euu typedd*: blog
Monday, January 28, 2008
7:08 PM
oh well i deserve this retribution anyway... trying to get used to a new life now... actually not really new... just a lonelier life... so envious when i hear of them having so much fun and laughter... i know very clearly it couldn't have been so without me, so no matter what i feel now, i know i won't regret... it's great to c smiles on their faces again... if assuming that i didn't care at all would help u ignore and forget me them all the more i should be indifferent to whatever that happens... will miss ya guys, but HELL NO REGRETS!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday, January 27, 2008
1:42 PM
walked all the way from nj back home with dan yesterday - took us a good 4hrs20mins to finally reach causeway point!!!! at least for that moment, it took my mind off all the crappy things that was bothering me... all along that journey we were just reminiscing past wonderful moments, talking about stuff now, laughing at the top of our voices!!!!!!! hadn't been that happy in ages!!!!!! thx dan for accompanying me all the way!!!!!!!!
but the moment i reached home, i just know whatever happened b4 was just another escapade from life... i'm still back to this crappy life at the end of the day... i dun really enjoy band at all now... i dun c the point of my existence in band anyway... n yes i did hear u ytd... i'm ignoring it not 'cos i didn't care about u or anything... i figured you'd have been much happier and not reminded of all those unhappy moments without me... hope u had fun shopping!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Friday, January 25, 2008
6:38 PM
n i did the meanest thing in my life...
i really wanted to go forth and say smth... at least smth... anything that could help... i'm not that heartless that i couldn't sense the atmosphere around or even ms feng's worried face that was fixed on u wherever u went... i really din know u were in the band store til i turned around n only caught a glimpse of u in my exact position 2 days ago...
i never meant not to care... but i know i can't... i can already feel my heart sinking down really really deep, and dunno y, my whole body was burning up... perhaps it's the guilt... the guilt of not going forward to help a friend... a true yet abused friend... all i could do was to hide in forms and data, hide in all the appeal stuff, bury myself in my work... so i won't feel anything... so i can resist myself from going forward... and i can stop everything... i really do care... but i still want u to hate me...
which i have achieved... all these while i think even u could have felt that i've been treating different people differently... somehow i seem normal when i'm with certain ppl... somehow i just am being very mean to u... i really want u to know that i never meant to... but returning back to my normal self will just deny the very cause i set out to achieve... n not only that... now u have seen for yourself how bad a friend i am... how really FUCKED UP a friend i am, n it's not too late to just break this friendship b4 the end of jc life... u'll really be better off without me, i'm sure - today is the best example that i shouldn't exist in ur life... it was a mistake to even come to nj and destroy all ur lives...
i am not going to say i truly understand what u're all going through cos i dun... my grandfather passed away immediately after i came back from my london trip last year... he din get to c me 1 last time... not in ages... i think the last time he saw me was since that chinese new year... n being the disgusting hard hearted me, i din actually feel anything when i knew about it... i only cried when i saw my mum breaking down at the wake everytime she went to c him in the coffin... n only then... and with all the pressure for squeezing the common test into my brain within 3 days, and all spent at the wake... i dunno how i remained so hard hearted but i did... i really din feel a thing... neither was i there when 外公 was cremated cos my parents asked me to go for my exams... it's really quite ironic... cos all this while i've always believe in humanity in this robot age, in music making not in midi production, in being the most humane and not the most accurate or clean... yet... when the real time comes... i just succumb to the temptations of saving myself from 'unnecessary' trouble... just by indifference...
i dunno how i can help u... and i guess now the last person u want to c is me... i'll try my best to disappear from your life... so that u may forget all this unhappiness... it must have been my fault for demanding so much on punctuality... that it somehow now overwrites humanity... something that i once had... but have been completely wiped out of me... i'm really sorry for adding to your hurt and not being able to help... i REALY AM... i just hope that time will help u tide over this difficult times and soon u'll be the happy person i always knew u to be... u've always got jh and carmen and i know u'll be fine and much better off without me... i'm really sorry...
