Thursday, November 29, 2007
2:02 AM
2:02 AM
this post is a reaction to someone's entry.
omg!!!! how must i really convince u that i really am not that good at all, n the rest of you are really the pro ones?!?!!?! wa everytime i hear u play and i say u good n u say YES LEH!!!!!! wa YES LAH!!!!!! u not zai then i won't even fit under the average column can... yea u ALL can ur own area of specialties but me is just suck EVERYWHERE manZ!!!!!! well i think post is gonna piss somebody off, but it's the truth okay!!!! i may sound jokey, hey but it's what i really consider a fact... after me pushing so hard, yet to find i'm still as bad as i was (or worse) but u people just make it all the time... u know sometimes it's just VERY demoralising to hear u ppl play, cos i really don't feel like playing anymore... it's like mine ain't even near any standard worthy of listening... out of tune everywhere, thin piercing airy crappy tone, messed up technique, insufficient air support... just to name a few... oh manZZZZZZZZ...
and anyway u so broke already still wanna force me eat UR cookie when i din even treat u?!?!?! ok i don't care the next time we're eating together i'll pay manZ!!!!! n lemme c if i still have money to pay for ur and ant's tics... should have... after telling some lies here and there... =p
omg!!!! how must i really convince u that i really am not that good at all, n the rest of you are really the pro ones?!?!!?! wa everytime i hear u play and i say u good n u say YES LEH!!!!!! wa YES LAH!!!!!! u not zai then i won't even fit under the average column can... yea u ALL can ur own area of specialties but me is just suck EVERYWHERE manZ!!!!!! well i think post is gonna piss somebody off, but it's the truth okay!!!! i may sound jokey, hey but it's what i really consider a fact... after me pushing so hard, yet to find i'm still as bad as i was (or worse) but u people just make it all the time... u know sometimes it's just VERY demoralising to hear u ppl play, cos i really don't feel like playing anymore... it's like mine ain't even near any standard worthy of listening... out of tune everywhere, thin piercing airy crappy tone, messed up technique, insufficient air support... just to name a few... oh manZZZZZZZZ...
and anyway u so broke already still wanna force me eat UR cookie when i din even treat u?!?!?! ok i don't care the next time we're eating together i'll pay manZ!!!!! n lemme c if i still have money to pay for ur and ant's tics... should have... after telling some lies here and there... =p
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Wednesday, November 28, 2007
8:55 PM
8:55 PM
ARGGGGG!!!!! mood swings!!!!! i'm feeling really rotten now... just tried to prac flute, which ended up in an ultimate FAILURE!!!! i realised after band prac i've been using too much of my lips... i dunno which part, but it just feels very very tight and tense... zZzZz... tried doing some adjustments and other mini exercises, but all made it even worse... grrrrrrrrr... don't get me wrong, i'm not here again to say how much i suck and bla bla bla, 'cos i guess u're oso sick and tired of listening to it alr (hey but it's an undeniable fact!)... just needa vent my frustrations... but i shall rest and try again tmr... maybe my lips are tired ba...
i just can't stand flute teachers who don't teach carefully how to form your embrochure... exactly how to blow, where to focus, use which muscle... they just don't teach it right from the start... which really gets me irritated... no i'm not blaming my flute tutor or anything... yea she doesn't really do much on embrochure, and even if u ask her, somehow her replies don't help much, which gets u even more hopping mad!!!!!! i guess it's just personal experiences that shape up what they think is the most important to teach to their students... i have no doubt she is really good in teaching phrasing and musical shaping and expression... but sometimes, wait til like almost 5 yrs later and telling me my embrochure is totally wrong, i really cannot take it... all these years JUST FOR NOTHING!!!!!!! n worse, you have to start ALL OVER AGAIN, at a time when u NEED to be somewhat your best and cannot be having crappy tone 'cos u're changing embrochure... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
唉... 只好希望明天会更好吧... poof...
i just can't stand flute teachers who don't teach carefully how to form your embrochure... exactly how to blow, where to focus, use which muscle... they just don't teach it right from the start... which really gets me irritated... no i'm not blaming my flute tutor or anything... yea she doesn't really do much on embrochure, and even if u ask her, somehow her replies don't help much, which gets u even more hopping mad!!!!!! i guess it's just personal experiences that shape up what they think is the most important to teach to their students... i have no doubt she is really good in teaching phrasing and musical shaping and expression... but sometimes, wait til like almost 5 yrs later and telling me my embrochure is totally wrong, i really cannot take it... all these years JUST FOR NOTHING!!!!!!! n worse, you have to start ALL OVER AGAIN, at a time when u NEED to be somewhat your best and cannot be having crappy tone 'cos u're changing embrochure... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
唉... 只好希望明天会更好吧... poof...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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4:57 PM
WA WA WA!!!!! band prac was super fun just now!!!!!!! mass singing =) (yea n i was SO embarrassed after singing so loudly!!!!!!! kept banging my head against the stand!!!!) too bad theresa ain't there!!!!!!!! her FAVOURITE part!!!!!! and yea, lots of choinging running notes and stupid trills/tremelos, which i OBVIOUSLY couldn't make it, UNLIKE SOMEONE!!!!!! and BAD NEWS: AUNT DIDN'T WANT TO TRANSFER OVER TO FENNELL BAND DESPITE HAVING THE CHANCE!!!!!! *sobs sobs* i'll be SO alone!!!!!! haha jkjk... no lah, aunt, although being retard, is a super pro flautist and deserves to be in a GOOD band, so i'll just stick with the company of MORONSAUR!!!!!!! jia you for el camino FAKE!!!!!! hahaha and someone's attempt to make me eat failed =) ok lah, i ain't really hungry, not like i'm emo-ing or something!!!!!!! n IT'S UR COOKIE!!!!!! HOW CAN I TAKE IT WHEN I EVEN PROMISED TO TREAT U ALL?!?!?! (which i HAVEN'T done so!!!!!!) yea and STOP using mr ho to pressurize me, 'cos no matter how it'll b a FUTILE ATTEMPT!!!!!!! => => ===>
oh and mr ho was asking about the OVERSEAS trip!!!!!!! i SO FREAKING want one ok?!?!?!? it's not like anybody and everybody gets a chance to go out with the dearest buddies!!!!! (at least they are, for now... i hope it doesn't change after another year or so, but i guess it's just wishful thinking on my part!!!!!!) oh manZ even if it's m'sia!!!!!!!! GO GO GO!!!!!!!!! n best - if big boss and mama can both come back!!!!!! ooooooooooooo i miss them SO SO much!!!!!! aiya but say so much, at the end of the day, i don't think there'll be one.... :'-( WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haiz... at first wanted to go school and get the score, but after that my dear dan did it for me so i can slack.... WA BUT THAT MEANS I SPOILT THE POSSIBILITY OF H.P. GANG OUTING!!!!!!!!!! wa that's y i'm so sianz at home now, facing my com, TALKING TO U!!!!!! haha but nvm, gang outing with even 1 person won't be the same, so we'll be WAITING!!!!! (u know what i mean!!!!!) but then we'll probably have to wait a VERY VERY long time, 'cos poor retard's gonna work and won't be coming this fri for prac!!!!!! yes working when she's not even completed her STUDIES (well u can tell that from her name - RETARD) n neither does she look like she likes the job... but ALL THE BEST!!!!!! jia you!!!!!! mayb we'll pop by sometime n even get a com (for somebody who desperately needs it?)!!!!!!! yea and wait for moronsaur's order!!!!!!!
well anyway after high-ing so much, i sorta needa cool down and reflect... yea i am always hoping - 明天会更好!!! but tmr nvr seems to come... everyday the tone just gets worse... and worse... and WORSE!!!!!!! wa wa wa i so feel like slapping myself til i get at least SOME tone... and today... TODAY WAS THE THINNEST AND THE MOST PIERCING EVER!!!!!!!! and retard still said i'm GOOD!!!!! WTH?!?!?!?! for someone who could almost sightread el camino SO FREAKING SMOOTHLY!!!!!!!! wa wa wa i ought to face the wall and reflect!!!!!! oh manZ i know i'm making u and u quite pissed but HEY THAT'S THE TRUTH MANZ!!!!!!! yea n u and u better accept it => and speaking of which, someone who loves to face the wall to reflect... YEA UR ALUMNI CONCERT WAS YTD AND U DIN BOTHER TO INVITE US?!?!?!?!?!?! HOW COULD U?!?!?!?! hahaha no lah i'm not angry or agitated as it seems, and neither am i blaming u... but hey, we just wanna be ur sectionmates and support u manZ!!!! yea i knew all along u had alumni concert coming up, but i didn't know exactly when... n u didn't tell us or try inviting us... ARGGGGG!!!!!! unless u don't treat us as part of your sectionmates which i'll be SO sad!!!!!! somehow, i feel the gap is just getting wider... but don't get upset when u c this (or rather, if u EVER c this and know i'm talking about u, YES U!!!!!) we just wanna be that chicky/cheeky section again like last time b4 syf!!!!!! =>
oh my... i just realised i had entered a very evil and lame post!!!!!! happy reading!!!!! and happy WORKING!!!!!! =p
oh and mr ho was asking about the OVERSEAS trip!!!!!!! i SO FREAKING want one ok?!?!?!? it's not like anybody and everybody gets a chance to go out with the dearest buddies!!!!! (at least they are, for now... i hope it doesn't change after another year or so, but i guess it's just wishful thinking on my part!!!!!!) oh manZ even if it's m'sia!!!!!!!! GO GO GO!!!!!!!!! n best - if big boss and mama can both come back!!!!!! ooooooooooooo i miss them SO SO much!!!!!! aiya but say so much, at the end of the day, i don't think there'll be one.... :'-( WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
haiz... at first wanted to go school and get the score, but after that my dear dan did it for me so i can slack.... WA BUT THAT MEANS I SPOILT THE POSSIBILITY OF H.P. GANG OUTING!!!!!!!!!! wa that's y i'm so sianz at home now, facing my com, TALKING TO U!!!!!! haha but nvm, gang outing with even 1 person won't be the same, so we'll be WAITING!!!!! (u know what i mean!!!!!) but then we'll probably have to wait a VERY VERY long time, 'cos poor retard's gonna work and won't be coming this fri for prac!!!!!! yes working when she's not even completed her STUDIES (well u can tell that from her name - RETARD) n neither does she look like she likes the job... but ALL THE BEST!!!!!! jia you!!!!!! mayb we'll pop by sometime n even get a com (for somebody who desperately needs it?)!!!!!!! yea and wait for moronsaur's order!!!!!!!
