ok i'm back again.. so much for my resolution to close down the blog..

i guess i just need somewhere to vent and release what has been bottled up for so long.. i really wanted to close down this blog, 'cos i realised i had used it too much for my rants that i got sucked into a vicious circle - i rant, release, think i feel better, the next day it gets worse, and so i blog, rant, release, etc. was quite bad for my mental health i guess. but life these days has been quite lonely, honestly. i dunno y. got like no one i can really talk to about almost everything. every single friend probably knows a part of me but i'm hiding the other half from them.. i dunno.

i think i no longer know what i feel. guess it's the result of my suppressing of emotions since last year, that 'long-forgotten' incident onwards. sometimes i believe i can b so cold to people, yet sometimes i appear like a little kid, needing love care and concern from everyone around me, hoping to get their attention. my inner feelings delicately fragile, changing as subtly as the sunset, and then realising - hey it's dark already.

so i'm going to b 2ic. has experience not taught me enough that i fail terribly in leadership roles?! my greatest regret was to ever go on that podium, giving that speech, and get elected as bm, and than fuck up that band, make everybody's life like hell, me not deriving any pleasure, yet at the end of the day, no practical results seen, with so much hatred towards me, towards band. i really do hate myself for that, i still do. there's no way i can say sorry enough (or even bring myself to say sorry - i'm just to ashamed to face them) to all of them, and certain people especially, those whom i just walk out of their lives, leaving them perplexed and sad. yes everybody got on with their own lives eventually, but i dun think that thorn will ever b taken out, the scar will ever b healed, not for me. everytime i think back or somethings jolts back those memories, i literally have goosebumps, to think of me doing all those things.
i'm a downright jerk.

now, y me? i never know Your path, never understood, and am always, honestly, upset with all that You planed for me so far. why me? why this? i wish i wasn't complaining, but it's like every stage of my life is a downward stairs? what do You have in store for me? i dun understand.

do u know me? do i know myself? what am i talking about?

u know what, dear blog? i having such a love-hate relationship with you. i wish nobody was reading this, yet i so long somebody close would be reading this.