:26 PM
9:26 PM
bleak days...
i don't understand... promos are over... but my life seems to have gotten worse... life in sku is really bad... i think i realised smth about myself i shouldn't have... i forsee a mistake that i'll regret for the rest of my life... creating so much confusion... making the fake look real... yet the real becomes seemingly impossible... i have a confession... but no one to make to... i am... no more than an idiotic jerk... i thought i wouldn't get into such trouble already ever since like almost 6 years ago and caused so much agony... it was mistake on my part... but given my character this mistake i wouldn't bother... not because i can't be bothered... but because i don't even dare to face it...
the previous period of my life was neither very good and i really wonder how i survived... but somehow i did... maybe thanks to certain people... that i realised i have yet to thank properly at all... thx to dear horsey marui for taking so much time to practise for my practical... i can say honestly i think my mama is still the best accompanist so far but i really thank you for being so responsible and really practising... that's always the problem with accompanists... always make empty promises but dun deliver... going to a rehearsal is like sight reading a piece... but marui is different... she does practise a lot despite she having promos as well... when i asked her whether she could stay back after school to practise, she readily agreed and went on with me even until the end of the day like 8 plus 9... n she didn't complain at all... i mean i really dun care even if i have the best accompanist in the world but i'm just contented with marui and i really wanna thank her frm the bottom of my heart... the other is my crazy aunt... crazy as she is, she also put in all her effort for my practical... didn't mind staying back to practise after gp... didn't mind playing some last minute piece... didn't mind sacrificing her hangout time and mugging time... didn't mind waiting until the end of the day just for my prac... didn't mind me sending all those crap during promos... didn't mind me whole day complaining how hard it is to mug and study and concentrate and so on... didn't mind me irritating her in the middle of the night... and i haven't thanked her properly yet... i think i owe a hell lot to these 2 people at least... no... i DO owe a hell lot to them... yet i haven't done anything for them...
now almost the whole year is over... yes guo and saw had their last day of school ytd... it'll never be the same again... i'm really grateful to them for the past year... for being there when i needed them... sorry mama for not 孝顺-ing you recently... sorry for showing u people the black face of mine when u bothered to say hi... i tink what's left are memories... precious memories that i never ever wish to forget or erase... but life has to move on... i'm sure u ppl have many others u miss too... at least i got to give my mama one last bottle of green tea b4 she left... so now maybe i'll c u people in school someday... i hope not the last time i'll c ya... i really hope it's 再见 and not 永别... 大老板, cheer up!
if there's 1 word that can cescribe my life now, it's just 'sucks'! sucks, not because of the people in my life - they're the most wonderful people i've ever met! sucks, because i've let down all these people, dissapointed them again and again... each time telling myself to do better each time but not having any improvement everytime but in fact getting worse... i've troubled so many people, burdened so many more... i've asked myself y am i like that... but only got myself, no, the people around me into more troubles... and now i've created a major confusion that i myself don't know how to solve... someday.... i'll just float away on a small raft... float endlessly across the broad ocean... until i find myself on a totally new shore... then i'll wake up... wake up and start anew... afresh... abundance in hope...............
i won't bother explaining for my behaviour ytd... yes i noe it's wrong and i noe it's irresponsible and am prepared to get another blasting at me... maybe even another blog post against me... i don't know but i ain't feeling right... but neither can i find the right answer now... i need time... time... or rather i don't want time... i just want this to end once and for all...
the previous period of my life was neither very good and i really wonder how i survived... but somehow i did... maybe thanks to certain people... that i realised i have yet to thank properly at all... thx to dear horsey marui for taking so much time to practise for my practical... i can say honestly i think my mama is still the best accompanist so far but i really thank you for being so responsible and really practising... that's always the problem with accompanists... always make empty promises but dun deliver... going to a rehearsal is like sight reading a piece... but marui is different... she does practise a lot despite she having promos as well... when i asked her whether she could stay back after school to practise, she readily agreed and went on with me even until the end of the day like 8 plus 9... n she didn't complain at all... i mean i really dun care even if i have the best accompanist in the world but i'm just contented with marui and i really wanna thank her frm the bottom of my heart... the other is my crazy aunt... crazy as she is, she also put in all her effort for my practical... didn't mind staying back to practise after gp... didn't mind playing some last minute piece... didn't mind sacrificing her hangout time and mugging time... didn't mind waiting until the end of the day just for my prac... didn't mind me sending all those crap during promos... didn't mind me whole day complaining how hard it is to mug and study and concentrate and so on... didn't mind me irritating her in the middle of the night... and i haven't thanked her properly yet... i think i owe a hell lot to these 2 people at least... no... i DO owe a hell lot to them... yet i haven't done anything for them...