well anyway after high-ing so much, i sorta needa cool down and reflect... yea i am always hoping - 明天会更好!!! but tmr nvr seems to come... everyday the tone just gets worse... and worse... and WORSE!!!!!!! wa wa wa i so feel like slapping myself til i get at least SOME tone... and today... TODAY WAS THE THINNEST AND THE MOST PIERCING EVER!!!!!!!! and retard still said i'm GOOD!!!!! WTH?!?!?!?! for someone who could almost sightread el camino SO FREAKING SMOOTHLY!!!!!!!! wa wa wa i ought to face the wall and reflect!!!!!! oh manZ i know i'm making u and u quite pissed but HEY THAT'S THE TRUTH MANZ!!!!!!! yea n u and u better accept it => and speaking of which, someone who loves to face the wall to reflect... YEA UR ALUMNI CONCERT WAS YTD AND U DIN BOTHER TO INVITE US?!?!?!?!?!?! HOW COULD U?!?!?!?! hahaha no lah i'm not angry or agitated as it seems, and neither am i blaming u... but hey, we just wanna be ur sectionmates and support u manZ!!!! yea i knew all along u had alumni concert coming up, but i didn't know exactly when... n u didn't tell us or try inviting us... ARGGGGG!!!!!! unless u don't treat us as part of your sectionmates which i'll be SO sad!!!!!! somehow, i feel the gap is just getting wider... but don't get upset when u c this (or rather, if u EVER c this and know i'm talking about u, YES U!!!!!) we just wanna be that chicky/cheeky section again like last time b4 syf!!!!!! =>
oh my... i just realised i had entered a very evil and lame post!!!!!! happy reading!!!!! and happy WORKING!!!!!! =p
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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12:57 AM
RAHHHHHHHH!!!! the more i look at my band fest repertoire and try listening to it, the MORE i REGRET joining band fest!!!!! ok not like i had much of a choice!!!! the prelude, siciliano and rondo by malcom arnold is just FREAKING BORING!!!!!!!! it's just another first suite in Eb, but i think i like the first suite more!!!! only the 3rd movement is slightly nicer for both i guess!!!! but at least Eb suite had a nice flute solo, but malcom doesn't seem to have, and even if he did, i'm 2nd flute, so i won't get to play it!!!! well neither do i really wanna play it and screw up!!!!! :( well at least jap graph(ity) ain't too bad.. haven't heard festival march yet, but the composer is 天野正道, which is like the person who arranged GR selections!!!!! oh oh oh i hope is good!!!! well i guess someone's in a worse situation than me, so i should be glad =>
oh and i seriously wanna take up conducting manZ!!!!!! it's been ages, no, EONS since i EVER conducted!!!!! wa wa wa i SO FREAKING MISS CONDUCTING!!!!! i wanna take lessons under miss tan!!!!!! i really miss her conducting!!!!!! when music was TRULY MUSIC!!!!!! n don't ask me y i don't wanna take flute!!!!!! 'cos i totally SUCK at it manZ!!!!!!!! unlike someone who's always SO FREAKING PRO!!!!!!! ok not someone... some PEOPLE!!!!!! haha which is also the reason i think y someone didn't reply that sms... well no point ignoring, when it's the truth, and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!!!!!! => 您是ZAI的LOR!!!!!!!
anyway have been youtubing for the past hour or so... watched the whole of picture of exhibition at the proms... OMG it's REALLY GOOD!!!!!! i so wanna play nice repertoire!!!!!!! i've been having a serious lack of NICE NICE repertoire to play!!!!! no wonder i suck!!!!! hahaha jkjk... ANDREW, STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR OWN UNDOING!!!!! oh and esa-peskka palonen's (i hope i spelt his name correctly) conducting is seriously out of the world!!!!! no don't get me wrong - i'm not saying it's good, neither did i say i like it!!!!! but well, i guess at this level i ain't at a position to pass judgement on anything!!!!!!! but no doubt, it was a brilliant attempt to bring out whatever aspects the music emphasized, which i believe is ultimately what a conductor SHOULD be doing, to make music, not to tell you this note's out of tune or that note's out of time!!!!!!! yuppp, they ARE part of making music, but some conductors are just too focused on what they so call define as 'aspects of music' that they seem to have forgotten the big picture, MUSIC!!!!! so VERY IRRITATING!!!!!! RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
anyway came across this lame video on what is emo... shall post it up for u guys to enjoy... sorry to those who's com can't listen/watch youtube!!!!!!! =>
oh and i seriously wanna take up conducting manZ!!!!!! it's been ages, no, EONS since i EVER conducted!!!!! wa wa wa i SO FREAKING MISS CONDUCTING!!!!! i wanna take lessons under miss tan!!!!!! i really miss her conducting!!!!!! when music was TRULY MUSIC!!!!!! n don't ask me y i don't wanna take flute!!!!!! 'cos i totally SUCK at it manZ!!!!!!!! unlike someone who's always SO FREAKING PRO!!!!!!! ok not someone... some PEOPLE!!!!!! haha which is also the reason i think y someone didn't reply that sms... well no point ignoring, when it's the truth, and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH!!!!!! => 您是ZAI的LOR!!!!!!!
anyway have been youtubing for the past hour or so... watched the whole of picture of exhibition at the proms... OMG it's REALLY GOOD!!!!!! i so wanna play nice repertoire!!!!!!! i've been having a serious lack of NICE NICE repertoire to play!!!!! no wonder i suck!!!!! hahaha jkjk... ANDREW, STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR OWN UNDOING!!!!! oh and esa-peskka palonen's (i hope i spelt his name correctly) conducting is seriously out of the world!!!!! no don't get me wrong - i'm not saying it's good, neither did i say i like it!!!!! but well, i guess at this level i ain't at a position to pass judgement on anything!!!!!!! but no doubt, it was a brilliant attempt to bring out whatever aspects the music emphasized, which i believe is ultimately what a conductor SHOULD be doing, to make music, not to tell you this note's out of tune or that note's out of time!!!!!!! yuppp, they ARE part of making music, but some conductors are just too focused on what they so call define as 'aspects of music' that they seem to have forgotten the big picture, MUSIC!!!!! so VERY IRRITATING!!!!!! RAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
anyway came across this lame video on what is emo... shall post it up for u guys to enjoy... sorry to those who's com can't listen/watch youtube!!!!!!! =>
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Tuesday, November 27, 2007
1:08 AM
1:08 AM
reflections...
i haven't been able to listen to music so peacefully for a very long time... everytime i listen to music, it's with preconceptions, with analysis, with loads of things to think about... and i've always wanted to listen to music and truly enjoy and absorb the music again... just pure enjoying, being touched and moved by the music... was listening to all the calm songs of serenity... with a little hinge of sadness, of expressiveness, of beauty, of meaning... danny boy, the water is wide, shenandoah, love is a flower, you are its seed etc. yea and some church music too... i miss playing flute at church... i wish i had that tone of somebody so at least i could play much more beautifully... that pleasant and soothing timbre... it's just so hurting when everytime i go there and destroy everything... my tone is ALWAYS disgusting there... i dunno y... til the violinist had to ask my flute tutor to play instead... haiz...
i probably have been too caught up with life, that i haven't got time to really live... so much has happened, and much left unresolved... i always hoped 明天会更好 but tomorrow never seems to lift up my spirits... many setbacks i've faced... so many for the first time in my life... my life has always been smooth sailing... got what i wanted... yea i know it's just insignificant to what some others are facing or what is there to come in the future... i guess i just have to learn to grow up... everytime i tried to vent my frustrations in music, it just doesn't work nowadays, 'cos somehow i already know it's not going to help... i get so frustrated and agitated that my mind is already removed from the music... i think music has become to me a very technical term... that of a subject, that of a achievement, that of a process, that of an application... just not that of the heart of a human... i really hate this, because it's just so not a musician... but in this world, there are just too many things that the heart cannot agree and sadly have to abide by... i guess i'll just have to accept this...
i think i really have to thank who have been really close to me and have been helping me in one way or another... those who really stuck by me... yupp somebody was right... it isn't nice to just explode on someone whom u call a friend and just say sorry later, pretending u're all that pityful and deserve their forgiveness... i think somebody else knew how practical a person i am and how i just cunning make use of people whom i call 'friends' to achieve my own aims... somebody knew that ages ago and wrote a whole blog post on it... then when i told another somebody, that person just didn't believe along i've not changed, it was you who had mistaken who i am... i am not as simple as i seem, and almost every moment those selfish thoughts in me that i try SO hard to suppress manifest into disgustingly evil actions... but back to where i was, to these people who truly cared, sorry for making u worry all this while and treating u like a punching bag to vent my frustrations, and thanks for being with me :)
well i think now i'm getting just slightly better... but it's a good start... at least i didn't explode or sink into depression when i saw the stupid band fest band allocation... firstly, yea, people whom i don't wanna split up with eventually got splited... well should have expected... secondly, it just shows how much somebody thinks about me... or rather how little somebody thinks about me... well i guess this is going to last another half a yr plus and i just have to accept it... and i'll put on a smile with laughters just to show that i'm happy... mayb i'm not, but at least it does help to improve my mood too... and also not make the dearests worry... SMILE =)
and to you who have just taken over my position as emo-kia, cheer up kKz? ok don't get me wrong, i don't intend to force you to eat or forget anything, 'cos i know it's really difficult... neither do i expect u to divulge everything, cos somethings are better kept to yourself... most importantly, i don't expect you to put a smile when u're truly hurting deep down... yea but u've gotta find back yourself YOURSELF! support is here, and all around your circle of friends, but the problem is left for you to solve... maybe you seriously need a good rest, because pondering continuously without sleep ain't gonna help at all, so y don't you just get good regular sleeps? quoting somebody else, 明天会更好!
i probably have been too caught up with life, that i haven't got time to really live... so much has happened, and much left unresolved... i always hoped 明天会更好 but tomorrow never seems to lift up my spirits... many setbacks i've faced... so many for the first time in my life... my life has always been smooth sailing... got what i wanted... yea i know it's just insignificant to what some others are facing or what is there to come in the future... i guess i just have to learn to grow up... everytime i tried to vent my frustrations in music, it just doesn't work nowadays, 'cos somehow i already know it's not going to help... i get so frustrated and agitated that my mind is already removed from the music... i think music has become to me a very technical term... that of a subject, that of a achievement, that of a process, that of an application... just not that of the heart of a human... i really hate this, because it's just so not a musician... but in this world, there are just too many things that the heart cannot agree and sadly have to abide by... i guess i'll just have to accept this...
