euu typedd*: blog
Sunday, February 24, 2008
1:37 PM
i got so many things to say... but i dunno what to say...
am i just too overly sensitive? but something is telling me something is terribly wrong, and highly possibly because of me... i dunno who's who and who are u anymore... probably thanks to my own making... a live of lies and deceit, a live of facade and put-up happiness... i dunno how much longer i can last... i dunno what i'm supposed to feel anymore... but i clearly felt sad and disappointed yesterday when u din come... the reason y? i dun know...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Saturday, February 23, 2008
1:06 AM
i'm really tired... sick and tired of everything... i'm so pretentious and so fake... i dunno what's going to happen tomorrow (today)... 你们开心就好了...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008
11:36 PM
what's life when there's nothing to look forward to, nothing to aim for, nothing to cling on?
today sucks, just as all other days... screwed up both pracs consecutively... first chem then physics... just dun understand y my experiments never yield the correct results... half the time mrs yeo was using me as an anti example - "dun like andrew like that ah, didn't put enough alkaline medium..." BLA BLA BLA... so freaking pissed... end up din even get half of the observations... the half correct also had half inaccurate, like the wrong colour ppt. BLA BLA BLA... i'm really so sick of doing all these already... try so hard to predict and write the correct observations then end up... physics too... everytime graph sure have problem... worse, stupid precautions never ever come to my mind...
then went for lunch... so bloody crowded so end up din eat... no where to seat too, ended up walking aimlessly all around the school...
that's when i saw u all there... i dunno what to feel anymore...
and i know it's no ones fault but mine...
and so went on to maths and gp... totally sucked... dunno y i'm so tired... i'm really sleeping early these days... but i dunno lah... maybe i just dun want to go on and dun c the point of paying attention or doing work when there's nothing in my life... most importantly, there's no u...
anyway went to slp in the band room during caal since my whole class went for cip... i pushed away just because i'll be 10mins late for band... dunno whether that's a stupid thing or not, seeing that all the rest are like slacking til around 4.30... band sucked... i sucked... i dun understand y there's a need for me anyway cos i'm like really noisy and lousy... n i'm saying this for the Nth time - DANIEL SHOULD BE THE BM!!!! i'm just the hindering stone now... i totally hate myself...
band prac ended very late for a wednesday... wanted to run out and tot daniel was going to do so too... end up only me running like an idiot alone when everybody else was walking behind me... good too either way, i get to be alone after that...
i guess what really hurts me was that lingering past... that u ever doubted me... that u ever thought that i didn't care at all, even if it's just for 1 moment (or do u still?)... and what hurt me more, was that u tot i cared more for her than u... u can ignore me, but what really hurts me is probably u not knowing what i ultimately want is for u to be a happier person at the end of the day...
i suck...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, February 17, 2008
8:16 PM
ok i'm confused... i dunno what's happening already... i hate myself...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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7:38 PM
rewatched FF7 advent children ytd... really reflective of my situation now...
i think i just want to be forgiven... forgiven for everything that i've done to all my dearest friends... i'm guilty, guilty as hell, ever since i got to know them.. stressing them for my practicals, stressing them with my emo-ness... causing so much trouble being so last minute and so unhelpful... and most importantly, to me, is not being able to bring that smile onto your faces...
i ignored all of you so that you all could live a much better life... a life of happiness never known... a life without me destroying all of your happiness... n believe me i really meant for the best for u... i'm sure through this time u've found your new happiness gang and true friends... like cloud said, "i dun think i can save the world anymore."
i guess this makes my jc life... it sucks like hell... it's been really the worse phase of my life, yet the best with people whom i call true friends... i may seem like i'm treating u all like dirt, but if u all ever read this... i really do care... i really do... if not i would have stuck to u like glue and wreak havoc in your life...
i'm empty now... nothing on to cling to... nothing to believe in... nobody to look to... no day to look forward to... i'm just an empty vessel waiting to be degenerated one day...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Saturday, February 16, 2008
12:46 AM
i'm really worried about someone... i dun understand... but probably... that's what that someone was put through all thanks to me...
yea i seem happier... i can only say one thing - looks can be deceiving...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Wednesday, February 13, 2008
1:16 AM
simplicity is sometimes the most beautiful thing on earth... to be contented with the simplest of all... no matter how stupid or retarded it may seem... no matter how slow or laid back it may be... it's really becoming a luxury... esp for a musician, when all the music either becomes of extreme esoterism or extremity, simplicity just gives that warmth and colour to it... no wonder pop songs are so popular...
i wish i could go back to that stage... when everything was just about making and enjoying music... no other concerns... just racing bar 272, binging chickens and gummies, bridging cards, vandalising scores, crapping and laming about, facing the wall to reflect... it's never gonna be that simple again... i really miss those days... n those ppl...
i dun understand... y i just can't do it... i'm really trying... n i'm praying... yet all i get is more and more disappointment... i'm just sinking further down... people either dun recognise my effort and just condemn me all the way or dun bother whether i mind but just say the things i want to hear, which is definitely nowhere near the truth - just grossly exaggerated lies...
