i really feel that i made the wrong decision 6 years ago..

i'm into a love-hate relationship with my music and flute-ing.. so often playing the flute is just so demoralising, i just want to throw it away foreva and never touch it again.. i dun understand y am i always deproving no matter how much i practise, no matter how much effort is put in.. n just when i'm about to really let it go, something beautiful (or at least satisfying to me) had to come out of my playing, n make me want to play again.. n it entangles into a vicious cycle, which is where i am now.. more often than not, i really cannot let go of music - i know, cos listening to music just makes me want to do it, just like those in the recordings.. but.. i noe i can never do it.. never.. i'm not having a lack of confidence here, neither am i trying to get attention or sympathy.. the past 1.5 years plus of flute-ing has been a total failure.. i'm always trying SO hard to get back everything - the tone, the embrochure, the volume, the air support, the conducting, the music making.. but the harder i try the worse it gets.. then i try leaving myself to rest, as so many suggested, it got even worse without practise.. den recently i go back to 蔡老师 n guess what, it's really not helping either.. i'm really so SO damn tired.. so tired of losing hope and yet regaining hope when i am just about to give everything up.. so tired of going back to band and trying to make the best best BEST but failing in everything.. so tired of facing mr seow's disappointed face over and over again despite the many chances he has given me.. tired of.. everything...

how long more must i carry on with this kind of life.. i'm tired.. let me rest, please.. i've no one to turn to already.. the only one i could really release myself to, i chased away.. i'm dead tired.. i wish u were reading this..