i think i really have to thank who have been really close to me and have been helping me in one way or another... those who really stuck by me... yupp somebody was right... it isn't nice to just explode on someone whom u call a friend and just say sorry later, pretending u're all that pityful and deserve their forgiveness... i think somebody else knew how practical a person i am and how i just cunning make use of people whom i call 'friends' to achieve my own aims... somebody knew that ages ago and wrote a whole blog post on it... then when i told another somebody, that person just didn't believe along i've not changed, it was you who had mistaken who i am... i am not as simple as i seem, and almost every moment those selfish thoughts in me that i try SO hard to suppress manifest into disgustingly evil actions... but back to where i was, to these people who truly cared, sorry for making u worry all this while and treating u like a punching bag to vent my frustrations, and thanks for being with me :)
well i think now i'm getting just slightly better... but it's a good start... at least i didn't explode or sink into depression when i saw the stupid band fest band allocation... firstly, yea, people whom i don't wanna split up with eventually got splited... well should have expected... secondly, it just shows how much somebody thinks about me... or rather how little somebody thinks about me... well i guess this is going to last another half a yr plus and i just have to accept it... and i'll put on a smile with laughters just to show that i'm happy... mayb i'm not, but at least it does help to improve my mood too... and also not make the dearests worry... SMILE =)
and to you who have just taken over my position as emo-kia, cheer up kKz? ok don't get me wrong, i don't intend to force you to eat or forget anything, 'cos i know it's really difficult... neither do i expect u to divulge everything, cos somethings are better kept to yourself... most importantly, i don't expect you to put a smile when u're truly hurting deep down... yea but u've gotta find back yourself YOURSELF! support is here, and all around your circle of friends, but the problem is left for you to solve... maybe you seriously need a good rest, because pondering continuously without sleep ain't gonna help at all, so y don't you just get good regular sleeps? quoting somebody else, 明天会更好!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Monday, November 26, 2007
2:28 PM
2:28 PM
RAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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1:57 AM
What is Death - Stabat
yea i guess most of you would have heard by now... njc newly joined PE teacher Mr Stephen Loh drowned in the Dragon Boating competition... i don't know him well, but i ever worked with him once before, briefly for Colours Award Dinner... he's a very nice guy, probably the best guy u can find in the nj PE department... everybody's blogging about him and i guess i won't repeat all the "sorries, i didn't really ____"... what's the point of saying sorry now when u/i could have done so earlier? it's just makes me more disgusted at myself, my attitude and behaviour towards life, especially after the recent spate of arguements over msn... how i really truly am evil and black hearted deep down inside and how i just do things without consideration and then expect people to clean up the mess behind me...
well, his death means he won't be around anymore... but more importantly, his spirit and zest for teaching (as i have heard) will not be around anymore... but it makes me wonder? is it really that bad a thing?
was listening to stabat mater dolorosa, and it gave me mayb a clearer picture of what death really means... ok it's tilted slightly to the christian side, so if u feel uncomfortable of the topic of religion than just ignore this post... stabat mater dolorosa is the title of the ancient catholic hymm describing the pain and agony of Mary as Jesus was crucified on the cross (which explains y it's just so heart wrenching)... it was later used by many composers as a title for their composition of similar meaning... i'm listening to a band one, n i dunno who's the composer, though i suspect he is satoshi yagisawa (yes him again!!!! he composes the best music in the world - macchu picchu, cavetowns, hymn to the infinite sky etc.)... it starts with an ominous slow beginning, with all the dark timbres and inner compulsions of the heart... expressive melodies which later defines the melodic material for the rest of the composition... it then later moves on to an explosive section, fast tempo, blasty, highly repetitive... the final slow section, the longest of all, is the most heart wrenching, finally ending in a grand bright conclusive ending...
well the sad part of death is covered all over... minor, ominous timbres, eupho everwhere, sonorous horns, wide dynamic movement... but the thing that gave me a different perspective was the ending... the bright, majorish, grand, hopeful ending, with the punctuative crash cymbals, the penetrating suspended cymbals, the noble majestic timpani, the shrilling trills, the sonorous horns... the colour and image derived is just plain white to me... but ain't just normal white, but the VERY BRIGHT WHITE!!!!! comfortable, hopeful, NOT blinding!!!!! in the christian context, yes Jesus ultimately ascended to heaven... it's hopeful 'cos he died for ALL OUR SINS, and we know he would come back again to fetch us home and to end this sinful world...
i know it's cliche, but every ending marks a new beginning... if Mr Loh can throw away all the sufferings and harsh realities of this world and move on, and his dreadful life as a PE teacher (not exactly everybody in Singapore is enthu about PE!!!!), then we shouldn't be sad at all... yes we'll miss him, and his unique character, and his passion, but i guess we (especially me) must know when to let go... moreover, i guess he died probably in the midst of one of his passions n not many can... his death seems more to me a liberation and conclusion rather than that of a lost and regret!!!! we won't know what happens in the future but (touchwood) who know's it might have been a painful toturing death thanks to health problems for him if he had lived on? i know many would rather he live and PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG!!!!!!! I'M NOT HAPPY THAT HE DROWNED!!!!!!! WHO IS?!?!?!?! but well i guess i have to accept it... it's not like i'm particularly attached to him, so the hit on me isn't that bad... or rather, is VERY minimal... (yea i know i'm very mean and evil here)
i hope i have not offended anybody in this post... forgive me if i do, cos my thoughts just run wild, esp when i'm bloggin at like 2am and am half dead alr... i pray that Mr Loh was a christian and that he'll will eventually go where we all would love to go... and i pray for the rest of his family members, friends and students to take it easy and accept it... but i guess if i'm one of them, i wouldn't be able to stay unaffected at all... i'll just pray time washes the hurt away... and eventually we'll c the hope for him and all of us - Stabat Mater Dolorosa!
well, his death means he won't be around anymore... but more importantly, his spirit and zest for teaching (as i have heard) will not be around anymore... but it makes me wonder? is it really that bad a thing?
was listening to stabat mater dolorosa, and it gave me mayb a clearer picture of what death really means... ok it's tilted slightly to the christian side, so if u feel uncomfortable of the topic of religion than just ignore this post... stabat mater dolorosa is the title of the ancient catholic hymm describing the pain and agony of Mary as Jesus was crucified on the cross (which explains y it's just so heart wrenching)... it was later used by many composers as a title for their composition of similar meaning... i'm listening to a band one, n i dunno who's the composer, though i suspect he is satoshi yagisawa (yes him again!!!! he composes the best music in the world - macchu picchu, cavetowns, hymn to the infinite sky etc.)... it starts with an ominous slow beginning, with all the dark timbres and inner compulsions of the heart... expressive melodies which later defines the melodic material for the rest of the composition... it then later moves on to an explosive section, fast tempo, blasty, highly repetitive... the final slow section, the longest of all, is the most heart wrenching, finally ending in a grand bright conclusive ending...
well the sad part of death is covered all over... minor, ominous timbres, eupho everwhere, sonorous horns, wide dynamic movement... but the thing that gave me a different perspective was the ending... the bright, majorish, grand, hopeful ending, with the punctuative crash cymbals, the penetrating suspended cymbals, the noble majestic timpani, the shrilling trills, the sonorous horns... the colour and image derived is just plain white to me... but ain't just normal white, but the VERY BRIGHT WHITE!!!!! comfortable, hopeful, NOT blinding!!!!! in the christian context, yes Jesus ultimately ascended to heaven... it's hopeful 'cos he died for ALL OUR SINS, and we know he would come back again to fetch us home and to end this sinful world...
i know it's cliche, but every ending marks a new beginning... if Mr Loh can throw away all the sufferings and harsh realities of this world and move on, and his dreadful life as a PE teacher (not exactly everybody in Singapore is enthu about PE!!!!), then we shouldn't be sad at all... yes we'll miss him, and his unique character, and his passion, but i guess we (especially me) must know when to let go... moreover, i guess he died probably in the midst of one of his passions n not many can... his death seems more to me a liberation and conclusion rather than that of a lost and regret!!!! we won't know what happens in the future but (touchwood) who know's it might have been a painful toturing death thanks to health problems for him if he had lived on? i know many would rather he live and PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG!!!!!!! I'M NOT HAPPY THAT HE DROWNED!!!!!!! WHO IS?!?!?!?! but well i guess i have to accept it... it's not like i'm particularly attached to him, so the hit on me isn't that bad... or rather, is VERY minimal... (yea i know i'm very mean and evil here)
i hope i have not offended anybody in this post... forgive me if i do, cos my thoughts just run wild, esp when i'm bloggin at like 2am and am half dead alr... i pray that Mr Loh was a christian and that he'll will eventually go where we all would love to go... and i pray for the rest of his family members, friends and students to take it easy and accept it... but i guess if i'm one of them, i wouldn't be able to stay unaffected at all... i'll just pray time washes the hurt away... and eventually we'll c the hope for him and all of us - Stabat Mater Dolorosa!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, November 25, 2007
2:17 AM
2:17 AM
tears...
just saw something which doesn't concern me... but it affected me SO much... yes to tears... i dunno... i just can't imagine what's gonna happen in time to come... in the near future... it was a pleasant surprise for them and i'm glad it was! but no matter how pleasant, there won't always be surprises... or rather some things are just meant to be that way... mayb so u can appreciate it better... they had their time well and are still going on...
tears are amazing things... they encompass all emotions in life... the most common sadness, tears of joy, tears when moved, tears of laughter, tears of regret, tears of pain, tears of tiredness... i dun exactly know why my eyes were watery for, especially it doesn't even concern me... but i guess at least all the above tears were already shed by those involved...
i was stupid... stupid enough to actually think of that... y am i thinking that way? somethings are just meant to be and u just can't change it!!!!! y don't u just appreciate and enjoy it WHILE U CAN? otherwise what? wait til it's missing and regret again? and then continue spoiling another part of your life?!?!?!?! there's much more disappointments in this life for me to face, but this can only be so when there are expectations, which arises from possibilities, possibilities realised from EXPERIENCE!!!!! ur negative world view just doesn't get u anywhere though some part of it may be true... so y not enjoy EVERYTHING while u can? u are just such an idiot! :'-)
tears are amazing things... they encompass all emotions in life... the most common sadness, tears of joy, tears when moved, tears of laughter, tears of regret, tears of pain, tears of tiredness... i dun exactly know why my eyes were watery for, especially it doesn't even concern me... but i guess at least all the above tears were already shed by those involved...
i was stupid... stupid enough to actually think of that... y am i thinking that way? somethings are just meant to be and u just can't change it!!!!! y don't u just appreciate and enjoy it WHILE U CAN? otherwise what? wait til it's missing and regret again? and then continue spoiling another part of your life?!?!?!?! there's much more disappointments in this life for me to face, but this can only be so when there are expectations, which arises from possibilities, possibilities realised from EXPERIENCE!!!!! ur negative world view just doesn't get u anywhere though some part of it may be true... so y not enjoy EVERYTHING while u can? u are just such an idiot! :'-)
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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12:07 AM
ESCAPADE!!!!