Labels: http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.align.full.gif
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday, January 24, 2008
11:46 PM
the suckiest friend ever...
yea... that's me... i'm really sorries to have put all of u through this... n after those few smses with u just now, i know even more clearly i've been a very very lousy and inconsiderate friend... n the more u deny it the more i'm sure u're faking it and it's not the truth... and that ultimately, i suck big time as a friend, past caring of all ur feelings, ur problems, ur life... only mine matters... i'm really sorry to u people... but to SOME people, i can only be sorry but i'll not stop... 'cos precisely 'cos u people are my friends, the more i can spoil your lives for u... and the only best way to do that, is for me to disappear, to totally vanish out of ur lives... only then will u all experience true happiness, play true music, and truly live ur lives, not for others, definitely not for me, but ur ownselves... i suck big time as a friend and ur smses convince me even more... it's bullshit to claim i dun, it's probably the biggest lie i've ever heard, second to me being pro in flute... lies, lies, lies... they seem everywhere now... just for the sake of comforting me... just for the sake of cheering me up... but what's the point if my pathetic life is just based on nothing but a pack of lies? i'm really a pathetic person... and no doubt.. the suckiest friend on earth... just... forget me...
i'm really sorry for that, n i din expect u to be so gravely affected.. it really is my fault for being such a lousy leader... i'm really really sorry... n i noe because of this problem, it leads to another even more serious problem that u've been resenting all this while... i'm sorry i couldn't do anything in my capacity... i noe it's my job... n i really suck... i ain't as pro as the rest of the exco, ANY of them... i really can't make it... i'm sorry...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
8:24 PM
no wonder i'll always be a third rate player, a third rate musician, making noise with what best suits me - a third rate band... n so even he said so... i din do anything or ask for anything - maybe i just sounded too crappy that he just said that... no harm done though, 'cos it's better off i stay invisible and inaudible...
n so i'm the lousy one... the inconsiderate one... the one who always complains... the one who's so selfish for my own attention and my own needs... the one who started all this trend lah... MY FAULT LAH OK?!?!?!?!?!?! BLAME ME LAH!!!!!! JUST REMEMBER THAT I'M TO BLAME, N PASS THE DEATH PENALTY ON ME!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
12:53 AM
ya i'm the one at fault lah... ya i'm always the childish one... ya i'm don't think deeply about things before proceeding... ya i'm the lousy one, n u all have to babysit me... ya i'm to blame for attendance problems lah... ya lah i never thought about recruitment stuff... ya lah i never thought of ways to solve the problem... ya lah i'm always the one with the bad tone lah... ya lah i'm always the one dragging the whole section down lah... ya i'm the one causing this break down lah... ya lah i love to reject u all for meals and outings lah... ya i love to give u all that face lah... ya lah i dun want to play well lah... ya lah i'm the one who always causes trouble lah... ya lah i flare up at people whom i 'supposedly' call 'friends' anytime i like lah... ya lah i'm running away lah... ya lah i'm irresponsible and always 'tired' lah... ya lah i'm causing so much unhappiness lah... ya lah i am the problem n u all are very nicely trying to help lah... ya lah i never thought about the section lah... ya lah i treat my friends like dirt lah... ya lah i'm the one to blame for everything lah... HAPPY NOW?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?! MY FUCKING FAULT THAT IDIOTIC PEOPLE DUN KNOW WHAT IS CALLED INITIATIVE?!?!?!? MY FUCKING FAULT THAT I NEVER DO THINGS IN YOUR PERSPECTIVE?!?!?!?!?! MY FUCKING FAULT THAT THIS SECTION IS FALLING APART?!??!!??!? MY FUCKING FAULT THAT PEOPLE ARE NOT ATTENDING REGULARLY?!?!?!??!?!?! MY FUCKING FAULT U DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING THAT I DON'T?!?!?!?!?!?!?! MY FUCKING FAULT THAT I DIN TAKE ACTION RIGHT IN YOUR FACE?!?!?!?!?!?! YA LAH!!!!!! MY BLOODY FAULT FOR EVERYTHING LAH!!!!!!!
