Saturday, September 27, 2008
12:30 AM
12:30 AM
nostalgia
noe i shouldn't b here now but just need to pour out some stuff here b4 i really break
somebody's blog triggered yet again all my past longings.. coincidentally i was just crapping with ngiam on thursday about how sec3 & 4 life was really great back in cat high.. the really carefree days, just pure fun and childishness.. all the crazy things we did, n how we still haven't changed (like damien boh and jeremy).. really.. those were the only 2 years i really felt part of the class and glad to be.. the others are small or temporary grps :( but i guess that's life.. so i should learn to treasure such bonds when i can.. n so should u who r reading this :) really miss those moments..
i really do feel really lonely and unwanted many times.. yea i noe.. i'm 18 alr, adulthood is coming, the real world is here, but many a times i just want to be treated like a child, cared for, and yes, mayb the best word is 'sayang'.. just as much i would like to care for others.. but somehow no one seems to be there.. either too far in character from me.. or they've beta company (which is really a good thing n i'm happy for them.. who wants to be with a person who everyday laments over his life and wallows in self pity all day?) i oso realise 2 of my beta friends are recently together.. to think that i thought a stood a chance
rarrrr this is so not the right time to be thinking and affected by all these.. doomsday is approaching.. fast..
somebody's blog triggered yet again all my past longings.. coincidentally i was just crapping with ngiam on thursday about how sec3 & 4 life was really great back in cat high.. the really carefree days, just pure fun and childishness.. all the crazy things we did, n how we still haven't changed (like damien boh and jeremy).. really.. those were the only 2 years i really felt part of the class and glad to be.. the others are small or temporary grps :( but i guess that's life.. so i should learn to treasure such bonds when i can.. n so should u who r reading this :) really miss those moments..
i really do feel really lonely and unwanted many times.. yea i noe.. i'm 18 alr, adulthood is coming, the real world is here, but many a times i just want to be treated like a child, cared for, and yes, mayb the best word is 'sayang'.. just as much i would like to care for others.. but somehow no one seems to be there.. either too far in character from me.. or they've beta company (which is really a good thing n i'm happy for them.. who wants to be with a person who everyday laments over his life and wallows in self pity all day?) i oso realise 2 of my beta friends are recently together.. to think that i thought a stood a chance
rarrrr this is so not the right time to be thinking and affected by all these.. doomsday is approaching.. fast..
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Tuesday, September 9, 2008
9:36 PM
9:36 PM
我好累...
i spent quite some time typing this to my tutor.. i'm very sick and tired.. i want to give it up totally but just can't.. FUCK!!! FUCK MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
老师您好。
有时我真的觉得很累。我不是没练，我有练，狠尽心地去脸，可是每次都怎么连也练不好。我不是没用你叫我的方法去练，我已经尽量记起你没唐克所讲的话，尽量 去改。可是，我怎么改，怎么练，都是越练越差。上个星期二，我们上过课的第二天，我根本什么低音也吹不出声音，我也尝试吹小声，也尝试把下面的嘴唇尽量推 出来，可是什么用也没有，那天考试我不及格。就算是那天我身体状态不好吧。之后我还是在尽量去练，把嘴唇问题调整一下，可是越调越糟，而且不懂为什么现在 子啊面的嘴唇更加收进去，很难再出来，就算我硬硬把它推出来，我什么东西都吹不出来，更不用说低音了。有时候我真得很想放弃笛子，放弃音乐。我去年和前大 半年也都是这样，根本无法稳定下来embrochure更不用说吹音乐。有时我不懂我到底还喜欢音乐还是只是在尽量做好我的音乐科目就行了，因为我做其他 东西的时候都比吹笛子还开心。是，我是很喜欢音乐，第二天只要一听到动听的音乐，还是会在三分钟热度之下，在拿起笛子来吹，可是不久后，由被打回原型。我 真得很厌倦这种生活，很讨厌我的生命。你成经多次问过我我以后要做什么，我其实真的很想做音乐，而不是怕没工作或没金钱，但其实是怕我根本做不到，无法应 付这份职业的需求。这两年来，我发现我已经不是昔日的杰华了，无论是音乐上，指挥上，还是笛子上，我已经无法回到以前的水准，更不用说从那儿进步，我没这 个本事。我又不是没尝试过。可是我现在音乐也做不了，但缺也放弃不了，我觉得很无奈，也很累，很想停止纠缠下去。
我不是怪你，我只是想诉苦一下。我也是刚刚才常识去练笛子，但什么也练不成。
n i din have the guts to send it in the end..
老师您好。
有时我真的觉得很累。我不是没练，我有练，狠尽心地去脸，可是每次都怎么连也练不好。我不是没用你叫我的方法去练，我已经尽量记起你没唐克所讲的话，尽量 去改。可是，我怎么改，怎么练，都是越练越差。上个星期二，我们上过课的第二天，我根本什么低音也吹不出声音，我也尝试吹小声，也尝试把下面的嘴唇尽量推 出来，可是什么用也没有，那天考试我不及格。就算是那天我身体状态不好吧。之后我还是在尽量去练，把嘴唇问题调整一下，可是越调越糟，而且不懂为什么现在 子啊面的嘴唇更加收进去，很难再出来，就算我硬硬把它推出来，我什么东西都吹不出来，更不用说低音了。有时候我真得很想放弃笛子，放弃音乐。我去年和前大 半年也都是这样，根本无法稳定下来embrochure更不用说吹音乐。有时我不懂我到底还喜欢音乐还是只是在尽量做好我的音乐科目就行了，因为我做其他 东西的时候都比吹笛子还开心。是，我是很喜欢音乐，第二天只要一听到动听的音乐，还是会在三分钟热度之下，在拿起笛子来吹，可是不久后，由被打回原型。我 真得很厌倦这种生活，很讨厌我的生命。你成经多次问过我我以后要做什么，我其实真的很想做音乐，而不是怕没工作或没金钱，但其实是怕我根本做不到，无法应 付这份职业的需求。这两年来，我发现我已经不是昔日的杰华了，无论是音乐上，指挥上，还是笛子上，我已经无法回到以前的水准，更不用说从那儿进步，我没这 个本事。我又不是没尝试过。可是我现在音乐也做不了，但缺也放弃不了，我觉得很无奈，也很累，很想停止纠缠下去。
我不是怪你，我只是想诉苦一下。我也是刚刚才常识去练笛子，但什么也练不成。
n i din have the guts to send it in the end..