yea today was a totally AWESOME day!!!! finally did something out of my usual boring crappy depressing routine!!!!! 大老板 invited us (the chicky section) to her house today to have fun!!!! and it just rocking FUN!!!!
woke up as if i nvr slept at all... 'cos was busy smsing with aunt/crapping with spastic til like 3am... den finally bothered to slp!!!! wa then had to wake up early in the morn like at 8 just to go to saw's house!!!! lazily dragged myself out of bed and ate my breakie in front of the tv... den finally washed up and took bus to saw's house...
as usual everybody (that many?) was late... so i sat at the kap bus stop like an idiot, then blast all the explosive band pieces, like feste romane and in the spring (thrice)!!!! oh my til i saw some person with that black suit and black helmet approaching in sight!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA wa i think i really very evil!!!! u know who u are!!!! =)
then bought chicken and took some random bus i wasn't even sure of then went to saw's house!!!! almost got lost manZ!!!!! haha idiot always is an idiot!!!! oh then that's where the fun starts!!!! cards cards cards!!!! xy joined us soon after, ant pangseh us!!!! so finally played bridge til xy had to go then we ate CHICKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!! aiya mama didn't come!!!! i think i was really overboard and rude and crappy that day!!!! sorry mama!!!! i hope u're not angry with me, although u claim u're not!!!! was arguing AGAIN y i am really so sucky with someone!!!!! hey hey HEY how must i convince u that i really suck and u all are really so much better!?!?!?! for all the hard work i put in, i'm still like so far off in everything!!!!!! no point ignoring ok? 'cos it's the truth!!!!!!! i really so envy why u all can just play so well!!!!!!!!!! i'm just so pale in comparison!!!!! YES I AM THAT COMPETITIVE WITH THAT DISGUSTING CHARACTER!!!! so well, u noe how bad and evil a person i am now!!!!!!!
after chicken was TABLE SOCCER!!!!! ooooooo that one's really cool, cos we totally went crazy!!!! was like shouting and screaming randomly everytime the ball was so near the goal post!!!!! wa was so FREAKING LOUD that i think i was very inconsiderate to the rest of the household lah!!!!! i totally forgot i was in someone else's house and had to control my loud crazy tendencies!!!!! wa wa wa feel so embarrassed now!!!!! but anyway it was really freaking fun!!!! u could just imagine 2 total noobs trying to spin the players like crazy when the ball can't even be touched by either!!!!! at first i was owning retard!!!! but dunno why after that went downhill!!!! i got quite irritated ok!?!?!?! YEA I TOLD U I'M SO FREAKING BAD ATTITUDE AND COMPETITIVE IN EVERYTHING!!!!! can't accept failure, can't accept defeat, can't accept being a loser!!!!!! haiZ even in such small things!!!!!! i'm seriously the ultimate failure!!!!!!
anyway benjamin and saw's sis joined us later and we were like busy playing with their hamsters!!!!!! so freaking cute!!!!!!! yea n evil boss let them fight!!!!! fight til can't even separate!!!!! then benjamin was like hiding the hamster in his pocket!!!!!!! hahaha n they shit so very often can!!!!!! wa so disgusting!!!!!!!
and so finally left her house!!!!!!!! retard had to rush like mad for alumni prac!!!!!! haiz haiz haiz!!!!! sorry i din pay for the chicken, then mayb u''ll have enough money to at least take a cad so will b faster and don't have to just go for useless 1 hr prac!!!!! SORRIES!!!!!!
wa so freaking tired now... been slping very late and waking up super early for the past 2 days!!!!! but i think still not as hoing as the s22 chalet ppl ba!!!!!!!! ok shall stop here!!!!! wanna go slp soon!!!!!! wish saws leg heals SOON!!!!! wish jh's emoness leaves him soon!!!!!! n wish aunt stays happy, wah is like u're helping 1 emo victim after another emo victim!!!!! i realised i was such an asshole!!!! ok not that i am not now!!!!!! oh well i shall try to stay happy too!!!!!! =>
woke up as if i nvr slept at all... 'cos was busy smsing with aunt/crapping with spastic til like 3am... den finally bothered to slp!!!! wa then had to wake up early in the morn like at 8 just to go to saw's house!!!! lazily dragged myself out of bed and ate my breakie in front of the tv... den finally washed up and took bus to saw's house...
as usual everybody (that many?) was late... so i sat at the kap bus stop like an idiot, then blast all the explosive band pieces, like feste romane and in the spring (thrice)!!!! oh my til i saw some person with that black suit and black helmet approaching in sight!!!! WAHAHAHAHAHAHA wa i think i really very evil!!!! u know who u are!!!! =)
then bought chicken and took some random bus i wasn't even sure of then went to saw's house!!!! almost got lost manZ!!!!! haha idiot always is an idiot!!!! oh then that's where the fun starts!!!! cards cards cards!!!! xy joined us soon after, ant pangseh us!!!! so finally played bridge til xy had to go then we ate CHICKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!!!! aiya mama didn't come!!!! i think i was really overboard and rude and crappy that day!!!! sorry mama!!!! i hope u're not angry with me, although u claim u're not!!!! was arguing AGAIN y i am really so sucky with someone!!!!! hey hey HEY how must i convince u that i really suck and u all are really so much better!?!?!?! for all the hard work i put in, i'm still like so far off in everything!!!!!! no point ignoring ok? 'cos it's the truth!!!!!!! i really so envy why u all can just play so well!!!!!!!!!! i'm just so pale in comparison!!!!! YES I AM THAT COMPETITIVE WITH THAT DISGUSTING CHARACTER!!!! so well, u noe how bad and evil a person i am now!!!!!!!
after chicken was TABLE SOCCER!!!!! ooooooo that one's really cool, cos we totally went crazy!!!! was like shouting and screaming randomly everytime the ball was so near the goal post!!!!! wa was so FREAKING LOUD that i think i was very inconsiderate to the rest of the household lah!!!!! i totally forgot i was in someone else's house and had to control my loud crazy tendencies!!!!! wa wa wa feel so embarrassed now!!!!! but anyway it was really freaking fun!!!! u could just imagine 2 total noobs trying to spin the players like crazy when the ball can't even be touched by either!!!!! at first i was owning retard!!!! but dunno why after that went downhill!!!! i got quite irritated ok!?!?!?! YEA I TOLD U I'M SO FREAKING BAD ATTITUDE AND COMPETITIVE IN EVERYTHING!!!!! can't accept failure, can't accept defeat, can't accept being a loser!!!!!! haiZ even in such small things!!!!!! i'm seriously the ultimate failure!!!!!!
anyway benjamin and saw's sis joined us later and we were like busy playing with their hamsters!!!!!! so freaking cute!!!!!!! yea n evil boss let them fight!!!!! fight til can't even separate!!!!! then benjamin was like hiding the hamster in his pocket!!!!!!! hahaha n they shit so very often can!!!!!! wa so disgusting!!!!!!!
and so finally left her house!!!!!!!! retard had to rush like mad for alumni prac!!!!!! haiz haiz haiz!!!!! sorry i din pay for the chicken, then mayb u''ll have enough money to at least take a cad so will b faster and don't have to just go for useless 1 hr prac!!!!! SORRIES!!!!!!
wa so freaking tired now... been slping very late and waking up super early for the past 2 days!!!!! but i think still not as hoing as the s22 chalet ppl ba!!!!!!!! ok shall stop here!!!!! wanna go slp soon!!!!!! wish saws leg heals SOON!!!!! wish jh's emoness leaves him soon!!!!!! n wish aunt stays happy, wah is like u're helping 1 emo victim after another emo victim!!!!! i realised i was such an asshole!!!! ok not that i am not now!!!!!! oh well i shall try to stay happy too!!!!!! =>
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Friday, November 23, 2007
2:05 AM
2:05 AM
F***
you just wanted to share your problems and get a solution or suggestion... you just wanted to get somebody to listen to u... u shouldn't be expecting too much... WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!?!?!?!?! u really dun deserve to exist, because ur existence only serves to hurt ppl very deeply... for ALL that they have done for u, for ALL the time and money and saliva and worrys for u, u always ultimately disappoint them... 1 was not enuf, now u had to drag down ANOTHER one... ANDREW NG JIE HUA!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO AND DIE!!!!!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Thursday, November 22, 2007
12:41 PM
12:41 PM
RANDOM
first... "drum roll"..............
CONGRATS to SAW and GUO for having passed through and completed the entire ordeal without dying!!!! it must have been super tough on you so NOW it's time to PARTAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
i realised yesterday was the night when i broke my tendencies of late night msn-ing/blogging/gaming/etc. y? 'cos my bro was hogging the com for the entire time... n i was freaking tired 'cos of band ytd morn (yes i finally woke up in the morning instead of the afternoon)... the past few days had been still 3 meals a day: lunch, dinner, supper!!!! i bet my parents are wondering y they hear the microwave oven go "ting!" at 2am at night!!!! mayb they still think their drifting off in lala land!!!!
anyway ytd was a great day!!!! (i have to say that lest somebody bashes me up!) started with breakie witht the h.k. gang (stands for hanky panky!!!!)... but without carmen 'cos she's having lectures with some AP at NUS (NOT attitude problem u i*__*, it's associate professors!!!!) jh ate 2 burgers and 2 harshbrowns for breakie, which was like 2 burgers more than me!!!! evil aunt forced me to eat egg!!!! ARGGGGGGGG!!!! the first attempt was successful but the 2nd was disastrous!!!! i'm sorry, i tried manZ, but my natural reactions just act up!!!!
after that was band practice!!!! half the prac was spent on laughing, 'cos the new pieces were just too crazy, and half the time the chicky section were beats apart or playing the wrong things!!!! oh my, how are we gonna carry on til etude manZ?!?!?! there's even singing (AGAIN) in one of the pieces!!!! and lunch time was spent seeing the wacko theresa trying to sing to the best of her abilities!!!! well i said TO THE BEST OF HER ABILITIES, so u can imagine how was it like then =)
n the best part for many was that, band prac ended VERY early, like WAY b4 2pm, so most were very happy!!!! (i said MOST) the remaining time was spent with the crazy gang of rv ppl (retard and her 2 sons) with 2 extras named moronsaur and idiot (yes that's me)!!!! at first wanted to choing twinkle little star variations but ek was singing so TERRIBLY that we just couldn't stop laughing and ended up not playing a single thing at all!!!! den listened to sparks (rv and yuhua alumni band) in the spring recording and then our syf internal combustion!!!! i seriously wished i had an alumni band which was as good as them!!!! but first, i'm not even anywhere near a good player, so i can just forget about unrealistic dreams!!!! and to whoever who keeps saying i'm good and (s)he's not good, there's no point arguing 'cos it's quite clear cut who is and who is not!!!! even mr ho also said it during prac already!!!! and NO it's just not only that, it's just very obvious that you are much better than me and i'm in a very bad shape... i really should transfer to perc!!!! ok that's assuming that i can even do well there!!!! (assume = make an ASS of U and ME!!!!) so STOP trying to comfort me and say i'm good or anything 'cos i'm NOT!!!! n stop being so ill-confident of urself 'cos u R GOOD!!!! DARE TO SHOW OFF WHAT U HAVE!!!! STOP HIDING!!!!