I TOLD U ALL TO JUST IGNORE ME - U ALL REFUSED TO!!!! I TOLD U ALL TO JUST GET SOMEBODY ELSE - U SAID DUN COMPARE!!!!! I TOLD U ALL THAT I SUCKED - U ALL GAVE ME GROSSLY EXAGGERATED LIES EXALTING MY EVERY CHARACTER!!!!!!! YA LAH SO NOW IT'S MY FAULT LAH!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S Y FAULT FOR ALL THESE LAH!!!!!!! IT'S MY FAULT FOR BEING SO USELESS LAH!!!!!! IT'S MY FAULT FOR BEING SO IRRESPONSIBLE LAH!!!!!!! IT'S MY FAULT PRACTICING SO BLOODY HARD AND GET NOTHING WHILE OTHERS JUST GET IT INSTANTLY LAH!!!!!!! IT'S MY BLOODY FAULT THAT I'M SO LOUSY COMPARED TO OTHERS LAH!!!!!!!!! IT'S MY BLOODY FAULT FOR EVERYTHING LAH!!!!!! JUST FUCKING EVERYTHING LAH!!!!!!!!!
SO I'M THE HAPPINESS WRECKER LAH????? SO I'M THE INEFFECTIVE AND PASSIVE AND BRAINLESS AND NO INITIATIVE ONE LAH???????? SO I ENJOY REJECTING U ALL LAH!?!?!?!?!?! SO I ENJOY GOING HOME ALONE AND EATING ON MY OWN LAH??!?!?!?!?! SO I'M SUCH A LOUSY FRIEND LAH!!!!!!!!!!
U KNOW WHAT?!?!?!?! JUST FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!! MY LIFE IS ALREADY SCREWED ENOUGH WITH MY FUCKING CHARACTER!!!!!!!! I DUN NEED CONSTANT REMINDERS EVERYDAY OF WHAT I AM (N WHAT I AM NOT!!!!!) I DUN WANT TO HAVE TO NEED TO CONCERN MYSELF WITH WHETHER I'M BEING MEAN AND ALWAYS SHOUTING!!!!!! I DUN WANT TO PUSH MYSELF TO THE END SO AS TO HELP THE REST!!!!!!!!!! I DUN WANT TO DO ANYMORE SELF SACRIFICE FOR THE BETTER OF THE REST WHEN NOBODY JUST APPRECIATES IT!!!!!!!!! MY LIFE IS JUST SO FUCKED UP THAT U KNOW WHAT?????? I JUST WANT TO END IT!!!!! RIGHT NOW!!!!!!! I HATE EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
U THINK U KNEW ME??????? WELL NOW U DO AND U SHOULD JUST LEAVE THIS PAGE IF U'RE TOTALLY DISGUSTED AT ALL THESE CRAP (IF U HAVEN'T DONE SO LONG AGO) FUCK U, FUCK ME, FUCK MY LIFE, FUCK THE WORLD, FUCK EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
11:38 PM
i dunno lah... i feel really useless now... on one hand i know i dun mean it this way... not to hurt... not to torture... yet i know if... IF i ever go back i'll still... screw up the whole system... i know i will... 'cos i know the person i am... i'm glad the section is already enough without me... so is the exco - all of u are really functional and better off without me, I KNOW AND IT SHOWS!!!! so what if i turn happier? will the situation ever improve with me in it? so what if i go back in participation as if nothing has happened? will u all ever be this happy again when u were all without me? dun deny ur happiness, 'cos i can tell... at the end of the day, i'm not a suitable person to join u all 'cos i'm just destroying things for u all, destroying music, destroying happiness, destroying life... u're mayb not happy now, but i'm very certain u'll be more upset when i'm around... a replacement is good... to boost the atmosphere... new clicks are forming... best for replacing the old crappy ones... if there's one thing that u ever want to do for me, that is to GIVE UP!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Monday, January 21, 2008
8:46 PM
c i told u happiness can be found without me? or rather... no... can ONLY be found without me... dun have to breakdown... 'cos there's no need to... i'm the one that needs to disappear and i promise i'll try hard to... so as to grant u people much happier lives... adios...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
12:40 AM
i really feel like just breaking down and cry...
