was clearing rubbish smses to clear my full inbox so that i can make space for nicer smses => chanced upon many old smses... i realised i used to be able to lead... i won't say with much success, but definitely not like what i am now... i read smses congratulating on how aesthetique 2006 was a success... i read smses from miss tan saying that she was proud of me as her student... i read smses thanking me for my dedication to help the cat high primary band... then the smses changed topic... it moved on to syf this yr... i read smses on how we missed syf... how we just worked so b***dy hard for syf and yet enjoy the whole process... how we used to choing 272 after every single prac without fail... no complains... n how we felt so empty when everything was finally over...

i was thinking... y could i just push all the way then and yet be held back so much now? what is the difference between then and now that is stopping me from giving my all to this band and yet still maintain that craziness and smile? when it came to etude, somehow that smile disappeared... that enthusiasm somehow died down... what was it that caused such a great change, in my attitude, in my determination, in my perseverance?

i couldn't come up with an answer... there was nothing different... all were band events, all part of my passion... the only possible thing different could only be my heart... being a extremely heart-over-head person, i only do things when i want to... forcing me to do things really never work... even if my o's prac were 3 days away i still haven't got a pianist... even if i had to hand up va tmr, i still didn't bother... yet i could be practising flute the day b4 my exams... yet i could be working late night doing proposals on how to improve the band musical standard with clear knowledge that it would neither be read nor implemented...

alot has happened since i stepped down from concertmaster of chssb since april last yr... time flies, and it's already 1.5yr later... yet i think i'm still left there... i screwed up my o's practical pretty badly... yes the grade ultimately for my music was a1, but it really doesn't mean anything... 'cos i knew i did really not up to my usual standard those 2 days... the flute one was really bad, the electone one was just not there... it made me realise how bad a musician i was, and it hit be really hard, 'cos at that time i was still keen on music as a career... but with the looks of it, i could nvr have one... after that i seldom picked up the baton in front of a band anymore and usually rejected such request... i backed out from alumni band, probably because i felt i would just end up disappointing everybody, and ultimately, myself... i gave the excuse that i was busy preparing for the strings concert but i was just deceiving myself, 'cos i knew my heart could take me much further than i could ever imagine...

the 2nd worse hit was chssb syf 2007 - silver... all that i have believed in, all that i learnt, all that i knew, was just denied at the moment they said "band no.25, catholic high school - silver" i sat there and listened to them, and felt there was NO WAY they could have gotten silver, not at all... this band was the extended result of what i had done in my capacity since last yr... i defied all that defined typical music... intonation was the least of my concern, blending was done occasionally, sanity was never present... all i cared was tone, projection, extremity and exaggeration of musical expression, all that music really meant to me... and i guessed my moves subconsciously encouraged miss tan and mr heng to carry on with this definition of music... so at the syf hall, all that was heard was blasting, was extremity, not holding back at all... playing music for the sake of music... percussion players dancing like evil wizards and witches for incantation and dance (i'm not lying - they really did dance)... trombones and tubas blasting for the gruff like evil rituals of the witches... n i thought it was good... til the results came and slapped me right in my face...

i argued about the results with my friend, and it was quite a heated argument, 'cos i didn't talk to him for ages after that, only until recently... i couldn't take the fact that all that i've believed in since the beginning of my musical life, was all just denied overnight, by just a single result... after that, i dunno what music really meant, neither do i have the confidence to take over another band just like that... i really dun want to screw up another band... i don't dare do anything drastic, because i'm afraid what happened to chssb would also happen to njcsb... i always thought i was right, even when i graduated from cat high.. til now, i'm just lost...

but after much thinking, i realised i would nvr improve or learn from my mistake if i just stay where i was since aesthetique 2006, 1.5 yrs ago... yes i did make a folly there, which had such a great impact on many... i think the worse situation is that leaders think they're right and superficial results show them so, til they leave the organisation and everything just starts to crumble into shambles... it does not affect the leader at all, but it has killed the many generations to come... so now, i guess my heart is pulling me back in everything i do... pouring negative light on every action i take... on every aspect of my life... such that it has even adversely affected my dearest friends as well... i think it's time to really move on... no point wallowing in despair, blaming myself over what has happened... no point pin pointing out my mistakes and not doing anything about it... it's really time i should MOVE ON!!!! mistakes are meant to be made, then only does one learn... lessons are only learned through experience, whether it is others or your own... it's time i really take out this first step, n c what the world has in store for me... and whatever challenges i face, i should take it positively and head-on, 'cos only then would i be facing it instead of running away from it... only then can i really help my friends, by releasing that burden of worry on them... n what's more, i have a bunch of very supportive friends and chicky mates whom i can turn to anytime for support!!!! all along i wanted very much to be their support, but they ended up being mine... it's time i did something for them... WAKE UP ANDREW!!!! IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING, AND THERE'S MUCH MORE TO BE EXPLORED!!!! STOP WALLOWING IN SELF PITY AND MOVE ON!!!! MOVE ON!!!!

yes and you too... u have been my main supporting pillar for a very long time already... i always wished this bond would developed into something deeper, something closer to the heart... although i know very well it could be entirely impossible... i told myself to pluck myself out of this vicious circle, but every attempt makes me sink even deeper... if i ever revealed it to u, everything wouldn't be the same anymore, and would even end up worse... i dunno whether to move on or to hold back on this, and i'm trying my best to let my mind rule my heart for once... it's not gonna be easy, n if u wish that we remain what we are now, please understand me and give me sometime... everyday is like a timebomb and the secret gets closer and closer to exposure... i'm trying hard to keep it and at the same time correct my emotions... please bear with me...

but even after posting this, i find it really difficult to move on... help me pls...