after quite a while, went off with retard and moronsaur to west mall to have dinner... and on the way saw called us!!!!! YEA!!!!!!! so happy to hear her voice AGAIN!!!! oh oh oh (imitating somebody) and she invited us to mass carding session at her house this sat!!!! YIPEEE!!!! can see everybody again!!!!
anyway selecting a place for dinner is really a difficult decision!!!! first, lack of financial resources form the main limitation of our choices! 2nd, there's no spas to greatly limit down our choices!!!! so we were just stoning there and discussing where to go for lunch for a freaking long time!!!! finally decided on bk!!!! that's when everybody suddenly turned so mysterious, as if they were scheming on something of sorts!!!! i kept checking my wallet to c whether they had shuffed anything into my wallet on the sly!!!! n after eating so long i realised that the delicious looking fish-sticks thingy was actually cheese!!!! oh manZ thank God there was jh to eat it up for me!!!!
so sat and ate for a quite long time til like 6 then left for chssb bbq!!!! been ages since i've ever stepped into the school... saw many old faces - mark lee, wilson, feiyang, cheun chin etc.!!!! oh n i finally got to see leonard tan after hearing so much about him!!!! oh manZ he rocks to the core!!!! he's really good!!!! n i dunno what edwin heng had been gossiping about me that he wanted to talk to me!!!!! haha actually just asking be 'bout njcsb, our tunein, about this and that!!!! hmmm... i dunno whether i had revealed too much but i can't be bothered now!!!! he's really good!!!!! they had band prac 8-10 and trust me, they were OMG good!!!! leonard tan was good, with his cheerfulness and cold jokes, and the band was really rich and very good, considering they're venturing into a non-syf year!!!! don't be mistaken, i never said replacing miss tan was the right thing to do!!!! but anyway, he's my third conducting idol now - first is leonard bernstein (does it have something to do with the name?), 2nd is miss tan!!!!!!
anyway left at like 10, climbing out over the wall 'cos the stupid gate was locked!!!! well, if u're a cat high boy, u'll be used to it by now!!!! reached home very tired and just bathed, listened to a few pieces and conked out!!!! u really can imagine how tired i was!!!! well this entire post isn't really random, 'cos it's actually just what happened yesterday!!!!
everyday i'm feeling more and more uneasy and upset... whatever i c gets on my nerves even more... ok u may call me a petty jealous jerk, 'cos i am one, but i don't really care... my heart ain't giving way, though i know it's nvr possible... now i'm even beginning to suspect something... let go andrew, LET IT GO!!!!
CONGRATS to SAW and GUO for having passed through and completed the entire ordeal without dying!!!! it must have been super tough on you so NOW it's time to PARTAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
i realised yesterday was the night when i broke my tendencies of late night msn-ing/blogging/gaming/etc. y? 'cos my bro was hogging the com for the entire time... n i was freaking tired 'cos of band ytd morn (yes i finally woke up in the morning instead of the afternoon)... the past few days had been still 3 meals a day: lunch, dinner, supper!!!! i bet my parents are wondering y they hear the microwave oven go "ting!" at 2am at night!!!! mayb they still think their drifting off in lala land!!!!
anyway ytd was a great day!!!! (i have to say that lest somebody bashes me up!) started with breakie witht the h.k. gang (stands for hanky panky!!!!)... but without carmen 'cos she's having lectures with some AP at NUS (NOT attitude problem u i*__*, it's associate professors!!!!) jh ate 2 burgers and 2 harshbrowns for breakie, which was like 2 burgers more than me!!!! evil aunt forced me to eat egg!!!! ARGGGGGGGG!!!! the first attempt was successful but the 2nd was disastrous!!!! i'm sorry, i tried manZ, but my natural reactions just act up!!!!
after that was band practice!!!! half the prac was spent on laughing, 'cos the new pieces were just too crazy, and half the time the chicky section were beats apart or playing the wrong things!!!! oh my, how are we gonna carry on til etude manZ?!?!?! there's even singing (AGAIN) in one of the pieces!!!! and lunch time was spent seeing the wacko theresa trying to sing to the best of her abilities!!!! well i said TO THE BEST OF HER ABILITIES, so u can imagine how was it like then =)
n the best part for many was that, band prac ended VERY early, like WAY b4 2pm, so most were very happy!!!! (i said MOST) the remaining time was spent with the crazy gang of rv ppl (retard and her 2 sons) with 2 extras named moronsaur and idiot (yes that's me)!!!! at first wanted to choing twinkle little star variations but ek was singing so TERRIBLY that we just couldn't stop laughing and ended up not playing a single thing at all!!!! den listened to sparks (rv and yuhua alumni band) in the spring recording and then our syf internal combustion!!!! i seriously wished i had an alumni band which was as good as them!!!! but first, i'm not even anywhere near a good player, so i can just forget about unrealistic dreams!!!! and to whoever who keeps saying i'm good and (s)he's not good, there's no point arguing 'cos it's quite clear cut who is and who is not!!!! even mr ho also said it during prac already!!!! and NO it's just not only that, it's just very obvious that you are much better than me and i'm in a very bad shape... i really should transfer to perc!!!! ok that's assuming that i can even do well there!!!! (assume = make an ASS of U and ME!!!!) so STOP trying to comfort me and say i'm good or anything 'cos i'm NOT!!!! n stop being so ill-confident of urself 'cos u R GOOD!!!! DARE TO SHOW OFF WHAT U HAVE!!!! STOP HIDING!!!!
after quite a while, went off with retard and moronsaur to west mall to have dinner... and on the way saw called us!!!!! YEA!!!!!!! so happy to hear her voice AGAIN!!!! oh oh oh (imitating somebody) and she invited us to mass carding session at her house this sat!!!! YIPEEE!!!! can see everybody again!!!!
anyway selecting a place for dinner is really a difficult decision!!!! first, lack of financial resources form the main limitation of our choices! 2nd, there's no spas to greatly limit down our choices!!!! so we were just stoning there and discussing where to go for lunch for a freaking long time!!!! finally decided on bk!!!! that's when everybody suddenly turned so mysterious, as if they were scheming on something of sorts!!!! i kept checking my wallet to c whether they had shuffed anything into my wallet on the sly!!!! n after eating so long i realised that the delicious looking fish-sticks thingy was actually cheese!!!! oh manZ thank God there was jh to eat it up for me!!!!
so sat and ate for a quite long time til like 6 then left for chssb bbq!!!! been ages since i've ever stepped into the school... saw many old faces - mark lee, wilson, feiyang, cheun chin etc.!!!! oh n i finally got to see leonard tan after hearing so much about him!!!! oh manZ he rocks to the core!!!! he's really good!!!! n i dunno what edwin heng had been gossiping about me that he wanted to talk to me!!!!! haha actually just asking be 'bout njcsb, our tunein, about this and that!!!! hmmm... i dunno whether i had revealed too much but i can't be bothered now!!!! he's really good!!!!! they had band prac 8-10 and trust me, they were OMG good!!!! leonard tan was good, with his cheerfulness and cold jokes, and the band was really rich and very good, considering they're venturing into a non-syf year!!!! don't be mistaken, i never said replacing miss tan was the right thing to do!!!! but anyway, he's my third conducting idol now - first is leonard bernstein (does it have something to do with the name?), 2nd is miss tan!!!!!!
anyway left at like 10, climbing out over the wall 'cos the stupid gate was locked!!!! well, if u're a cat high boy, u'll be used to it by now!!!! reached home very tired and just bathed, listened to a few pieces and conked out!!!! u really can imagine how tired i was!!!! well this entire post isn't really random, 'cos it's actually just what happened yesterday!!!!
everyday i'm feeling more and more uneasy and upset... whatever i c gets on my nerves even more... ok u may call me a petty jealous jerk, 'cos i am one, but i don't really care... my heart ain't giving way, though i know it's nvr possible... now i'm even beginning to suspect something... let go andrew, LET IT GO!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Tuesday, November 20, 2007
12:34 AM
12:34 AM
MOVE ON!!!!
was clearing rubbish smses to clear my full inbox so that i can make space for nicer smses => chanced upon many old smses... i realised i used to be able to lead... i won't say with much success, but definitely not like what i am now... i read smses congratulating on how aesthetique 2006 was a success... i read smses from miss tan saying that she was proud of me as her student... i read smses thanking me for my dedication to help the cat high primary band... then the smses changed topic... it moved on to syf this yr... i read smses on how we missed syf... how we just worked so b***dy hard for syf and yet enjoy the whole process... how we used to choing 272 after every single prac without fail... no complains... n how we felt so empty when everything was finally over...
i was thinking... y could i just push all the way then and yet be held back so much now? what is the difference between then and now that is stopping me from giving my all to this band and yet still maintain that craziness and smile? when it came to etude, somehow that smile disappeared... that enthusiasm somehow died down... what was it that caused such a great change, in my attitude, in my determination, in my perseverance?
i couldn't come up with an answer... there was nothing different... all were band events, all part of my passion... the only possible thing different could only be my heart... being a extremely heart-over-head person, i only do things when i want to... forcing me to do things really never work... even if my o's prac were 3 days away i still haven't got a pianist... even if i had to hand up va tmr, i still didn't bother... yet i could be practising flute the day b4 my exams... yet i could be working late night doing proposals on how to improve the band musical standard with clear knowledge that it would neither be read nor implemented...
alot has happened since i stepped down from concertmaster of chssb since april last yr... time flies, and it's already 1.5yr later... yet i think i'm still left there... i screwed up my o's practical pretty badly... yes the grade ultimately for my music was a1, but it really doesn't mean anything... 'cos i knew i did really not up to my usual standard those 2 days... the flute one was really bad, the electone one was just not there... it made me realise how bad a musician i was, and it hit be really hard, 'cos at that time i was still keen on music as a career... but with the looks of it, i could nvr have one... after that i seldom picked up the baton in front of a band anymore and usually rejected such request... i backed out from alumni band, probably because i felt i would just end up disappointing everybody, and ultimately, myself... i gave the excuse that i was busy preparing for the strings concert but i was just deceiving myself, 'cos i knew my heart could take me much further than i could ever imagine...