everytime i listen to nice nice recordings, nice pieces... i just feel like going to practise it immediately... i wish i could play them... BUT WHAT'S THE POINT?!?!?!? AT THE END OF THE DAY, AFTER I PRACTISED SO BLOODY HARD FOR IT, IT ALWAYS STILL SOUNDS LIKE S***!!!!! SO WHAT AM I PRACTISING FOR?!?!?!?!? N TO THINK I WAS CONSIDERING MAKING THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!?! OR IT ALREADY IS SO MUCH, THAT I JUST AM USELESS NOW COS I REALLY C NO POINT IN MAKING A LIFE OUT OF MY SCREWED MUSIC!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?!?!?! N TO THINK I'M DRAGGING DOWN ALL OTHERS WHO FEEL THEY'RE COMPELLED TO HELP ME IN SOMEWAY OR ANOTHER?!?!?!?!? ANDREW NG JIE HUA, U DESERVE NO LESS THAN A HORRIBLE DEATH!!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday, January 20, 2008
5:19 PM
i dun understand y the f*** my life has to be like that... everything always has to be taken away... i always have to lose out in the end... when hope was at it's very height, u just had to take EVERYTHING away... when i just want to slp my life off, u have to wake me up every now and then reminding me how bitter this F***ED UP life is... u just never intended for me to have a purpose rite? i c no point in having this life, and yet i just can't end it... SO WHAT THE F*** DO U EXPECT ME TO DO?!?!?!?!?!?! with the pathetically concerned family members that i have who dun even realise anything but condemn u the moment they catch u doing something out of the ordinary, forgetting all those moments that was put forth in good intentions... SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! dun talk to me anymore!!!!!! I HELL WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS WORLD!!!!!! I SIMPLY LOVE MY FUCKED UP LIFE IN EVERY SENSE!!!!!! U WANT ME TO SMILE?!?!?!?!!??!?!?! THEN I SHALL SMILE WITH EVERY DISGUST I HAVE LEFT, WITH EVERY BARE TINGE OF HAPPINESS I HAVE REMAINING!!!!! UNTIL I SOON EXHAUST THEM ALL OUT UNTIL I BECOME WHAT I AM NOW - A FUCKED-UP IDIOT!!!!!! FUCK OFF!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
9:02 AM
no i'm not early...
'cos i slept since 5pm ytd...
partially becos i'm tired...
mainly 'cos i dun wanna wake up...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday, January 19, 2008
4:35 PM
up til now, i've always knew i have a really good bunch of band members and band exco to help me...
but only up til now, i've realised i've been the worse fellow band member and leader they have...
and so mr ho realised it too... n i highly suspect he did it on purpose... well just about time he realised anyway... today's practice was just... indescribable... never one moment did i not feel like just giving way and just collapse... i just simply hate my sad life... i can't find anymore reason to love it... i'm just suffering from my own actions now, so no point blaming others or the third dimension for not giving me chance or such... today's path is what i've made for myself... n i'm glad i did... 'cos i can obviously see a change in the rest already... to be exact, it's an improvement... it just all goes to show how much i'm destroying... it's really time for me to just fade away...
i'm really hurt... but i've to go on...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Friday, January 18, 2008
11:59 PM
first time i feel october is so heart wrenching... never felt so melted b4 after listening to it... i almost feel like going to die now...
tired... exhausted... feeling like crap after the whole week of having to be like that... i'm not enjoying it... but i've do it... if not it'll foreva be spoilt by me...
feel really like dying now... niteZ...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday, January 17, 2008
5:00 PM
i'm beginning to really suffer from the consequences of my actions... but i NEVER SAID it was a bad thing... it's only the best remaining thing that i can do left...
i'm still learning to let go... to let go of those really precious to me... it's not gonna be easy at all, and not only for me...
i saw once again how sucky i was yesterday... have went horrible and detestable well beyond my imagination and expectations... i never thought i would be like that...
