Sunday, July 26, 2009
1:52 AM
1:52 AM
mind's a mess
a single tree - old, dried, bare - til eternity?
alkh816%%#$263giohbo7y(*& 7n uhwi*&@^%7gbvls i think i'm going nuts. like NUTS!
the past week has been... somewhat horrendous with fleeting uplifting moments. i dunno what to say or know not what i'm supposed to feel anymore. whether it's what the true me is supposed to feel, or the morally correct side is supposed to feel.
ok the week began with duty on sunday, rather dumb, just report and do nothing. REALLY NOTHING. ZERO. fortunately got newspapers n i brought a book. i think i gobbled up the whole of straits times n slept alot. come to think of it, it wasn't that bad :P
i still dun understand y i just ignored mr seow's msg for no reason. i din want to go for follow-up? i din want to talk? i wasn't suffering from anything, n i just made a mountain out of a molehill - made him all so anxious and worried for nothing. n somehow, i dun feel any remorse. what in the world is happening to me? i tot You called me to You already? or it was just wishful thinking on my part? isn't there supposed to be some change in me? at least a more pricking conscience? but y does everything stay in the head yet not in my heart? where am i?
oh did i say i met a hces (it's my own abbreviation for smth - ask me if u're interested :) this week? actually, i din meet him only this week, but only this week i realise such an ugly side of him. but then again, who am i to judge? me who is just exactly the person i hate in him... what irony...
n another case.. ah can't b bothered to say it all out here. first there're legal restrictions about divulging, second not that i'll get any listening ear at all, let alone a comforting voice in return. sometimes i really wished i hadn't pushed you too far then, i really regret it. but i regret even more that i regret only now, now when i feel extremely lonely. it's still afterall for MY own needs, MY own desires. what a selfish idiot i am eh? how i wish i had a very very VERY close friend or a gf now. but den again, it'll probably just end up with me abusing the r/s for my selfish purposes. beta not...
when will all these end? when i die? how do i know that death is just a prolongation of mental and physical torture?
the past week has been... somewhat horrendous with fleeting uplifting moments. i dunno what to say or know not what i'm supposed to feel anymore. whether it's what the true me is supposed to feel, or the morally correct side is supposed to feel.
ok the week began with duty on sunday, rather dumb, just report and do nothing. REALLY NOTHING. ZERO. fortunately got newspapers n i brought a book. i think i gobbled up the whole of straits times n slept alot. come to think of it, it wasn't that bad :P
i still dun understand y i just ignored mr seow's msg for no reason. i din want to go for follow-up? i din want to talk? i wasn't suffering from anything, n i just made a mountain out of a molehill - made him all so anxious and worried for nothing. n somehow, i dun feel any remorse. what in the world is happening to me? i tot You called me to You already? or it was just wishful thinking on my part? isn't there supposed to be some change in me? at least a more pricking conscience? but y does everything stay in the head yet not in my heart? where am i?
oh did i say i met a hces (it's my own abbreviation for smth - ask me if u're interested :) this week? actually, i din meet him only this week, but only this week i realise such an ugly side of him. but then again, who am i to judge? me who is just exactly the person i hate in him... what irony...
n another case.. ah can't b bothered to say it all out here. first there're legal restrictions about divulging, second not that i'll get any listening ear at all, let alone a comforting voice in return. sometimes i really wished i hadn't pushed you too far then, i really regret it. but i regret even more that i regret only now, now when i feel extremely lonely. it's still afterall for MY own needs, MY own desires. what a selfish idiot i am eh? how i wish i had a very very VERY close friend or a gf now. but den again, it'll probably just end up with me abusing the r/s for my selfish purposes. beta not...
when will all these end? when i die? how do i know that death is just a prolongation of mental and physical torture?
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
Sunday, July 5, 2009
2:38 AM
2:38 AM
blinded, fear of taking another step
ever tried getting pierced, n having it pushed deeper inside u? sometimes i seriously wonder why n how He did it... for sinners...
ok i din stick to closing this blog, cos i just need to release something out... mayb after this post?
am i a wimp or wat? i dunno... have You really choose this path for me? am i supposed to accept now? but i really can't go on... the fear really grips me... i'm tired of it...
am i a wimp? a coward? or an unbeliever? wat am i thinking?
ok i din stick to closing this blog, cos i just need to release something out... mayb after this post?
am i a wimp or wat? i dunno... have You really choose this path for me? am i supposed to accept now? but i really can't go on... the fear really grips me... i'm tired of it...
am i a wimp? a coward? or an unbeliever? wat am i thinking?
anybody listening?
to engrave in memory or to bury foreva?
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________