the 2nd worse hit was chssb syf 2007 - silver... all that i have believed in, all that i learnt, all that i knew, was just denied at the moment they said "band no.25, catholic high school - silver" i sat there and listened to them, and felt there was NO WAY they could have gotten silver, not at all... this band was the extended result of what i had done in my capacity since last yr... i defied all that defined typical music... intonation was the least of my concern, blending was done occasionally, sanity was never present... all i cared was tone, projection, extremity and exaggeration of musical expression, all that music really meant to me... and i guessed my moves subconsciously encouraged miss tan and mr heng to carry on with this definition of music... so at the syf hall, all that was heard was blasting, was extremity, not holding back at all... playing music for the sake of music... percussion players dancing like evil wizards and witches for incantation and dance (i'm not lying - they really did dance)... trombones and tubas blasting for the gruff like evil rituals of the witches... n i thought it was good... til the results came and slapped me right in my face...
i argued about the results with my friend, and it was quite a heated argument, 'cos i didn't talk to him for ages after that, only until recently... i couldn't take the fact that all that i've believed in since the beginning of my musical life, was all just denied overnight, by just a single result... after that, i dunno what music really meant, neither do i have the confidence to take over another band just like that... i really dun want to screw up another band... i don't dare do anything drastic, because i'm afraid what happened to chssb would also happen to njcsb... i always thought i was right, even when i graduated from cat high.. til now, i'm just lost...
but after much thinking, i realised i would nvr improve or learn from my mistake if i just stay where i was since aesthetique 2006, 1.5 yrs ago... yes i did make a folly there, which had such a great impact on many... i think the worse situation is that leaders think they're right and superficial results show them so, til they leave the organisation and everything just starts to crumble into shambles... it does not affect the leader at all, but it has killed the many generations to come... so now, i guess my heart is pulling me back in everything i do... pouring negative light on every action i take... on every aspect of my life... such that it has even adversely affected my dearest friends as well... i think it's time to really move on... no point wallowing in despair, blaming myself over what has happened... no point pin pointing out my mistakes and not doing anything about it... it's really time i should MOVE ON!!!! mistakes are meant to be made, then only does one learn... lessons are only learned through experience, whether it is others or your own... it's time i really take out this first step, n c what the world has in store for me... and whatever challenges i face, i should take it positively and head-on, 'cos only then would i be facing it instead of running away from it... only then can i really help my friends, by releasing that burden of worry on them... n what's more, i have a bunch of very supportive friends and chicky mates whom i can turn to anytime for support!!!! all along i wanted very much to be their support, but they ended up being mine... it's time i did something for them... WAKE UP ANDREW!!!! IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING, AND THERE'S MUCH MORE TO BE EXPLORED!!!! STOP WALLOWING IN SELF PITY AND MOVE ON!!!! MOVE ON!!!!
yes and you too... u have been my main supporting pillar for a very long time already... i always wished this bond would developed into something deeper, something closer to the heart... although i know very well it could be entirely impossible... i told myself to pluck myself out of this vicious circle, but every attempt makes me sink even deeper... if i ever revealed it to u, everything wouldn't be the same anymore, and would even end up worse... i dunno whether to move on or to hold back on this, and i'm trying my best to let my mind rule my heart for once... it's not gonna be easy, n if u wish that we remain what we are now, please understand me and give me sometime... everyday is like a timebomb and the secret gets closer and closer to exposure... i'm trying hard to keep it and at the same time correct my emotions... please bear with me...
but even after posting this, i find it really difficult to move on... help me pls...
i was thinking... y could i just push all the way then and yet be held back so much now? what is the difference between then and now that is stopping me from giving my all to this band and yet still maintain that craziness and smile? when it came to etude, somehow that smile disappeared... that enthusiasm somehow died down... what was it that caused such a great change, in my attitude, in my determination, in my perseverance?
i couldn't come up with an answer... there was nothing different... all were band events, all part of my passion... the only possible thing different could only be my heart... being a extremely heart-over-head person, i only do things when i want to... forcing me to do things really never work... even if my o's prac were 3 days away i still haven't got a pianist... even if i had to hand up va tmr, i still didn't bother... yet i could be practising flute the day b4 my exams... yet i could be working late night doing proposals on how to improve the band musical standard with clear knowledge that it would neither be read nor implemented...
alot has happened since i stepped down from concertmaster of chssb since april last yr... time flies, and it's already 1.5yr later... yet i think i'm still left there... i screwed up my o's practical pretty badly... yes the grade ultimately for my music was a1, but it really doesn't mean anything... 'cos i knew i did really not up to my usual standard those 2 days... the flute one was really bad, the electone one was just not there... it made me realise how bad a musician i was, and it hit be really hard, 'cos at that time i was still keen on music as a career... but with the looks of it, i could nvr have one... after that i seldom picked up the baton in front of a band anymore and usually rejected such request... i backed out from alumni band, probably because i felt i would just end up disappointing everybody, and ultimately, myself... i gave the excuse that i was busy preparing for the strings concert but i was just deceiving myself, 'cos i knew my heart could take me much further than i could ever imagine...
the 2nd worse hit was chssb syf 2007 - silver... all that i have believed in, all that i learnt, all that i knew, was just denied at the moment they said "band no.25, catholic high school - silver" i sat there and listened to them, and felt there was NO WAY they could have gotten silver, not at all... this band was the extended result of what i had done in my capacity since last yr... i defied all that defined typical music... intonation was the least of my concern, blending was done occasionally, sanity was never present... all i cared was tone, projection, extremity and exaggeration of musical expression, all that music really meant to me... and i guessed my moves subconsciously encouraged miss tan and mr heng to carry on with this definition of music... so at the syf hall, all that was heard was blasting, was extremity, not holding back at all... playing music for the sake of music... percussion players dancing like evil wizards and witches for incantation and dance (i'm not lying - they really did dance)... trombones and tubas blasting for the gruff like evil rituals of the witches... n i thought it was good... til the results came and slapped me right in my face...
i argued about the results with my friend, and it was quite a heated argument, 'cos i didn't talk to him for ages after that, only until recently... i couldn't take the fact that all that i've believed in since the beginning of my musical life, was all just denied overnight, by just a single result... after that, i dunno what music really meant, neither do i have the confidence to take over another band just like that... i really dun want to screw up another band... i don't dare do anything drastic, because i'm afraid what happened to chssb would also happen to njcsb... i always thought i was right, even when i graduated from cat high.. til now, i'm just lost...
but after much thinking, i realised i would nvr improve or learn from my mistake if i just stay where i was since aesthetique 2006, 1.5 yrs ago... yes i did make a folly there, which had such a great impact on many... i think the worse situation is that leaders think they're right and superficial results show them so, til they leave the organisation and everything just starts to crumble into shambles... it does not affect the leader at all, but it has killed the many generations to come... so now, i guess my heart is pulling me back in everything i do... pouring negative light on every action i take... on every aspect of my life... such that it has even adversely affected my dearest friends as well... i think it's time to really move on... no point wallowing in despair, blaming myself over what has happened... no point pin pointing out my mistakes and not doing anything about it... it's really time i should MOVE ON!!!! mistakes are meant to be made, then only does one learn... lessons are only learned through experience, whether it is others or your own... it's time i really take out this first step, n c what the world has in store for me... and whatever challenges i face, i should take it positively and head-on, 'cos only then would i be facing it instead of running away from it... only then can i really help my friends, by releasing that burden of worry on them... n what's more, i have a bunch of very supportive friends and chicky mates whom i can turn to anytime for support!!!! all along i wanted very much to be their support, but they ended up being mine... it's time i did something for them... WAKE UP ANDREW!!!! IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING, AND THERE'S MUCH MORE TO BE EXPLORED!!!! STOP WALLOWING IN SELF PITY AND MOVE ON!!!! MOVE ON!!!!
yes and you too... u have been my main supporting pillar for a very long time already... i always wished this bond would developed into something deeper, something closer to the heart... although i know very well it could be entirely impossible... i told myself to pluck myself out of this vicious circle, but every attempt makes me sink even deeper... if i ever revealed it to u, everything wouldn't be the same anymore, and would even end up worse... i dunno whether to move on or to hold back on this, and i'm trying my best to let my mind rule my heart for once... it's not gonna be easy, n if u wish that we remain what we are now, please understand me and give me sometime... everyday is like a timebomb and the secret gets closer and closer to exposure... i'm trying hard to keep it and at the same time correct my emotions... please bear with me...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, November 18, 2007
11:43 PM
11:43 PM
i'm sorry...
i realise i have been such an a**hole for the past few days... no for the past few weeks... my sickening attitude has affected so many other people, making lives so miserable for those who genuinely care for me... i all along wanted to be a friend to those dearest to me... i wanted to be nice and caring to these people... i wanted to make lives easier and better for these people... but ultimately i have failed... very terribly... n worse i made all these people worry about me... i made all these people so worked up and so affected... i made them so sad and fill their blogs with emo post... i made them so vulnerable and turn to others for help... help that i should be providing... i dunno... i wanted to do only what's right... but ended up doing everything all wrong... i thought it was the best for them, yet only to destroy their very day and lives... what was perfect was caused to go totally imperfect...
i did try to be happy today... there were moments of true joy and laughter... but i'm really sorry... those were only moments and i couldn't sustain throughout the whole time... i was many a times switched off and with that irritating black crappy face as if u all owe me a hell lot of things... i'm really sorry... i really tried, but i couldn't just get over ytd's incident... i was already very mean not to have opened the door for u all and making u all worry outside for so long, despite all your busy schedules and packed activities for the day... n today u all came all the way here again, and left so late... i'm really sorry... i've taken so much of your time... ur effort... ur happiness... ur everything... despite ur illness... despite ur business... despite ur curfew... u all still came... i'm really grateful... very grateful... n i'm sorry too... because i've been such a cold blanket... i'm both sorry and thankful... but i still am unable to make lives less of a pain for u all... sorry...
i'm also sorry for another thing... something i cannot say... something i cannot reveal... sorry because i have not helped u at all... yet u have ur own fair share of troubles too... because i would love to be more of help, more of a meaning... because something means more to me than anything... i cannot help it... my emotions just cannot be curbed by my rationale... although i know it's entirely impossible... but i'm still going ahead... not holding back... i hope i don't regret it in the end... more importantly, i hope i dun affect u...