n... i can't bring myself to face u now... too ashamed, too guilty, too unworthy, too undeserving, too unfair... i'm not about to break up that strong bond u all have forged during my absence... i'll just try to make it less awkward by avoiding as much as i can... i'm sorry n that's all i can only say... just know that it's NEVER your fault, but mine alone to bear... n neither should u c it as a sad thing...
band tmr... dread... pray everything will turn out well... pray u'll be happy...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, February 10, 2008
11:16 PM
back from phuket escapade... lies that i went visiting in melecca...
on the whole, ok it was some sort of an escapade from all these stupid troubles and things that've been bogging me down... was constantly thinking of some people... really couldn't get these ppl off my mind... but sorry din buy anything for y'all, din even buy for myself... it's quite irritating to have my parents quarrelling every now and then during the trip as if everything is going to break down... n each insisting on their own ways... it's like having tension every moment...
spent some time to think through some stuff, but never really found an answer to everything... that i know cos the moment i reached back home i plagued with the same problems again... makes me dread life totally... back to ignoring smses and calls... delaying and procrastinating...
n i'm glad that u all are happy and, better, have been self-sufficient throughout my absence... no doubt u may say u want me back, but that fact that u all have been fine and full of laughter throughout these times and stuck with and for each other during difficult moments meant that i was redundant... n NO i'm not expecting u all to stay emo whatsoever just for me... it's just proves that i'm redundant, no matter how u all claim i'm not... yes, like lisa said, if i continue like that, i'll most probably be totally forgotten (or am i already?)... so be it... hurts? of course... but i guess it's a sooner or later thing...
tmr's back to school again... and yes back to band... dunno if u're back yet, cos the section sounds llike shit without u... ok mayb ur son can support for the moment... i dread life... 8hrs more n i'm back at band... u noe what? i really am contemplating resigning and quiting... just an idea, n i'll feel worse... just as well... i'll most probably miss band camp totally or at least 3/4 of the time... i really want to be at band camp... i already felt so bad and left out last year having missed the first day... no i DON'T blame anyone... it's only my fault... i dun want this year to be a repeat of the last... but apparently it's not going to be a repeat - it's going to be worse!!!! i really feel like cursing and swearing now...
ok life just sucks... gonna slp it off...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Tuesday, February 5, 2008
4:47 PM
someday...
will that someday ever come?
my life's a mess... i'm out of practically everything i hold dear now... practically what my life hinges on is now gone... everyday is just a dreaded routine of self deceit, self induced happiness... dread doing work, dread going for band... stare at the com the whole night, always online but never of use...
u may think i dun care, and i really dun care what worse stuff u're thinking of me already... just wish for u to be happy... for u all to be happy... i wish to wish u all a happy chinese new year, but i dun want to create the wrong impression that i'm fine now and go back and destroy everything u had... forget it... i'll just wish u from my hidden heart...
band yesterday sucks... without u the section sounded like shit... ok rather... i sounded like shit... even ur son is 10 times better than me...
i pray for everything to be well for u all... i really do hope so, no matter what u're all thinking of me now...
my life is empty now...
i'm telling u to let go... but i dunno if i can...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Saturday, February 2, 2008
6:26 PM
the day has been really cold...
i really dread waking up every morning to have to face people i hate and people i can bring myself to face... placed in situations which i want and yet don't want to be a part off... i really hate my life... i dun want to live like this, but this IS it... i hear ur laughter and c ur smile, ur son's getting pissed at me alr, u both settle the flute section and the band... like what lisa said, i'm totally redundant and useless... i really hate life... go to school, get blamed for everything, have to pretend to hate u people, have to endure ur happiness without me... come back home STILL have to pretend to be happy and as if nothing has happened in my life... mum asks me how was school, i just smile and say it was good, and she believes it... i really dun c anything in life to cling onto anymore... and it's all my fault...
sitting at the bus stop the whole afternoon doing nothing really just makes me feel like if i drop dead now, i'm sure nobody will care... u deleted ur post, i dunno for what, hopefully (or not) to forget me... hp gang is really the 3 of u all already, cos u all have gone thru thick and thin together... even if i want to go back, it'll be really selfish and difficult cos u all have grown to be stuck together...
i can't find my place now... i feel like i dun want to go to school... neither do i want to go home, cos it just sucks... it's never the warm home that i can find comfort in...
ya lah everything is my fault lah... u think i'm happy and dun care... u think i hate u... i rather it remains like this, so u can hate me back and totally forget me...
i want to cry...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Friday, February 1, 2008
6:31 PM
so fast and it's near the end of the week already...
i really do hate my life... everyday is like a potential breakdown day... n i'm really confused... i wish u cared, yet i want u not to care... it's all a paradox... i wished u know, yet don't want u to know... i'm really sorry if i'm the cause for any unhappiness... but from what i see it as... i hear laughter and sense happiness... so much of them... without me... u all are getting used without me already... n i'm both happy and not happy... i really don't think i can live without u all... everyday going to the band room hoping to c u all... in the end most of the times u all go home already... even if i do c u, i totally ignore u... i dunno what i want... i'm doing things to hurt myself and have nobody else to blame for it... n... i'm really useless and redundant... i'm really so used to being like that already, spoiling everything and anything... i really wish to do well... but it's not coming through... attention is all on the rest... n i'm really sore about it... but i only have myself to blame...
screw life... just leave me alone...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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