and i thought i had rid myself of all the negative thoughts and started afresh.. and i thought i had forgiven myself.. but i could not..

these few days of coincidental bombarding of similar questions has brought back all the haunting memories to me... being reminded of so many things... things i don't want ever to remember... yet that doesn't mean they're not existing...

i shouldn't have ran for this post.. i shouldn't... it was a big mistake.. i spoiled the band, destroyed and enthusiasm, make people dread it... i already suspected i did not have the capabilities to take on such a heavy role.. yet with much lesser responsibilities as compared to shermin, i failed.. and failed very terribly.. and there's nothing i can do at all to make up for all those nasty things i did... i so disgusted at myself sometimes... but nothing is going to change the hurt i've caused in so many people... there's nothing i can do at all... i can't even forgive myself... no matter how many apologies won't work... not at all... and to u too... until somebody told me again, i never realised i was that mean to u.. i really must have hurt u alot then.. i'm so.. but i can't say i'm sorry, cos what's the point when i've already done it and am still in fact? i really am mean to u... i..

somtimes i wish i can sit down.. and stop time.. n cry for eternity.. even so i'll feel better.. at least.. i'm still a selfish being afterall..