now almost the whole year is over... yes guo and saw had their last day of school ytd... it'll never be the same again... i'm really grateful to them for the past year... for being there when i needed them... sorry mama for not 孝顺-ing you recently... sorry for showing u people the black face of mine when u bothered to say hi... i tink what's left are memories... precious memories that i never ever wish to forget or erase... but life has to move on... i'm sure u ppl have many others u miss too... at least i got to give my mama one last bottle of green tea b4 she left... so now maybe i'll c u people in school someday... i hope not the last time i'll c ya... i really hope it's 再见 and not 永别... 大老板, cheer up!
if there's 1 word that can cescribe my life now, it's just 'sucks'! sucks, not because of the people in my life - they're the most wonderful people i've ever met! sucks, because i've let down all these people, dissapointed them again and again... each time telling myself to do better each time but not having any improvement everytime but in fact getting worse... i've troubled so many people, burdened so many more... i've asked myself y am i like that... but only got myself, no, the people around me into more troubles... and now i've created a major confusion that i myself don't know how to solve... someday.... i'll just float away on a small raft... float endlessly across the broad ocean... until i find myself on a totally new shore... then i'll wake up... wake up and start anew... afresh... abundance in hope...............
i won't bother explaining for my behaviour ytd... yes i noe it's wrong and i noe it's irresponsible and am prepared to get another blasting at me... maybe even another blog post against me... i don't know but i ain't feeling right... but neither can i find the right answer now... i need time... time... or rather i don't want time... i just want this to end once and for all...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Friday, October 5, 2007
11:30 PM
11:30 PM
i thought ytd's episode would end just there... it was fine initially today... but didn't remain so as i wished... sometimes i just have to admit i'm not all that good and useful a person... i dunno y but helplessness has seemed to overcome be eversince after syf til now... and it gets worse and worse... no matter how much effort i put in... everything comes out a flop... not just exams... not just studies... but even on a more personal level... efforts are nvr enough... (did i even bother to make an effort in the first place? or was it i really couldn't?)
more is coming my way... it only gets worse... do i really need a break? or is it truely my heart that is stopping me at everything? i wish i could... i'm lost... one moment i feel hopeful and initiate something... the next moment was all rubbish wishing i was at home just sleeping... maybe my heart doesn't go there at all, despite how much i wished it would... do u really think it's possible to change the internalised character of someone? the longer i live, the more i realise what a foul beast i am deep inside... does altruism ever exist in the first place? or is it just a state of utopia?
i'm still searching for an answer...
more is coming my way... it only gets worse... do i really need a break? or is it truely my heart that is stopping me at everything? i wish i could... i'm lost... one moment i feel hopeful and initiate something... the next moment was all rubbish wishing i was at home just sleeping... maybe my heart doesn't go there at all, despite how much i wished it would... do u really think it's possible to change the internalised character of someone? the longer i live, the more i realise what a foul beast i am deep inside... does altruism ever exist in the first place? or is it just a state of utopia?
i'm still searching for an answer...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Tuesday, October 2, 2007
9:59 PM
9:59 PM
i'm so sick of my life...
i'm really sick of everything now... sick of all this endless mugging... all for the sake of stupid exams... i'm really gonna hand up an empty script tmr for music for my essay cos til now i haven't started anything on western music... n my indian music's a mess too... i'm really IRRITATED now and so FREAKING FRUSTRATED cos i can't seem to get anything into my head when i bet the rest would be burning the nite cramming all the notes into their tiny brains... mine is just not functioning and neither am i in any mood to make it function... i really HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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3:17 PM
i can't stand it any longer...
i'm really tired... everybody's done for the promos... knowing well they wouldn't be retained (cos you can't possibly retain so many people)... n i've still have 1 more paper tmr... and it's really a crazy paper... yes it was told right in my face that it's gonna be a killer paper... and at the rate i'm going i'm not even gonna complete even 1/3 of what i'm supposed to study... still on indian classical music... i really hate memorising all the alien terms... n honestly i don't even understand what i'm reading at all... it's like the more i read up the worse it gets... and i have lass than half the day left... not done on indian... still have stravinsky and satie... yes i'm weak... i'm really weak... i tink i'll just give up on music tmr and just have a nice sleep during the paper... i really cannot make it now... i really do hate my life totally...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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