n i did the meanest thing in my life...

i really wanted to go forth and say smth... at least smth... anything that could help... i'm not that heartless that i couldn't sense the atmosphere around or even ms feng's worried face that was fixed on u wherever u went... i really din know u were in the band store til i turned around n only caught a glimpse of u in my exact position 2 days ago...

i never meant not to care... but i know i can't... i can already feel my heart sinking down really really deep, and dunno y, my whole body was burning up... perhaps it's the guilt... the guilt of not going forward to help a friend... a true yet abused friend... all i could do was to hide in forms and data, hide in all the appeal stuff, bury myself in my work... so i won't feel anything... so i can resist myself from going forward... and i can stop everything... i really do care... but i still want u to hate me...

which i have achieved... all these while i think even u could have felt that i've been treating different people differently... somehow i seem normal when i'm with certain ppl... somehow i just am being very mean to u... i really want u to know that i never meant to... but returning back to my normal self will just deny the very cause i set out to achieve... n not only that... now u have seen for yourself how bad a friend i am... how really FUCKED UP a friend i am, n it's not too late to just break this friendship b4 the end of jc life... u'll really be better off without me, i'm sure - today is the best example that i shouldn't exist in ur life... it was a mistake to even come to nj and destroy all ur lives...

i am not going to say i truly understand what u're all going through cos i dun... my grandfather passed away immediately after i came back from my london trip last year... he din get to c me 1 last time... not in ages... i think the last time he saw me was since that chinese new year... n being the disgusting hard hearted me, i din actually feel anything when i knew about it... i only cried when i saw my mum breaking down at the wake everytime she went to c him in the coffin... n only then... and with all the pressure for squeezing the common test into my brain within 3 days, and all spent at the wake... i dunno how i remained so hard hearted but i did... i really din feel a thing... neither was i there when 外公 was cremated cos my parents asked me to go for my exams... it's really quite ironic... cos all this while i've always believe in humanity in this robot age, in music making not in midi production, in being the most humane and not the most accurate or clean... yet... when the real time comes... i just succumb to the temptations of saving myself from 'unnecessary' trouble... just by indifference...

i dunno how i can help u... and i guess now the last person u want to c is me... i'll try my best to disappear from your life... so that u may forget all this unhappiness... it must have been my fault for demanding so much on punctuality... that it somehow now overwrites humanity... something that i once had... but have been completely wiped out of me... i'm really sorry for adding to your hurt and not being able to help... i REALY AM... i just hope that time will help u tide over this difficult times and soon u'll be the happy person i always knew u to be... u've always got jh and carmen and i know u'll be fine and much better off without me... i'm really sorry...