u'll just get used to it... sooner or later... better sooner than later...
it's the only best remaining thing i can do for u...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
4:44 PM
the past whole year of events has already proven it... y even doubt? though everybody says otherwise, but u know urself the best... n u know it's best for the rest also...push on!!!! it's hard and feels terrible, but PUSH ON!!!! u'll only realise the fruits of ur labour (or unlabour) after everything is done n in place... IT'S FOr THE BEST OF EVERYONE ELSE!!!!! give up now n they'll suffer... though they are suffering now, but they'll get over it in due time, once they realise it's a totally hopeless case...
it ain't just recently or anything... but the span of events... which worse u always thought was good... but everything and EVERYTHING reflects otherwise (other than those gravely exaggerated untrue comments)... just DO IT!!!!!
i dun want to go on with my life anymore...
tmr's band again ;( mayb will try absenting myself...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Monday, January 14, 2008
6:22 PM
well it's starting to fade already, which is a good thing =P sooner or later u'll just totally give up (trust me, u will) and forget it and concentrate on things much more worthwhile ur time and effort spent... getting me back really won't make any difference... oops no... i mean will make a HUGE difference - kills the music, kills the joy... no point getting me back... more worthwhile to train up the new ppl (hey i realised i'm actually suckier than them) and use them for etude... i shall be creating a new part called the flute 4 part which has tacet all the way (dunno what's that? go check the music dictionary) time to brush up my faking skills!!!! i realise i've been such a good actor to have deceive u... oh well when u actually realise the truth, i guarantee u'll be utterly disgusted and BY THEN u WILL want to ignore me... so better now than later... trust me, although u keep saying that u cannot be as happy without me, u know deep down in ur heart it's NONSENSE!!!! it's just getting accustomed to it only, which is a matter of time (which i can see taking place now)... BRAINWASHING TIME =]
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday, January 13, 2008
4:33 PM
WHY?!?!?! I DUN UNDERSTAND?!?!?!? WHY IS IT EVERYTIME I TRY SO HARD IT JUST GETS NOWHERE?!?!?!?! WHY IS IT I JUST CAN'T GET IT WHEN SO MANY OTHERS CAN DO IT JUST LIKE THAT??!?!?!?! NOT LIKE I AIN'T TRYING!!!!! WHY IS IT I'M DOOMED TO FAIL FROM THE VERY DAY I STARTED ON MY OWN?!?!?! HERE I AM TRYING TO PICK MYSELF UP FROM AT LEAST SOME ASPECT AND THERE U ARE STOPPING ME FROM JUST REACHING IT!!!!! I DUN UNDERSTAND!!!!! WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO U TO STOP ME?!?!?!?! WHAT GOOD DOES IT SERVE, WHEN ALL OTHERS CAN JUST DO IT SO SIMPLY!?!?!?!? I DUN UNDERSTAND!!!!! IF SO, THEN WHY SHOULD I EVEN BE LIVING?!?!?! I C NO POINT WHATSOEVER BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING IN THIS WORLD THAT GIVES ME MEANING OR DESERVES MY LIFE CLINGING ON TOO!!!!! NOTHING!!!!! WHY IS IT U WANT TO TORTURE ME?!?!?!?! WHY?!?!?!!? WHY?!?!?!?!? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! JUST LET ME DIE!!!!!! LET ME DIE!!!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
1:00 PM
DISCLAIMER: THIS POST IS GOING TO PISS PEOPLE OFF =]
got tagged by a certain retard ;)
List out top 5 presents you want for your birthday:one: to celebrate it alone
two: to have everybody else happy (which can only be achieved without me)
three: eternal slumber?
four: a hate letter!!!!!
five: in-existence
Answer the following questionsYour relationship with her is?bandmate, HP gang mate, fellow InR (idiot and retard), total hater
Your impression of her?always happy, loves joy and laughter (could be achieved, if not for the presence of a certain idiot)
The most memorable thing she has done for you?tried to cheer me up whenever i'm down (dunno if it's a positive or negative memory...)
