i thought ytd's episode would end just there... it was fine initially today... but didn't remain so as i wished... sometimes i just have to admit i'm not all that good and useful a person... i dunno y but helplessness has seemed to overcome be eversince after syf til now... and it gets worse and worse... no matter how much effort i put in... everything comes out a flop... not just exams... not just studies... but even on a more personal level... efforts are nvr enough... (did i even bother to make an effort in the first place? or was it i really couldn't?)

more is coming my way... it only gets worse... do i really need a break? or is it truely my heart that is stopping me at everything? i wish i could... i'm lost... one moment i feel hopeful and initiate something... the next moment was all rubbish wishing i was at home just sleeping... maybe my heart doesn't go there at all, despite how much i wished it would... do u really think it's possible to change the internalised character of someone? the longer i live, the more i realise what a foul beast i am deep inside... does altruism ever exist in the first place? or is it just a state of utopia?

i'm still searching for an answer...