euu typedd*: blog
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
1:23 AM
a live full of regrets...
and i thought i had rid myself of all the negative thoughts and started afresh.. and i thought i had forgiven myself.. but i could not..
these few days of coincidental bombarding of similar questions has brought back all the haunting memories to me... being reminded of so many things... things i don't want ever to remember... yet that doesn't mean they're not existing...
i shouldn't have ran for this post.. i shouldn't... it was a big mistake.. i spoiled the band, destroyed and enthusiasm, make people dread it... i already suspected i did not have the capabilities to take on such a heavy role.. yet with much lesser responsibilities as compared to shermin, i failed.. and failed very terribly.. and there's nothing i can do at all to make up for all those nasty things i did... i so disgusted at myself sometimes... but nothing is going to change the hurt i've caused in so many people... there's nothing i can do at all... i can't even forgive myself... no matter how many apologies won't work... not at all... and to u too... until somebody told me again, i never realised i was that mean to u.. i really must have hurt u alot then.. i'm so.. but i can't say i'm sorry, cos what's the point when i've already done it and am still in fact? i really am mean to u... i..
somtimes i wish i can sit down.. and stop time.. n cry for eternity.. even so i'll feel better.. at least.. i'm still a selfish being afterall..
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Monday, July 21, 2008
1:42 AM
how long more can i hold the secret.. how long more b4 i can forget it.. y is it everytime when someone pops up that question i always am reminded again of everything.. y can't i just let go.. it's already impossible.. n i was the one who made it so.. nobody else to blame.. y am i still stuck in this..
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, July 13, 2008
1:46 AM
hi again :) it has been long since i had my midnight blogging habits :) but now i'm SO tired that i really dun feel like blogging too much though i want to blog very much.. yea i know ur faces will all go -.- if u read this ;P
tonight (or rather, last night) was v. nite, the really last project of my exco term.. honestly i would really say it was quite a failure, but i'm really not going to explain the reasons here again.. but thanks lisa for hearing me out and giving me an alternative view :) yea i know i abused ur listening ear like nobodsy's business ;P SORRY!!!!!!!
but she did set me thinking - should we dwell on our past mistakes? mistakes are really definite in life, but she told me that once it's over, it's over, and although so many mistakes were made, we're glad is over.. is that the view we're supposed to hold? just to get things done n over with? i really cannot forgive myself for causing so much misery to this band, for bringing so much failures.. i know u all may say it's not my fault, maybe to comfort, maybe u really think so, but definitely i've analysed for so long, even if it's not solely my fault, it's definitely a large part mine... i really regret doing alot of things, n i know regreting doesn't help at all, and neither is it going to change all those evil things i did.. i just know all these will haunt me for the rest of my life.. neither does saying sorry help.. on one hand i've to acknowlegde my faults, yet on the other hand, so what? so next time i can always commit a crime first, then say sorry lah!!!! i dunno lah, am i just really reflecting, or just dwelling to much in the past?
but in the end still.. thx lisa for lending a listening ear and helping me out here :) i will try to SMILE more :D :D :D
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Friday, July 11, 2008
12:17 AM
yea after such a long while...
n so many things has happened... so many things have not... too many things are collapsing over now... i'm in deep shit... tomorrow may b the moment of truth... when everything, all those lies, r all exposed and fall apart... i shud have seen this day coming... my life was just a big fat lie...
n i lost ur letter... i really din mean too... i just can't find it... not in the band rm... not in the paper bags... i dunno where... somehow i hope u din find it... so i won't feel so bad... i really din mean it... n i really wanna read and treasure the letter... i'm sorry... if u're ever reading this...
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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