If she becomes your lover, you will...?u mean she could actually like someone younger and and shorter and irritating and idiotic and she totally detests?!?!?!?
If she becomes your lover, things she have to improve?nothing... i'm the one that needs REPROGRAMMING
If she becomes your enemy, you will...?already is...
If she becomes your enemy, the reason is?ME
Your overall impression of her?please refer to YOUR IMPRESSION OF HER
How do you think people around you will think about you?this jerk SUCKS
What do you love about ur character?that i have a potential detestable quality
On the contrary, the character you hate?MYSELF =D
The most ideal person you want to be is?anybody else OTHER THAN MYSELF
For people who care & like you, say something to them?u have made a terrible mistake
Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feela well-hated idiot wouldn't really care =D
~ END ~
bloody boiling yet? well, forget me and u won't feel a thing =D
that's when true joy and happiness can finally be found!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday, January 12, 2008
9:34 PM
i think i should be awarded the SUSTAINED ACHIEVEMENT AWARD for being the MOST HATED person for the past 3 days!!!! and for being ever so SUCKY!!!! hey but being has been so ever since dunno when, so i ought to have gotten MANY of those awards already =] sucker, sucker, sucker, sucker, sucker, sucker... (the owner of this blog has officially gone bonkers =) )
i know i don't want it like that, but i have no other choice... don't i feel hurt too, to have to shun u all when i want to go out too... don't i feel hurt too, to have myself left out of all the fun and laughter... don't i feel hurt too, to hurt others with my stubbornness... but if my presence is only going to spoil everything - the music, the system, the laughter, the joy - then i should never be seen again... these few days has only made me realise that without me, the world still goes on turning, and turns even better - filled with pure laughter, pure joy... my existence not is not only unnecessary, but in fact makes things worse, to an extent that nobody can't enjoy... a card game could be so much more fun without me... y should i go spoil things for u? y should i go kill the mood? i no doubt would love to join, but if i let this selfishness get the better of me, i know the rest will suffer...
i wake up every morning, knowing that it really going to be a bad day the way i live it... in fact i dun even feel like waking up... i just feel like going into eternal slumber, to purge myself out of this world, this ever-so-hateful world... i know u all are trying to comfort me and hence say all the nice yet fake and gravely exaggerated things... not that your words dun carry any weight at all, but rather i know u all are just being excessively kind and untrue in your comments so as to pull me up again... i dun want to get pulled up but in the end realise i'm actually no different from s***... so what if u really do pull me up now? i still am s*** and when i realise it again, i'll just go back down...
i can sense that distancing already... which is a good thing... once i really disappear, then i know u all would be much happier people, especially u... u want to know what's the problem? I'M THE PROBLEM!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
12:47 AM
TOP 10 REASONS WHY EVERYBODY HATES U =]
1. U SUCK
2. U SUCK, BUT ACTUALLY THINK U DON'T SUCK
3. U SUCK, BUT ACTUALLY DON'T REALISE THAT U SUCK
4. U SUCK AND CONDEMN EVERYBODY ELSE TO BE AS SUCKY AS U
5. U WISH TO BE THE CENTRE OF ATTENTION ALL THE TIME, AND HENCE, SUCK
6. U REFUSE TO LET GO, AND SO, U SUCK
7. U JUST WON'T GIVE IN, SO, U SUCK
8. U TAKE EVERYTHING NEGATIVELY, AND MAYBE, SUCK
9. U MAKE EVERYBODY ELSE'S LIVES MISERABLE (do i have that much an influence even? STOP DREAMING ANDREW)
10. U THROW UR TEMPER AS AND WHEN U LIKE
all in all, the universal reason is U SUCK =>
anyway, today i successfully made myself disappear again (almost completely non-existent if not for inevitable interference despite all efforts to avoid) hopefully forgotten soon... definitely not a nice thing to do, neither do u feel nice, but i guess it's the best way better than me hindering everything... joy is abundant out there, when i'm out of it... so i shall continue to stay out of it =) n... i realised another blunder i made again today... so idiotic of me... but just as well, it's another concrete evidence of me being a SUCKER!!!!!
