i don't understand... promos are over... but my life seems to have gotten worse... life in sku is really bad... i think i realised smth about myself i shouldn't have... i forsee a mistake that i'll regret for the rest of my life... creating so much confusion... making the fake look real... yet the real becomes seemingly impossible... i have a confession... but no one to make to... i am... no more than an idiotic jerk... i thought i wouldn't get into such trouble already ever since like almost 6 years ago and caused so much agony... it was mistake on my part... but given my character this mistake i wouldn't bother... not because i can't be bothered... but because i don't even dare to face it...

the previous period of my life was neither very good and i really wonder how i survived... but somehow i did... maybe thanks to certain people... that i realised i have yet to thank properly at all... thx to dear horsey marui for taking so much time to practise for my practical... i can say honestly i think my mama is still the best accompanist so far but i really thank you for being so responsible and really practising... that's always the problem with accompanists... always make empty promises but dun deliver... going to a rehearsal is like sight reading a piece... but marui is different... she does practise a lot despite she having promos as well... when i asked her whether she could stay back after school to practise, she readily agreed and went on with me even until the end of the day like 8 plus 9... n she didn't complain at all... i mean i really dun care even if i have the best accompanist in the world but i'm just contented with marui and i really wanna thank her frm the bottom of my heart... the other is my crazy aunt... crazy as she is, she also put in all her effort for my practical... didn't mind staying back to practise after gp... didn't mind playing some last minute piece... didn't mind sacrificing her hangout time and mugging time... didn't mind waiting until the end of the day just for my prac... didn't mind me sending all those crap during promos... didn't mind me whole day complaining how hard it is to mug and study and concentrate and so on... didn't mind me irritating her in the middle of the night... and i haven't thanked her properly yet... i think i owe a hell lot to these 2 people at least... no... i DO owe a hell lot to them... yet i haven't done anything for them...

now almost the whole year is over... yes guo and saw had their last day of school ytd... it'll never be the same again... i'm really grateful to them for the past year... for being there when i needed them... sorry mama for not 孝顺-ing you recently... sorry for showing u people the black face of mine when u bothered to say hi... i tink what's left are memories... precious memories that i never ever wish to forget or erase... but life has to move on... i'm sure u ppl have many others u miss too... at least i got to give my mama one last bottle of green tea b4 she left... so now maybe i'll c u people in school someday... i hope not the last time i'll c ya... i really hope it's 再见 and not 永别... 大老板, cheer up!

if there's 1 word that can cescribe my life now, it's just 'sucks'! sucks, not because of the people in my life - they're the most wonderful people i've ever met! sucks, because i've let down all these people, dissapointed them again and again... each time telling myself to do better each time but not having any improvement everytime but in fact getting worse... i've troubled so many people, burdened so many more... i've asked myself y am i like that... but only got myself, no, the people around me into more troubles... and now i've created a major confusion that i myself don't know how to solve... someday.... i'll just float away on a small raft... float endlessly across the broad ocean... until i find myself on a totally new shore... then i'll wake up... wake up and start anew... afresh... abundance in hope...............

i won't bother explaining for my behaviour ytd... yes i noe it's wrong and i noe it's irresponsible and am prepared to get another blasting at me... maybe even another blog post against me... i don't know but i ain't feeling right... but neither can i find the right answer now... i need time... time... or rather i don't want time... i just want this to end once and for all...