i realise i have been such an a**hole for the past few days... no for the past few weeks... my sickening attitude has affected so many other people, making lives so miserable for those who genuinely care for me... i all along wanted to be a friend to those dearest to me... i wanted to be nice and caring to these people... i wanted to make lives easier and better for these people... but ultimately i have failed... very terribly... n worse i made all these people worry about me... i made all these people so worked up and so affected... i made them so sad and fill their blogs with emo post... i made them so vulnerable and turn to others for help... help that i should be providing... i dunno... i wanted to do only what's right... but ended up doing everything all wrong... i thought it was the best for them, yet only to destroy their very day and lives... what was perfect was caused to go totally imperfect...

i did try to be happy today... there were moments of true joy and laughter... but i'm really sorry... those were only moments and i couldn't sustain throughout the whole time... i was many a times switched off and with that irritating black crappy face as if u all owe me a hell lot of things... i'm really sorry... i really tried, but i couldn't just get over ytd's incident... i was already very mean not to have opened the door for u all and making u all worry outside for so long, despite all your busy schedules and packed activities for the day... n today u all came all the way here again, and left so late... i'm really sorry... i've taken so much of your time... ur effort... ur happiness... ur everything... despite ur illness... despite ur business... despite ur curfew... u all still came... i'm really grateful... very grateful... n i'm sorry too... because i've been such a cold blanket... i'm both sorry and thankful... but i still am unable to make lives less of a pain for u all... sorry...

i'm also sorry for another thing... something i cannot say... something i cannot reveal... sorry because i have not helped u at all... yet u have ur own fair share of troubles too... because i would love to be more of help, more of a meaning... because something means more to me than anything... i cannot help it... my emotions just cannot be curbed by my rationale... although i know it's entirely impossible... but i'm still going ahead... not holding back... i hope i don't regret it in the end... more importantly, i hope i dun affect u...