haiZ... band's tmr... hope i can stay low enuf...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Friday, January 11, 2008
5:08 PM
CARMEN FANTASIE - RECOMPOSED
~ sung to the all-so-famous-tune from carmen fantasie ~
here comes the idiot
with that hated face
without his smiles
just with the sulks
oh don't u just feel like beating him
and all the s*** out of him
don't hold back just go on
feel free to beat
i would have done it too
don't mind the crappy lyrics... but u get the idea =)
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Thursday, January 10, 2008
11:34 PM
mood swing day...
suddenly i enjoy being much an evil person... enduring 4 hours +++ of solitude today wasn't that bad or difficult at all, esp when exasperating tutorials are there to keep your attention away from things i shouldn't be thinking... i guess it's a good start... and sooner or later, i shall be totally invisible and unneeded and maybe i shall do what i've always ought to do...
pissing people off ain't such a bad thing after all... neither seemingly torturous... in fact makes my job much easier by just 1 shout everybody moves their freaking asses... and when i need help, just go ahead with that act-pitiful face and most probably u'll get some... my life's a sad one, but HEY ain't that THE WORLD?!?!?!?!?! i'm beginning to live now...
don't worry too much... sooner or later u'll all rather have not known me and would chose totally to ignore me thanks be to my irritating-ness and hatefulness =) well don't look at me with the face - it's not about to change me in any way... anyway, it's sooner or later that things have to turn ugly, so maybe b4 things get excessively so, hmmm... maybe not falling too deep will do the trick? (well i've already fallen way beyond my expectation and control)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANTED:
ANDREW NG JIE HUA
FOR BEING EVER SO HATEFUL
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!! i'm going CRAZEEEEEEE!!!!!! i'm LOVING IT =]
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
11:53 PM
i used to think i still had something to be at least happy about... but now, i realise it's just another rubbish...
now i'm only left with something... something called friends... friends of which i have not many... less to say true ones... neither have i been one...
today is the day idiot has given up on everything in life... there's nothing he sees worth fighting for since it all ends up in the same place - the dump of rubbish...
leave me alone to rot... go away...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
1:07 AM
well i guess i was acting like another spoilt child today...
don't need to hate me... i already hate myself...
sorries...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday, January 6, 2008
11:25 PM
i dunno y i get so emo everytime i start reading other's blogs... but at least it's better than others having to read mine - IMMEDIATELY CLOSE!!!!!
anyway i realise i have been very weak, physically and mentally... really can't do anything... quite a useless person on the whole... yet me being the usual ego arrogant guy just can't stand it and tries to make whatever means to make myself feel better somehow... which probably explains all the wierd stuff going on around since jc live started... i really have become a very different person since i came into jc (with negative connotations)... dunno what to do... have deviated alot in the absence of others help... i realise i'm not the kind who can really make it on my own although i would really wish to...
anyway was planning to make full use of my day today but ended up wasting the WHOLE of it!!!!! woke up at almost 1pm when retard asked whether i want to go mug.. finally retard has decided to use her brains :P well idiot is still quite laid back and can't mug for other subj... i'm still trying to catch a bullet train for everything... anyway declined... spent half of my afternoon sending all the recordings and stuff... SO VERY IRRITATINGLY SLOW!!!! RAHHH wanted to use that time to prac some flute ('cos i'm really hell dead lousy this whole week)!!!!!! anyway after that had to choing music cos if not i know i'm totally dead so pushed fluting til night... n was like WTH spent 2hrs on the 7-bars 2 part writing!!!!! i really suck to the core manZZZZ!!!! getting the harmony was already crazy enuf!!!!!
the worse is not done yet.. in the end everybody was slping at like 8 plus n i HELL COULDN'T PRAC MY FLUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok i'm so not gonna play tmr so lump u gao dim the section urself!!!! idiot is going into idiotic mode!!!!!!