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Sunday, September 7, 2008
12:48 AM
12:48 AM
hope...
too many things has happened during the past week.. dun wish to recall anything, yet i can't just ignore it as if nothing has ever happened..
on another note.. i've been sleeping like a pig for the past 2 days due to the drowsy effect of the medicine.. wake up, lunch, medicine, sleep, wake up, dinner, tv, slp.. that's my day :( :( n had many many WIERD dreams, and also good ones too!!!! like getting a new flute :) :) :) :) and a new mp3 :) :) :) :) and dream of my dearest section (although it seems like i dun really treat them as such)..
anyhow, i really do miss them.. was on the brink of tears while thinking about them some nights ago while listening to some music.. GAHHHH IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING NOW ANDREW!!!! WAKE UP AND CONCENTRATE ON UR A'S!!!!!!!
on another note.. i've been sleeping like a pig for the past 2 days due to the drowsy effect of the medicine.. wake up, lunch, medicine, sleep, wake up, dinner, tv, slp.. that's my day :( :( n had many many WIERD dreams, and also good ones too!!!! like getting a new flute :) :) :) :) and a new mp3 :) :) :) :) and dream of my dearest section (although it seems like i dun really treat them as such)..
anyhow, i really do miss them.. was on the brink of tears while thinking about them some nights ago while listening to some music.. GAHHHH IT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING NOW ANDREW!!!! WAKE UP AND CONCENTRATE ON UR A'S!!!!!!!
***hearts***
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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Monday, September 1, 2008
5:59 PM
5:59 PM
i hate myself
hate myself for procrastinating, hate myself for being so lazy, hate myself for being so useless..
sorry mr seow, i'll have to disappoint u again tmr..
sorry mr seow, i'll have to disappoint u again tmr..
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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2:13 AM
is a wrong decision made really better than no decision made?
i really feel that i made the wrong decision 6 years ago..
i'm into a love-hate relationship with my music and flute-ing.. so often playing the flute is just so demoralising, i just want to throw it away foreva and never touch it again.. i dun understand y am i always deproving no matter how much i practise, no matter how much effort is put in.. n just when i'm about to really let it go, something beautiful (or at least satisfying to me) had to come out of my playing, n make me want to play again.. n it entangles into a vicious cycle, which is where i am now.. more often than not, i really cannot let go of music - i know, cos listening to music just makes me want to do it, just like those in the recordings.. but.. i noe i can never do it.. never.. i'm not having a lack of confidence here, neither am i trying to get attention or sympathy.. the past 1.5 years plus of flute-ing has been a total failure.. i'm always trying SO hard to get back everything - the tone, the embrochure, the volume, the air support, the conducting, the music making.. but the harder i try the worse it gets.. then i try leaving myself to rest, as so many suggested, it got even worse without practise.. den recently i go back to 蔡老师 n guess what, it's really not helping either.. i'm really so SO damn tired.. so tired of losing hope and yet regaining hope when i am just about to give everything up.. so tired of going back to band and trying to make the best best BEST but failing in everything.. so tired of facing mr seow's disappointed face over and over again despite the many chances he has given me.. tired of.. everything...
how long more must i carry on with this kind of life.. i'm tired.. let me rest, please.. i've no one to turn to already.. the only one i could really release myself to, i chased away.. i'm dead tired.. i wish u were reading this..
i'm into a love-hate relationship with my music and flute-ing.. so often playing the flute is just so demoralising, i just want to throw it away foreva and never touch it again.. i dun understand y am i always deproving no matter how much i practise, no matter how much effort is put in.. n just when i'm about to really let it go, something beautiful (or at least satisfying to me) had to come out of my playing, n make me want to play again.. n it entangles into a vicious cycle, which is where i am now.. more often than not, i really cannot let go of music - i know, cos listening to music just makes me want to do it, just like those in the recordings.. but.. i noe i can never do it.. never.. i'm not having a lack of confidence here, neither am i trying to get attention or sympathy.. the past 1.5 years plus of flute-ing has been a total failure.. i'm always trying SO hard to get back everything - the tone, the embrochure, the volume, the air support, the conducting, the music making.. but the harder i try the worse it gets.. then i try leaving myself to rest, as so many suggested, it got even worse without practise.. den recently i go back to 蔡老师 n guess what, it's really not helping either.. i'm really so SO damn tired.. so tired of losing hope and yet regaining hope when i am just about to give everything up.. so tired of going back to band and trying to make the best best BEST but failing in everything.. so tired of facing mr seow's disappointed face over and over again despite the many chances he has given me.. tired of.. everything...
how long more must i carry on with this kind of life.. i'm tired.. let me rest, please.. i've no one to turn to already.. the only one i could really release myself to, i chased away.. i'm dead tired.. i wish u were reading this..
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
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