i did try to be happy today... there were moments of true joy and laughter... but i'm really sorry... those were only moments and i couldn't sustain throughout the whole time... i was many a times switched off and with that irritating black crappy face as if u all owe me a hell lot of things... i'm really sorry... i really tried, but i couldn't just get over ytd's incident... i was already very mean not to have opened the door for u all and making u all worry outside for so long, despite all your busy schedules and packed activities for the day... n today u all came all the way here again, and left so late... i'm really sorry... i've taken so much of your time... ur effort... ur happiness... ur everything... despite ur illness... despite ur business... despite ur curfew... u all still came... i'm really grateful... very grateful... n i'm sorry too... because i've been such a cold blanket... i'm both sorry and thankful... but i still am unable to make lives less of a pain for u all... sorry...
i'm also sorry for another thing... something i cannot say... something i cannot reveal... sorry because i have not helped u at all... yet u have ur own fair share of troubles too... because i would love to be more of help, more of a meaning... because something means more to me than anything... i cannot help it... my emotions just cannot be curbed by my rationale... although i know it's entirely impossible... but i'm still going ahead... not holding back... i hope i don't regret it in the end... more importantly, i hope i dun affect u...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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1:45 AM
what more can i ask for?
i think i'm blessed with really nice friends... really nice ppl... i feel so bad and evil for not opening the door... i feel so embarrassed and awkward to face u now... after all that u've done for me, and the little that i've done for u, i don't deserve this at all.. it's a non-arguable fact that i was largely responsible for what happened today, n it's nobody's fault that nobody could go for it, esp u too... it was all my wishful thinking right from the start that ruined everything... i ruined ur day... a day that started with hope and fun... a day that started with laughter and smiles... a day that was nvr meant to be rotten... but turned out otherwise because of me... i dunno how to face u all tmr (today)... after not opening the door to at least c what u got for me, after all the effort and pains and money and time wasted to get here... i feel like i'm a bloody JERK, insensitive to others' feelings... i tried my best, but i just couldn't bring myself to answer ur calls... ur calls of care and concern... i'm sorry... i'm really sorry... n u don't have to start bringing all the blame over to ur side now, 'cos the basic problem still lies with me right from the beginning... it'll only make me feel bad to have u blaming yourself thanks to a mistake i started... you all don't have to purposely come out with me and waste more of your time, 'cos i've already wasted enough of it... with such nice ppl like this, what more can i ask for? u've given me the due attention and care and concern, and it's time to care for yourselves too and live a life of your own... stop being bothered by my problems, 'cos u really don't have to... i don't want to bother anybody else with my problems, wasting ur time and everything... u've had enough of my problems and rantings, so please, whether it's for your own sake or to lessen my guilt, please stay the way i always knew u to - the usual cheerful crazy person u r!!!! i shouldn't let my mood swings anybody at all... esp those dear to me... i nvr had a bunch of wackos ever so dear to me... NEVER!!!! n i wish i could just rewind time and had never hurt u ppl... i'm a idiotic jerk...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Saturday, November 17, 2007
9:34 PM
9:34 PM
the biggest mistake so far...
it all started with me making an uneccessary move to register everybody for it... i already suspected it would caused millions of problems to come, but i was like "heck lah, it's musically good for them anyway..." so the whole saga unfolded... first the usual ponners and un-enthu ppl say they can't go, many with invalid/bullshit reasons... i felt: oh what the hell, it ain't my fault anyway, cos these ppl do it all the time... then came the usually complaining but still responsible ones, telling me they can't make it, for certain reasons... i felt: these ppl have their valid reasons and i should be reasonable and excuse them, but i've still don't think i have done wrong... this is followed by those who ARE supposed to be the enthu-and-responsible kia saying they dun want to go... this is already the ultimatum, and makes me wonder whether i have seriously done right... but then the worse happened... the dearest of the dearest all drop out too... at this moment, i finally admit, everything was a mistake on my part...
i'm not being hard on myself... i can just imagine how we were all rebelling against tchrs and principals we all hate during the cat high days... and it's all not very different from what's happening now... what you don't like, just don't do it... simple... students just show their displeasure almost immediately and obviously, because they are in btw the child and adult, the innocence of a child and the troubles of the real adult world...
i didn't want to come out not cause i was angry with you... it was because i couldn't even bring myself to face you ppl... i'm sure after this whole saga i'll have more haters and there'll b ppl also strongly affected other than me... i wished i could reverse time... i wished all this had nvr happened... i wish i had not been so insensitive to caring feelings abundant around me... i wished i was a bm - band member... i wasn't cut out for anything, and now i'm affecting everything, in the negative sense... worries, sorries, madness, sadness, time-wasting, money wasting, everything... i dun wish to hear sorries... cos i'm the one who's supposed to say the sorry... this is the biggest mistake i have made... SO FAR...
i'm not being hard on myself... i can just imagine how we were all rebelling against tchrs and principals we all hate during the cat high days... and it's all not very different from what's happening now... what you don't like, just don't do it... simple... students just show their displeasure almost immediately and obviously, because they are in btw the child and adult, the innocence of a child and the troubles of the real adult world...
i didn't want to come out not cause i was angry with you... it was because i couldn't even bring myself to face you ppl... i'm sure after this whole saga i'll have more haters and there'll b ppl also strongly affected other than me... i wished i could reverse time... i wished all this had nvr happened... i wish i had not been so insensitive to caring feelings abundant around me... i wished i was a bm - band member... i wasn't cut out for anything, and now i'm affecting everything, in the negative sense... worries, sorries, madness, sadness, time-wasting, money wasting, everything... i dun wish to hear sorries... cos i'm the one who's supposed to say the sorry... this is the biggest mistake i have made... SO FAR...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Tuesday, November 13, 2007
2:17 AM
2:17 AM
there was a time when somebody was just genuinely happy... where a bdae celebration brought genuine smiles and genuine warmth and genuine happiness to someone... where someone felt a sense of belonging, a sense of unity, a sense of bonding, a sense of friendship... when someone was his/her true self, not needing to hide, not needing to avoid... when someone didn't turn to others company... when someone wasn't troubled by anything or anyone...
but that was that time...
now... it's all over... it's getting very cold... and bitter... small screw-ups become very offensive... ok mayb not small... no longer that same sense of belonging... no longer a united gang... all individuals... with clicks and so on... just because smth changed...
i can't figure out what changed... or rather i can't figure out what's the real cause of the change, because there are simply too many changes that has led to the ultimate change through time... i can't really decide whether it's my fault or not, but i'm sure of one thing - that i'm incapable of mending it, and helping that someone... i've only come to a conclusion that my inner self doesn't c the need of someone in this world... or at least in this gang... the cold practical b****** inside me is just telling me to go along with the current situation, because someone doesn't play that important a role afterall... i've entered into long arguments over this issue, with another person and with myself, ultimately finding out who i really am... n i've put the issue aside quite some time, hoping i'll get well... but when i saw some pictures today, i knew the problem was still there... n i can do nothing about it... i wish i could do smth, n i'm trying, but it seems that everything i do is just worsening the situation... or do i genuinely want to destroy this bond because deep down inside my heart my evil self is just telling me so?
but that was that time...
now... it's all over... it's getting very cold... and bitter... small screw-ups become very offensive... ok mayb not small... no longer that same sense of belonging... no longer a united gang... all individuals... with clicks and so on... just because smth changed...
i can't figure out what changed... or rather i can't figure out what's the real cause of the change, because there are simply too many changes that has led to the ultimate change through time... i can't really decide whether it's my fault or not, but i'm sure of one thing - that i'm incapable of mending it, and helping that someone... i've only come to a conclusion that my inner self doesn't c the need of someone in this world... or at least in this gang... the cold practical b****** inside me is just telling me to go along with the current situation, because someone doesn't play that important a role afterall... i've entered into long arguments over this issue, with another person and with myself, ultimately finding out who i really am... n i've put the issue aside quite some time, hoping i'll get well... but when i saw some pictures today, i knew the problem was still there... n i can do nothing about it... i wish i could do smth, n i'm trying, but it seems that everything i do is just worsening the situation... or do i genuinely want to destroy this bond because deep down inside my heart my evil self is just telling me so?
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Monday, November 12, 2007
12:55 AM
12:55 AM
i just wanna die... i'm quite sure that after today, i'll have more new haters... and my previous haters will just hate me even more... y am i such an idiot...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, November 11, 2007
1:47 PM
1:47 PM
emptyness...
feeling very empty...
very very empty...
n it's not good at all...
'cos it only allows the sorrow to fill that emptiness...
y not happiness instead of sorrow...
i dunno...
i just wanna slp...
slp til eternity...
slp to escape from this dreaded world...
this dreaded world of crap, of nonsense, of sadness, of...
very very empty...
n it's not good at all...
'cos it only allows the sorrow to fill that emptiness...
y not happiness instead of sorrow...
i dunno...
i just wanna slp...
slp til eternity...
slp to escape from this dreaded world...
this dreaded world of crap, of nonsense, of sadness, of...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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12:41 AM
a roller-coaster-ride day...
had a GREAT and FUN day today!!!! TOTALLY AWESOME!!!! => but then when i finally settled down, i realised there's more things than just the surface... somebody is just so much more suitable to take over me... somebody is just SO much better than me... i'm just a failure afterall... i have led them to nowhere, n yet of no return... yet somebody can just do it... somebody should just TAKE OVER!!!! YES I AM JEALOUS!!!! I'M JEALOUS Y I CAN'T JUST DO IT?!?!?! BUT MORE, I'M SAD 'COS I JUST CAN'T DO IT!!!! N IT'S DOESN'T MEAN NOTHING!!!! IT MEANS U'LL JUST HAVE A CRAPPY YEAR AHEAD!!!! I'M SORRY!!!! I JUST CAN'T DO IT AS WELL AS SOMEBODY!!!! U SHOULD JUST LET SOMEBODY TAKE OVER LAH!!!!
each day the situation is getting frm bad to worse... i told myself to stay out of it, cos i knew right frm the start, this was NOT possible!!!! but being a more heart-over-mind person, i just couldn't stay out of it... n worse, each day i'm falling deeper into it... i'm getting so affected by it, everyday i just can't stop myself frm going straight into it... i get upset and disappointed, n still tell myself i'm fine, when i really noe, i'm not... i exaggerate many minor things, and get so sad over small little everyday things... i dunno... i'm still sinking deeper into it, n i just can't stop it!!!! i'm trying very hard, but my heart just isn't following my mind... everyday, i'm getting so close, yet so afraid to reveal it, cos i knew right from the start, it just isn't possible, n if i reveal it, then it's never be the same again... never again... i so wanna say it out, yet m so afraid of saying it out... i dunno... i'm confused... my heart and mind r like the angel n devil bickering against each other... i'm at a lost at what to do... but i only noe, the more it happens, the worse i'm sinking into it... i dun wanna go on like that...