so anyway was trying to do my analysis but WTH what is THERE TO ANALYSE!?!?!?!?! what kind of piece is this lah?!?!?! or is it that i've totally become sucky over the hols that i can't even analyse liaoZ... anyway i totally sucked and decided to listen to sidus - IT'S SORT OF MY NEW FAV NOW!!!!!! tried to research on existentialism but totally din get all that was on wiki... too chim alr... anyway spent the rest of the time, of cuZ, reading blogs again instead of doing proper stuff... so someone kill me please...
i ought to be shot for being such a horrible person and friend for the past few months... i think i'm seriously becoming abnormal and need a psychiatrist... dunno y... i getting emo over the slightest things and so badly affected by small things... getting over sensitive over many small issues and giving up at the slightest barrier... no will to move on, keep looking back... ANDREW, WAKE UP!!!!! CONTINUE LIKE THIS N U'LL REALLY BE A LOSER IN LIFE!!!!! (oh well, not like i'm not one now...)
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
3:09 AM
now i'm quite sure u'll hate me too rite? well it wouldn't be normal if u said u didn't after me being such a screw-up last minute useless meanie... well i guess this is just the beginning and i'll definitely have more coming... so i should learn to accept it... in fact maybe i should even learn to hate myself, to see what people really hate about me so much... afterall, i ain't no more that person i used to be (or rather that person that u thought was me)... n i guess u can really do nothing more but just hate me til u don't have to see my face unless u really kill me...
don't worry... there's nothing wrong with me... i'm just being myself...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday, January 5, 2008
1:24 AM
i have a very good exco... and i mean it...
all this while, events haven't been going smoothly... holidays were a flop, a mess... tune-in a supposed failure...farewell dinner delayed and last minute... to think i could still live to see today...
it could not have been me... it really couldn't... i realised i've been spoiling every single thing since this thing came about, dawned upon me... the only reason that could have save my ass everytime is really my very good exco... i really am grateful to have them, yet bestowing this chance of leading them unto me is really a waste of these people... the librarians, the QMs, the WAOs - all after people of true responsibility and power... the librarians - having already surmounted the seemingly-unrealistic task of cleaning up the band store and it's library, they are the people i respect most for patience, for perseverance, for initiative, and for optimism... the QMs - the duo that forms the brainy brute, the intelligent ogre, the door masters... they are the people who are always there for u when u need them (especially when u're ponning ******* or ********), and still there when u don't need them... the dependable lots, the sparkling glow... the WAOs - a system of bodies aptly named: WAO (WOW)... the zest, the zeal, the inside, the outside, the foundation, the ignored, the SK warriors... a group with power that works anytime, as and when u wish... readily available, and a live saviour in times of needs...
n amongst this gang, yet there exists people who are definitely more capable of leading the rest to greater heights - daniel, theresa, eng kwan, cindy... all have their equal yet differing potential for moving everything onwards, at least to a direction where light can be seen... daniel carries the elements of structure, stability, and spontaneity while theresa excels in analysis, responsibility, and optimisms... eng kwan bears the traits of eloquence, creativity, daring, and popularity, while cindy exploits on the never-say-die spirit, the gift of understanding and sensitivity, and the sensing ability...
sometimes, it's just quite ironic how certain things turn out a certain way... how heaven makes sport of man by making him rot amidst something with potential for greater things... i really suck, and for the millionth time i'm saying this, cos i AM this... it's just so irritating to think that everything good that comes into my hands rots and destroys even by just the tip of my hand... i ought to just give up...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
3:02 AM
i suck... there's nothing in my life now that i can be happy about now, absolutely nothing, other than the happiness created by others... i have degraded to a level of no self worth whatsoever such that there's really no point going on... there's not 1 thing there i feel i can carry on, at least with that smile, that genuine smile... so what if people say so? u know yourself the best, and u know the kind intentions of others... worse is they've given up, only showing that u've failed right from the start... i have failed terribly, failed as a person, failed as a musician, failed as a student, failed as a leader, failed as a... human being...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
2:33 AM
just when i thought i had everything in this world, i had to lose it... just when i thought all hope was gone, there i saw it again... yet the cycle repeats and i cannot get out of it... RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
