i haven't been able to listen to music so peacefully for a very long time... everytime i listen to music, it's with preconceptions, with analysis, with loads of things to think about... and i've always wanted to listen to music and truly enjoy and absorb the music again... just pure enjoying, being touched and moved by the music... was listening to all the calm songs of serenity... with a little hinge of sadness, of expressiveness, of beauty, of meaning... danny boy, the water is wide, shenandoah, love is a flower, you are its seed etc. yea and some church music too... i miss playing flute at church... i wish i had that tone of somebody so at least i could play much more beautifully... that pleasant and soothing timbre... it's just so hurting when everytime i go there and destroy everything... my tone is ALWAYS disgusting there... i dunno y... til the violinist had to ask my flute tutor to play instead... haiz...

i probably have been too caught up with life, that i haven't got time to really live... so much has happened, and much left unresolved... i always hoped 明天会更好 but tomorrow never seems to lift up my spirits... many setbacks i've faced... so many for the first time in my life... my life has always been smooth sailing... got what i wanted... yea i know it's just insignificant to what some others are facing or what is there to come in the future... i guess i just have to learn to grow up... everytime i tried to vent my frustrations in music, it just doesn't work nowadays, 'cos somehow i already know it's not going to help... i get so frustrated and agitated that my mind is already removed from the music... i think music has become to me a very technical term... that of a subject, that of a achievement, that of a process, that of an application... just not that of the heart of a human... i really hate this, because it's just so not a musician... but in this world, there are just too many things that the heart cannot agree and sadly have to abide by... i guess i'll just have to accept this...

i think i really have to thank who have been really close to me and have been helping me in one way or another... those who really stuck by me... yupp somebody was right... it isn't nice to just explode on someone whom u call a friend and just say sorry later, pretending u're all that pityful and deserve their forgiveness... i think somebody else knew how practical a person i am and how i just cunning make use of people whom i call 'friends' to achieve my own aims... somebody knew that ages ago and wrote a whole blog post on it... then when i told another somebody, that person just didn't believe along i've not changed, it was you who had mistaken who i am... i am not as simple as i seem, and almost every moment those selfish thoughts in me that i try SO hard to suppress manifest into disgustingly evil actions... but back to where i was, to these people who truly cared, sorry for making u worry all this while and treating u like a punching bag to vent my frustrations, and thanks for being with me :)

well i think now i'm getting just slightly better... but it's a good start... at least i didn't explode or sink into depression when i saw the stupid band fest band allocation... firstly, yea, people whom i don't wanna split up with eventually got splited... well should have expected... secondly, it just shows how much somebody thinks about me... or rather how little somebody thinks about me... well i guess this is going to last another half a yr plus and i just have to accept it... and i'll put on a smile with laughters just to show that i'm happy... mayb i'm not, but at least it does help to improve my mood too... and also not make the dearests worry... SMILE =)

and to you who have just taken over my position as emo-kia, cheer up kKz? ok don't get me wrong, i don't intend to force you to eat or forget anything, 'cos i know it's really difficult... neither do i expect u to divulge everything, cos somethings are better kept to yourself... most importantly, i don't expect you to put a smile when u're truly hurting deep down... yea but u've gotta find back yourself YOURSELF! support is here, and all around your circle of friends, but the problem is left for you to solve... maybe you seriously need a good rest, because pondering continuously without sleep ain't gonna help at all, so y don't you just get good regular sleeps? quoting somebody else, 明天会更好!