I'm typing here again after so long because I have no where else to say this. I don't know what I expect from typing this. An audience? Probably not a single person. Catharsis? Perhaps, but doubt this vent will result in any true healing. For you to discover and hopefully understand one day? Guess so. But if this ever comes out, I will probably lose the one close friend I have.

~~~

The more time I spend around you, the more these negative feelings overwhelm me. And it's starting to get too overwhelming for me to stay silent.

I feel like I'm just another person in your life. Just another colleague. Perhaps a friend. But not that relationship I secretly hope we could share. That closeness I see you share with the others. Your true lively, playful, even crazy nature finally showing itself but only when they are around. But never with me. Because I only solicit and sombre and depressing. Because I am dull and whiny, making you tip toe around me, careful not to upset my fragile emotional state. Is this jealousy? Maybe. I don't understand why I can't be that person, that person who also shares that closeness and intimacy, that person who allows you to be your true playful, lively, crazy self. I'm NOT asking for special treatment. I'm NOT blaming you. I'm blaming myself. Why am I this person who elicits nothing but negativity from you? I'm sorry.

I feel lousy around you. Not because you make me feel lousy. But because I cannot seem to bring you this joy I see even your close friends elicit. Am I not a close friend? Or is that my wishful thinking? Or worse, do you truly consider me your close friend, but just that I cannot be that kind of close friend? And yet I still harbour even more wishful thoughts about us.

I don't know how to go on from here. I can't stand being that person on the sidelines, yet I know I'll never be able to give you true happiness even if you were kind enough to give me the chance.

~~~

I don't know what I expect from this...