each day the situation is getting frm bad to worse... i told myself to stay out of it, cos i knew right frm the start, this was NOT possible!!!! but being a more heart-over-mind person, i just couldn't stay out of it... n worse, each day i'm falling deeper into it... i'm getting so affected by it, everyday i just can't stop myself frm going straight into it... i get upset and disappointed, n still tell myself i'm fine, when i really noe, i'm not... i exaggerate many minor things, and get so sad over small little everyday things... i dunno... i'm still sinking deeper into it, n i just can't stop it!!!! i'm trying very hard, but my heart just isn't following my mind... everyday, i'm getting so close, yet so afraid to reveal it, cos i knew right from the start, it just isn't possible, n if i reveal it, then it's never be the same again... never again... i so wanna say it out, yet m so afraid of saying it out... i dunno... i'm confused... my heart and mind r like the angel n devil bickering against each other... i'm at a lost at what to do... but i only noe, the more it happens, the worse i'm sinking into it... i dun wanna go on like that...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Saturday, November 10, 2007
12:57 AM
12:57 AM
ponder...
am i really suitable for this? ever since i've taken it up, i've heard so many sorries and complains... i've tried so many ways, n tried pushing myself further, but somehow i still can't fufil my expectations... n worse it, IT HAS GOTTEN WORSE!!!! ppl r saying sorry cos they can't seem to get their part done, but fortunately, they've forgotten that the reason they needed to say sorry becos I needed to say sorry in the first place!!!! I was the one who created the whole mess and expected u to clean it up for me!!!! I was the one who made life hell!!!! u told me ur worries, yet i couldn't do anything, but just lend a listening ear!!!! although i do feel that a listening ear is just as important as correction made, but i just ain't doing anything to improve the situation... i'm sorry... i'm really sorry... maybe u shouldn't even have chosen me in the first place... i won't say it's ur fault cos it ain't... i promised too many things... too many beyond my capabilities... sorries r not enuf, becos i've screwed it all up and yet not done anything to help the situation... JUST GO DIE!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Monday, November 5, 2007
3:16 PM
3:16 PM
one more screwed up day... another day to drag my feet over... i really hate my life... i though i would recover... but no... every morning i wake up the first thing that strikes me is always that... i really dun wanna go on like this... i dun want to... but i dunno how... i'm going downhill... everything about me is crap... all crap... screwing up every single thing... sucking at every single thing... living like a zombie... HAPPY NOW?!?! killing everything in ur way... affecting every single person... NOW U'VE GOT ATTENTION!!!! HAPPY NOW?!?!?! JUST GO DIE!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, November 4, 2007
11:51 PM
11:51 PM
it's raining heavily outside... i'm really cold and exhausted... i just feel like breaking down and cry... i dun wanna go on like this anymore... i'm... cold... and exhausted...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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9:25 PM
this is my 3rd post in a day, and this is really one of the worse days of my life...
at the end of the day, FACE IT, u're just another failure!!!! u're existence is not only of no use to this world, u're detrimental to this world!!!! u ignore ur studies, n have become a total useless freak in school academics when u used to be able to help anybody with most things... u choing ur flute, only to find urself deproving more and more til you suck really bad... u go in circles in ur mental cycle and get confused and confuse EVERYBODY ELSE along with u... u caused the atmosphere to dampen, u caused so much trouble to everybody.... u SUCK totally!!!! really living is not at all an option for u, cos letting u live would only waste the limited resources left on earth and inflict terrible damage to all others... FACE IT, u're just another IDIOTIC FAILURE!!!! u should just GO DIE!!!!
at the end of the day, FACE IT, u're just another failure!!!! u're existence is not only of no use to this world, u're detrimental to this world!!!! u ignore ur studies, n have become a total useless freak in school academics when u used to be able to help anybody with most things... u choing ur flute, only to find urself deproving more and more til you suck really bad... u go in circles in ur mental cycle and get confused and confuse EVERYBODY ELSE along with u... u caused the atmosphere to dampen, u caused so much trouble to everybody.... u SUCK totally!!!! really living is not at all an option for u, cos letting u live would only waste the limited resources left on earth and inflict terrible damage to all others... FACE IT, u're just another IDIOTIC FAILURE!!!! u should just GO DIE!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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4:36 PM
i've given up finding the answer... i'll probably nvr find out what's wrong with me in this lifetime... maybe it's just about the process... the process of realising myself... a journey of self-discovery... a journey of true happiness in search of an answer but nvr being able to find one... am i truly evil? just maybe the next time i do smth u just have to beware, so do i... cos i subconciously might just habour a deeper hidden intention... with this i've brought down so many with me... maybe it's time i realise that isin't impt... most importantly i have the big aim in mind... maybe someday i'll morph into who i truly am... but that's later... it shall be left for later worries... for now, i only want to do what's best... maybe that's y i went off in my thinking... wake up, pig!!!! u've got lots to do!!!! lots to care about!!!! lots more to worry about!!!! WAKE UP!!!! or is this entry another big fat lie?
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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1:24 AM
does true altruism ever exist?
~ Quoted ~
| | Altruism | 1. Loving others as oneself. 2. Behaviour that promotes the survival chances of others at a cost to ones own. 3. Self-sacrifice for the benefit of others [Italian: altrui others] | |
French philosopher Auguste Comte coined the word altruisme (with meaning 3) in 1851, and two years later it entered the English language as altruism. Many considered his ethical system - in which the only moral acts were those intended to promote the happiness of others - rather extreme, so meaning 1 evolved. Now universal in evolutionary theory, meaning 2 was coined by scientists exploring how unselfish behaviour could have evolved. It is applied not only to people (psychological altruism), but also to animals and even plants.
Altruists choose to align their well-being with others - so they are happy when others thrive, sad when others are suffering. Essential in establishing strong relationships, most societies acknowledge the importance of altruism within the family. By motivating cooperation rather than conflict, it promotes harmony within communities of any size. Of course, peace within communities does not necessarily herald peace between communities, and the two may even be inversely related - witness for example, the way in which social strife tends to decrease within countries at war.
Altruists broaden their perspectives in an effort to overcome the artificial categories that break up the complex web of life. Altruism is the abdication of claims of power over others. To state that "None of us are worth more and none are worth less than anyone else" is almost a truism, but modern technology has given a new urgency to all such appeals for altruism. Life on earth is being destroyed at an alarming rate, and evidence is mounting of impending disasters such ecological collapse and climate change that threaten us all. Until a fundamental shift of consciousness occurs, such disasters can only get worse. Communications technology - and WWW in particular - is boosting altruism and establishing a global consciousness. It is encouraging to see how easily individual acts of altruism can have a global impact (e.g. Wikipedia, free software, or give away websites). In spite of massive investment by the corporate world, a mentality shift in the IT sphere is well underway from scarcity to abundance.
The most effective counter to the spread of altruism is the modern money system, since it is responsible for an unnatural transactional mentality. The inherent conflict in conventional money establishes zero-sum (competitive) relationships between people and organizations - so that those who help others necessarily disadvantage themselves. Such a system places a destructive overemphasis on self which erodes true society, fuelling consumerism and accompanying depression. Our main project is therefore to help develop an alternative to centralised money. If resistant to selfish attack, an internet-wide gift economy will act as a breeding ground for altruism. Many people would love a chance to ignore money and concentrate instead on helping others. A decentralised global gift economy system would do just that. By uniting altruists everywhere, coordinating local acts of altruism in a coherent fashion, the world could finally understand the power of getting back to our altruistic roots and escaping from Win-Lose thinking.
Everything that makes it possible and enjoyable to live is a free gift. For almost all of history, humans never saw the need to buy and sell things, or even to barter. Altruism is its own reward. Positive relationships with others have always been a more natural basis for self-esteem than either material objects or illusions about money or power over others.
| "There is a power in love that our world has not discovered yet. Jesus discovered it centuries ago. Mahatma Gandhi of India discovered it a few years ago, but most men and most women never discover it. For they believe in hitting for hitting; they believe in an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth; they believe in hating for hating; but Jesus comes to us and says, "This isn’t the way." And this morning, I think of the fact that our world is in transition now. Our whole world is facing a revolution." Martin Luther King, Jr. |
~ End of Quote ~
but the thing is does true altruism ever exist? u expect no reward, yet u state: "Altruism is its own reward" den doesn't it go against ur original principles? ultimately u're not working for the selfless benefit of others, u're benefiting others so that u can benefit urself!!!! human is by nature selfish, the only way to get above that is to convince urself that ur selfishness is resonable... but then what would b considered reasonable? to benefit both parties? to not harm anyone? i dunno... i'm confused... somebody tried talking me out of it, but i'm still not convinced... i dunno... how should i feel? sorry for bothering? happy for getting attn? sad for revealing my true self? what? WHAT?
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Saturday, November 3, 2007
10:02 PM
10:02 PM
I will miss you...
had this sudden sense of sadness after i left mama's house... the chicky delivery plan that has been contemplated for so long is finally complete... i should be happy... but it just shows one thing - that's probably the final last thing that i can ever do for them. i have my section to really thank, especially my retarded aunt, for supporting my crazy idea right frm the start... thx to ant too, for providing so much laughter and financial support, even though u do have ur own fair share of troubles... and thx to xy too, for helping us saw's hse number... thx to mr ho for fetching us to saw's hse that day...
but now it's all over... yes u'll still c them every now and then, yes u'll still talk to them over sms... but u do noe it'll die off very soon... was talking to saw that ytd and she was like NO WE'LL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER!!!! ya, i wish so too, but nothing last foreva, n u and i clearly noe that it is only this time when everybody is tied strongly together becos we were forced to... after awhile when everything dies down, we'll each go our ways... really sad, but that's reality... ok i promised my aunt not to emo too much so i shall try to stay happy, or at least not sink deeper... i tink this is the only time when this statement is wrong: 明天会更好!!!! it only gets worse by the day, knowing it'll get further and further... i just hope saw and guo loved what we have done for them and will do well for a's... i dun ask too much... i will miss yer ppl!!!!
Quoted: "Spell family: f-l-u-t-e-s!"
but now it's all over... yes u'll still c them every now and then, yes u'll still talk to them over sms... but u do noe it'll die off very soon... was talking to saw that ytd and she was like NO WE'LL ALWAYS BE TOGETHER!!!! ya, i wish so too, but nothing last foreva, n u and i clearly noe that it is only this time when everybody is tied strongly together becos we were forced to... after awhile when everything dies down, we'll each go our ways... really sad, but that's reality... ok i promised my aunt not to emo too much so i shall try to stay happy, or at least not sink deeper... i tink this is the only time when this statement is wrong: 明天会更好!!!! it only gets worse by the day, knowing it'll get further and further... i just hope saw and guo loved what we have done for them and will do well for a's... i dun ask too much... i will miss yer ppl!!!!
Quoted: "Spell family: f-l-u-t-e-s!"
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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