been almost 2 weeks since i last updated... so much has happened...

last week was a slack week for band 'cos of enrichment week... and good friday as well... maths test was a failure... no doubt i got 21/30, but mainly 'cos i wasn't able to complete the paper... may not mean a thing to the rest, but time management, whether on a large scale basis on time planning during everyday life or on a small scale in examinations and test, has always been a problem to me... hope that i'll really improve... and the paper was seriously basic and easy... no nothing against those who can't do it, 'cos it's probably not 'cos their dumb or what, but rather they din read through their notes... if they had done so i think the whole world would be beta than me...

nie concert on sunday... spent half the 1st half slacking outside with zai and waiting for yuxin and lisa... was reminiscing the old band days with zai... esp that gold with honours moment... forever etched in the heart :') concert was ok... with the usual mr ho screw-ups i guess... din go in for the second half cos wasn't feeling too good... sat outside with lisa and yuxin who were busy psp-ing... realised i was really out of the place 'cos they seem to want to talk to each other but hold back 'cos i was there... so decided to leave quietly... sorry lisa and yuxin if that affected u... and sorry jia hao for being so mean to u when i came...

spent the good friday weekend really touching up on my composition... n i'm glad i did... somehow got much more inspirations this time... really happy with my composition now... hope that i'll continue to work hard and that my creativeness won't run dry... but sadly, somehow i feel it's alr going... i'm losing it...

monday to wednesday was burned preparing for the stupid lunchtime concert... somehow every concert preparation just gets worse and worse... wednesday was rehearsal with yuxin... sorry yuxin for taking up so much of your time... i'm really sorry for wasting ur precious time and leave... somemore i screwed up big time at the actual concert on thursday... even xiao yun said i was VERY airy... ok for once the something that i had left to cover up all others is gone... so what am i? SHIT!!!! JUST PURE SHIT!!!!I'M TIRED!!!! VERY TIRED!!!! SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THESE SHIT!!!! I PRACTISED SO HARD ALL THESE WHILE!!!! PRACTISED ON A DAILY BASIS!!!! PRACTISED AT LEAST A GOOD 3 HRS!!!! N EVERYTIME I GET BACK SHIT!!!! NOTHING BUT MORE AND MORE SHIT!!!! N I CAN'T GO ON ANYMORE!!!! TO THINK THIS WOULD BE FOR MY A LEVELS!!!! TO THINK I AM THE BAND MAJOR!!!! TO THINK I WANTED TO BE THE BEST!!!! YES OF COURSE, THE BEST SHIT!!!! NOTHING BUT SHIT!!!!

really in a bad mood today 'cos of that... din really have the motivation to do anything... just wanted to go to bed and never wake up... even contemplated just laying in bed when i got up this morning and reporting sick for school... i told mr seow that i really should drop flute for a's cos i really am not confident of doing well anymore... everytime i practise for every prac or performance, i prac more harder than the previous each time... yet everytime i just get back SHIT!!!! mr seow said my pitching was better that day... but really that's just the tip of the iceberg... who listens to only such things at a levels?!?!?! to think i'm competing with people of standards like ernest or kejian!!!!! ha... sometimes i just think i got onto the wrong path right from the beginning and there's really nothing i can do now... i'm really going to just screw up my entire lifetime... well i'm ok with it, 'cos nobody cares anyway...

spent the whole afternoon listening to stuff for composition inspirations... took a break halfway and went to the band room to dump my maths stuff 'cos i din want to add to the load in my bag and carry it home and back again... saw cindy there, on the piano, playing random notes... don't seem too well... hope u're feeling fine...

i guess life's just plain draggy for me 'cos the feeling i get every morning is just to end it... seeing u all happy makes me happy and yet hurt - happy 'cos i c genuine happiness on your faces, which is something i feel is so precious, which i really wish for my friends to have; hurt 'cos i'm not the reason for it, neither am i able to share it... and if u're still arguing that i can, i really can only say if i ever partake of it, i'll just ruin it... no doubt i'm to blame, but i'm just glad u all found your happiness... neither do i expect u to remember me or try your best to include me or anything... especially after all the mean and hurtful things i've done to u... i truly am sorry for everything, but i guess it's the best way out, the best way to solve all these problems... sorry...


i wish somebody could listen :']