yea i guess most of you would have heard by now... njc newly joined PE teacher Mr Stephen Loh drowned in the Dragon Boating competition... i don't know him well, but i ever worked with him once before, briefly for Colours Award Dinner... he's a very nice guy, probably the best guy u can find in the nj PE department... everybody's blogging about him and i guess i won't repeat all the "sorries, i didn't really ____"... what's the point of saying sorry now when u/i could have done so earlier? it's just makes me more disgusted at myself, my attitude and behaviour towards life, especially after the recent spate of arguements over msn... how i really truly am evil and black hearted deep down inside and how i just do things without consideration and then expect people to clean up the mess behind me...

well, his death means he won't be around anymore... but more importantly, his spirit and zest for teaching (as i have heard) will not be around anymore... but it makes me wonder? is it really that bad a thing?


was listening to stabat mater dolorosa, and it gave me mayb a clearer picture of what death really means... ok it's tilted slightly to the christian side, so if u feel uncomfortable of the topic of religion than just ignore this post... stabat mater dolorosa is the title of the ancient catholic hymm describing the pain and agony of Mary as Jesus was crucified on the cross (which explains y it's just so heart wrenching)... it was later used by many composers as a title for their composition of similar meaning... i'm listening to a band one, n i dunno who's the composer, though i suspect he is satoshi yagisawa (yes him again!!!! he composes the best music in the world - macchu picchu, cavetowns, hymn to the infinite sky etc.)... it starts with an ominous slow beginning, with all the dark timbres and inner compulsions of the heart... expressive melodies which later defines the melodic material for the rest of the composition... it then later moves on to an explosive section, fast tempo, blasty, highly repetitive... the final slow section, the longest of all, is the most heart wrenching, finally ending in a grand bright conclusive ending...

well the sad part of death is covered all over... minor, ominous timbres, eupho everwhere, sonorous horns, wide dynamic movement... but the thing that gave me a different perspective was the ending... the bright, majorish, grand, hopeful ending, with the punctuative crash cymbals, the penetrating suspended cymbals, the noble majestic timpani, the shrilling trills, the sonorous horns... the colour and image derived is just plain white to me... but ain't just normal white, but the VERY BRIGHT WHITE!!!!! comfortable, hopeful, NOT blinding!!!!! in the christian context, yes Jesus ultimately ascended to heaven... it's hopeful 'cos he died for ALL OUR SINS, and we know he would come back again to fetch us home and to end this sinful world...

i know it's cliche, but every ending marks a new beginning... if Mr Loh can throw away all the sufferings and harsh realities of this world and move on, and his dreadful life as a PE teacher (not exactly everybody in Singapore is enthu about PE!!!!), then we shouldn't be sad at all... yes we'll miss him, and his unique character, and his passion, but i guess we (especially me) must know when to let go... moreover, i guess he died probably in the midst of one of his passions n not many can... his death seems more to me a liberation and conclusion rather than that of a lost and regret!!!! we won't know what happens in the future but (touchwood) who know's it might have been a painful toturing death thanks to health problems for him if he had lived on? i know many would rather he live and PLEASE DON'T GET ME WRONG!!!!!!! I'M NOT HAPPY THAT HE DROWNED!!!!!!! WHO IS?!?!?!?! but well i guess i have to accept it... it's not like i'm particularly attached to him, so the hit on me isn't that bad... or rather, is VERY minimal... (yea i know i'm very mean and evil here)

i hope i have not offended anybody in this post... forgive me if i do, cos my thoughts just run wild, esp when i'm bloggin at like 2am and am half dead alr... i pray that Mr Loh was a christian and that he'll will eventually go where we all would love to go... and i pray for the rest of his family members, friends and students to take it easy and accept it... but i guess if i'm one of them, i wouldn't be able to stay unaffected at all... i'll just pray time washes the hurt away... and eventually we'll c the hope for him and all of us - Stabat Mater Dolorosa!